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Forgetting Fiona

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

My step mother Fiona is in a nursing home. She had a severe stroke almost 2 years ago and went from being a pretty vibrant self sufficient 78 year old to a woman who need round the clock care.

She put my Dad in a nursing home a few years earlier when she was no longer able to care for him. It was a miserable situation she and my Dad had a very tumultuous relationship and they fought constantly. My Dad was very verbally abusive.

They married when I was 13 (my Mom passed away when I was 7) and although we were not very close she came into my life when a girl really needs a Mom. I had lived in a house full of clueless brothers and a very clueless self absorbed Father. She kept us all at arms length and never showed any real interest in raising us or getting involved in any thing concerning us. I don't really blame her for that I know it couldn't have been easy coming into this situation but I would think being a woman and a mother herself this would have been an instinctual thing. I don't have any children so I am just assuming here.

Speaking of her children they were older than me and we never lived under the same roof so we are not close. My Father and step Mom made no effort whatsoever to blend our families and in fact when the holidays rolled around they would hosted a party with us in one room and the step family in the other. Very awkward.

My step brothers and sister hated my Father and with good reason he was not kind to their Mother and basically treated her as a servant. I understand their feelings toward him but I have some mixed emotions. There relationship was bad from almost day one well prior to them getting married. However she was going through a divorce and had never worked outside of the home so she had no way to support herself and her father who also came to live with us.

Again this a situation I have never been in but if I were I'd have gotten a job and left. And her kids that were so concerned might of asked her to stay with them? Just temporarily?

My Dad died about a year ago and there were no condolences from her family, understandably I guess.

I have only been to see her twice since she went into the home. I have no really excuse only that I just don't want to. She has her good days when she comprehends and some days not so much.

I am wrestling with tremendous guilt over this I feel like I need her to know how grateful I am for all that she did for my Dad. Even though she wasn't really much of a Mom to me it was good to have a woman in the house who understood the needs of a girl my age.

Fiona is 80 years old now and I don't know how much longer she will be with us. Am I going to regret this if I don't visit her?

If your still with me thank you for reading my long rambling blog.

Happy Holidays to you all.

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