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Why I Am Fat

Friday, September 15, 2017

I'm sitting here having just eaten half a bowl of pasta the size of my head, after having spent the day in fits of tears. I wasn't even hungry, but I ate, until I couldn't eat anymore. Half a bowl may sound like moderation, but it isn't, not when you didn't need any of it in the first place. It's just, less harm than it could have been had it been the whole thing.

Just as I shoved a mouthful of food into my already full trap, I just had the clearest realisation of why I am fat, and not losing weight. I feel empty. Not good empty, free of baggage and all things dragging you back, but empty empty. As in there is just nothing there. A quiet life of desperation.

On vacation, I ate 3, sometimes 2 meals a day, and my body changed drastically, because I was active, and doing, and living and being. I didn't need to eat excessively, I didn't want to. I had life and that was enough. I didn't have issues with food, I didn't need to diet, it just happened naturally.

Then I came home, and a hard day turned into a pasta dish.

Then a lonely day turned into a sausage casserole

Then a confused day turned into apple pie and ice cream

Then a heartbroken day turned into an entire pot of homemade soup

Then the pervading silence of this town turned into takeaway so greasy I couldn't eat for 2 days after

Then a day of non stop memories of all things lost turned into salt laden tortilla chips that took 3 days to release water retention.

Then a fear I would never leave this town and live again turned into an entire chicken.

I've not denied it - I hate my life here, in this town, everything seems - harder. It exhausts me. But until today I don't think I realised that I hate it because of the emptiness. My spirit is dying a slow death and so I eat, and this is why I am fat.

There isn't a diet in the world that can fix that. Deprivation on top of emptiness does not a healthy happy life make.

I need hope.

I know I must build a life, a full one, but I don't even know where to begin.

Help me friends and tell me the wonderful stories of how you fill your days, and life, and what makes your hearts sing emoticon

Was there ever a time where you had to rebuild, and go from empty to full?

I don't wish to be fat anymore, so I must, instead, become full.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ohhhh can I relate. I wear those same shoes. I hate those shoes. They really are uncomfortable yet for some reason I continue to wear them. I wish someone would pry them off my feet - but that hasn't happened. Yep, I have to take them off myself - and as much as I want to, I haven't.

    Things I have done - join SP. Even if I am not fully engaged in the process at times, it encourages me to know that it does work and when I am ready - everything I need is here. I have seen it work for others which encourages me. I also started volunteering. I work full time and made lots of excuses, too tired, no time - but I forced myself. It really has uplifted me and helped me appreciate my life. I also took advantage of the week free trial at the local Y. I felt really out of place. I tried lots of things and felt pretty lost, however I found that I love spin class. This fat girl likes to pedal a bike - so I bought one. It makes exercise enjoyable to me! While I found all those athletic people intimidating, I also found lots of inspiring people there! My only wish was that there were more people like me! Then again, maybe they are all like me - just wanting to be healthier.

    I hate to say it - but you have to remove those shoes yourself. You hold all the keys. You have everything you need to make this journey to a healthier you. Don't give up. Keep trying new things. If you don't give up, you will eventually find your way.... me too! I have faith!

    Today? Well, I have almost 100 pounds to lose. However, I love to ride my bike, walk my dog and am no longer intimidated by the Y. I continue to struggle with making good food choices. What makes my heart sing? A good tune, sun on my shoulder, wind in my face, and a long, long trail to ride my bike on! or maybe it is the smile on my dog's face after I take him for a long walk. or that feeling of accomplishment after, when I kick back on the couch tired from actually DOING something!

    You have everything you need to complete this journey. It is in there! I hope you find it (me too)!
    1228 days ago
  • DYANNE4293
    Emotional eating is a real struggle
    1228 days ago
  • no profile photo BUSTERDOUGLAS
    Sometime ago i went thru the same thing...i went to dr he gave me antianxiety meds...i got off them. Volunteered at a nursing home....how rewarding it felt....began walking. Started a free excercize group. Began to smile...began feeling happy.
    1228 days ago
    I was going through a really tough time. Then I started painting and hiding rocks for others to find. Thinking about others finding my rocks. Gets me out of the dumps. I also have to walk somewhere to hide them. Hope this helps and hugs 💕
    1228 days ago
    Oh how I empathize, we are the same. I have drowned my losses in food. We are so far down....we live in a motel. I try to have hope, but it is so hard. I am only on day 3, but reading about others is helping me be strong. I hope you CAN find hope!!!
    1228 days ago
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