I have not written anything in a few years, yes a few years. I have not felt the willingness to let anyone see the inside of me, yet I am so crushed and hurting and I really feel I need to "speak" or I will definitely loose it.
Before I continue, let me just say that I love my husband and I feel like people will think I don't but I really do and that's why it hurts so.
My honey is 88, and lots of health issues going on, diabetes, kidney, high blood pressure, gout and diverticulitis.
Last March he had a mild heart attack and a big setback in health, mental and attitude. To the point that I can't leave him alone at home and take him with me on all my errands.
Now last month he had a mild stroke, another big setback, again in his health, mental and attitude. When I say mental, I mean his mind is not what it used to be, the reasoning part is off balance or something. The attitude is that he used to be a little harsh and now he is so much more, mean, angry and bitter. And he takes it out on me.
I mentioned it to the doctor and his answer was "I don't hit her". No he doesn't but the words hurt so much. Then he acts like nothing happened and denies it.
I work at home and I'm having such a difficult time because he requires so much looking after. I have not had a break since 12-29-17. He has fallen 3 times in two weeks and I can't help him up and he gets mad about that. I am constantly cleaning up after him because he spills most things and if I don't do it right away I'm afraid he'll slip and fall. He won't listen to what I say because he thinks I am trying to control him and doesn't realize that I am only looking after him. I am constantly on the verge of tears or crying like I am right now.
We have grown kids and when I try to tell them what's going on or something that happened, they laugh and think it's funny and it isn't funny to me. I am feeling so alone and don't feel I have anyone to talk to, and even if I did, no time. Lost in my own home.