Day 519: In Pain & Scared
Tuesday, January 02, 2018
It's interesting how you can be in horrible pain for a fair amount of time, but the fear and tears don't really hit until someone starts throwing scary words around. Long story short, I have had iron-deficient anemia for about 3 years now. I've had moderate back, hip, and pelvic pain for almost as long. I have been on iron supplements for the anemia and have been using exercise, massage, and chiropractics for the pain. I kept telling myself that it was going to go away. Instead, it has all continually gotten worse. At my last blood test, we found out that my iron levels are lower than they have ever been. Obviously, that doesn't make sense. To add injury to insult, my back pain has gotten to the point that I can't walk some days. Now words are being thrown around like (most likely) fibromyalgia (which I've watched my mom suffer with for many years), possible disc surgery, and leukemia. That last one was enough to tip me completely over the edge, although they all scare the absolute daylights out of me. I have cried, cried, and cried some more. This was not supposed to be how this went when I came back to SP. I was supposed to kick it into gear and get better. Instead, I attempted to kick it into gear and was forced to realize that something is really wrong. I am so unbelievably scared, friends. It's pretty easy for me talk about my happiness, my anger, my frustrations...but I have a hard time expressing my fears. I feel like I just need to get it out, though - I am absolutely terrified. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for another scan. I want it to be over. I want answers so I can make a plan on what I'm going to do. I want to hear that it's some simple little thing and nothing to worry over anymore. I want to stop crying and snapping at my kids. I don't want to be scared anymore.
Thank you for reading my story. Hopefully I will post soon about how I was silly to get so upset.