Saturday, October 28, 2017
The past 1 1/2 years have been a roller coaster for me.
In 2016, I quit the job I was at because I was so stressed. I was noticing changes in how I was acting at work, and a plain dread of going in each day. I went to a temp job, that 6 months into the contract they were going to let me go because they had to cut staff, but then when I refused the offer to work a different shift, they changed their mind. Within the next month I found another temp job that seemed like it would take me in a direction I wanted to go, and there was a possibility of getting hired on. The first couple of months I learned a lot, and was helping to get old files cleaned up when I had a lull in current work. I felt comfortable and that the job was a good fit for me.
Three and a half months into the job, my dad was admitted to the hospital, complications from 2 car accidents in the previous 3 weeks. I spent 4 days with mom, going back and forth to the hospital. I returned home, and 2 days later while at work, I got a call from my brother, who was with mom, that they were going to stop the ventilation on Friday (2 days later), when the other siblings would be able to get to the hospital. I broke down and my co-worker drove me home. As soon as my husband was back home, we drove there. The medical staff was done pulling the ventilation and such about midnight, and that next hour was rough. We went to bed and woke the next morning, even though it was only a few hours, in a more refreshed state, instead of starting the day by going to the hospital for that. We took care of matters for his cremation and getting the motor home moved to a different place. Mom was going to spend some time with us at first.
The tears flowed a lot, and I can honestly say that I understand the phrase "broken heart" because that is what I felt. My heart hurt so much that it felt like it broke. Also, we came to realize how surreal that situation is. Each day felt like weeks, and the time milestones felt very distorted. Time is getting back to feeling like it should.. with the weeks just flying by. I can honestly say that if somebody feels like their feelings are not understood, I know where they are coming from because we each process differently, but they are not alone.
About a month after dad's death, I got an offer to get hired on, which was definitely a positive. It is definitely nice to have a job that is steady, not temporary.
Through all of this chaos, doing the things necessary for health got pushed back a little bit, but never forgotten. I have done what I can handle as I progress through. At first, just the thought of going to the gym exhausted me, so I went when mentally I did not feel drained by it. Because of trying to stay ahead with prepared food in the freezer for lunches, I did have that to help with the food aspect. Yes, I ate other food sometimes, but considering the situation, I was not beating myself up over it. The food part is pretty much back to what I make, and I am getting my exercise. A good thing is that my co-worker and I go for a 10 minute walk outside each day, unless something really urgent comes up at the time we go. People around the facility have noticed, even commenting sometimes if we go a little earlier than usual. It gives a break from being indoors and sitting all day. It gives me some time to clear the head. She has been a sounding board for me because her dad died about a year ago, so she understands some of the struggles that I am having.
I look at each day as a starting point, because even ending the day 1 step forward of where I started is progress. Days of slipping happen, but I do not want them to be the norm.