The Cloud over My Heart.
Monday, December 18, 2017
I am trying not to fall into the trap of being angry at ME. Trying to get past the negativity that destroys me. It's hard.
I had a very bad experience with family at Thanksgiving. I found out how "old-fashioned" and " "out-of-touch" with modern reality my children consider me. It hurt. I also had a reality check when my husband and I renewed our term life insurance. We had outlived our earlier term policies and converted them to whole life.
I started really thinking what my life will be like if my husband dies and I am left to be taken care of and patted on the head by whichever child gets the job of taking care of me while I wait to die. I am not sure I want to be my children's pet parent, shunted off in a room and not considered to have anything to say worth listening to. Old and dotty rather than wise with age.
We passed the six month anniversary of my daughter's death. She lived closest and was the one most likely to share Christmas with us. So many little things remind me of her this time of year. She loved to celebrate Christmas.
The world has changed. There are things going on today that I can tolerate while loving the person, but I can't jump on the bandwagon that says all these things are good, that right and wrong is in the mind of the individual, that physical realities should be ignored and to call a spade a spade makes you intolerant and evil. Can't. Go. There.
I know there are probably some of you reading this who violently disagree with what I just said. I understand that. I accept that. If you are still reading this know that I care about you, I still honor our friendship even though it formed online. I wouldn't mind talking about it. We'll probably still disagree but come to understand each other better. I'm not angry with people who disagree with me. I certainly don't hate them.
I try to love everyone. We all make mistakes. The Bible, which I believe in, calls these sin.
Jesus died to save us from sin. He saves me from mine. He saves you from yours. That makes us all on a level playing field. We all sin. We all need God.
However, I can't look at my granddaughter, whom I love, and say, "he," just because some school psychologist has convince her she's trans.
This makes my daughter fear to leave me alone with my granddaughter. I am pussy-footing around her as much as I can.
I got into this program because I wanted to be healthier. I just realized how much easier it is for me to climb stairs. It's a little thing, but a worthwhile thing.
My husband's health is poor. He has breathing problems and his weight isn't helping. If I don't bake goodies, he buys them, and those are worse for him than the ones I make at home. I sometimes think he's not going to make it to the end of the year.
What will my life be without him? You must understand all my good friends have moved away. He is my husband and my best friend and the one person in the world who really understands me. I love my God, and Gary has always been my "God with skin on", the person who shows me what God's love can be all about,
We did everything we could to teach our children about that God. They think we are saints. They just don't want it. The world won. We pray for them daily. God still in His plan may answer our prayers, if they will let him. It hurts, even as I pray.
So this time of year hurts. I look at my tree and my empty home and wonder why I want to live a healthy, long life, if it means more of being shunted aside or humored by my children. My comfort food beckons. It's everywhere I go.
I'm not sure I shouldn't just comfort food myself to death and let my children inherit the whirlwind our world has become. I don't want to watch it go down.
That is the gray cloud that is pulling me down. I stand up for a day or two, get back on plan, then go under the cloud again.
If any of you didn't believe me when I said I fought and still fight depression, maybe now you believe, lol.
I need to get in the moment, praise God for what He has given me, and praise Him for all His blessings. I need to pray for them and leave them in God's capable Hands. I need to throw my pain to Him and let His Tears heal my broken heart.
I need to admit that binging on comfort food is just a longer, harder way to kill yourself, and God bought my life with the Blood of His Son, and my dying by obesity would not glorify God. I am not my own. God loved me so much I am His. I have no right to take my own life, by any means, including overeating.
I need to get back on track. Christmas isn't about eating and overindulging. Christmas is about Christ. (even though He was probably born in the spring, lol)
I know what I need to do. May God give me the peace of mind to do it.
Thank you for the patience and understanding it must have taken to read through this. May God bless all of our Christmases.