I'm sitting here having just eaten half a bowl of pasta the size of my head, after having spent the day in fits of tears. I wasn't even hungry, but I ate, until I couldn't eat anymore. Half a bowl may sound like moderation, but it isn't, not when you didn't need any of it in the first place. It's just, less harm than it could have been had it been the whole thing.
Just as I shoved a mouthful of food into my already full trap, I just had the clearest realisation of why I am fat, and not losing weight. I feel empty. Not good empty, free of baggage and all things dragging you back, but empty empty. As in there is just nothing there. A quiet life of desperation.
On vacation, I ate 3, sometimes 2 meals a day, and my body changed drastically, because I was active, and doing, and living and being. I didn't need to eat excessively, I didn't want to. I had life and that was enough. I didn't have issues with food, I didn't need to diet, it just happened naturally.
Then I came home, and a hard day turned into a pasta dish.
Then a lonely day turned into a sausage casserole
Then a confused day turned into apple pie and ice cream
Then a heartbroken day turned into an entire pot of homemade soup
Then the pervading silence of this town turned into takeaway so greasy I couldn't eat for 2 days after
Then a day of non stop memories of all things lost turned into salt laden tortilla chips that took 3 days to release water retention.
Then a fear I would never leave this town and live again turned into an entire chicken.
I've not denied it - I hate my life here, in this town, everything seems - harder. It exhausts me. But until today I don't think I realised that I hate it because of the emptiness. My spirit is dying a slow death and so I eat, and this is why I am fat.
There isn't a diet in the world that can fix that. Deprivation on top of emptiness does not a healthy happy life make.
I need hope.
I know I must build a life, a full one, but I don't even know where to begin.
Help me friends and tell me the wonderful stories of how you fill your days, and life, and what makes your hearts sing
Was there ever a time where you had to rebuild, and go from empty to full?
I don't wish to be fat anymore, so I must, instead, become full.