Hard to focus on me. Not comfortable
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
I don't even know where to start on this subject. I re-signed up several weeks ago, and have done very well on my 8 glasses of water a day challenge. Aaand ... that's it, unless you count gaining two pounds.
I seem to have a block about looking at myself honestly, let alone with kindness and support. It is so much easier to focus my positive energies on others ... who know how to receive it ... Hmm. What's that about?
The lessons I seem to have learned as a child are that being good and kind will serve me better than fighting back. So, while they may be positive actions, they are also pre-emptive defensive positions. I don't feel safe defending my space in a very literal way. I don't feel I have access to many of the basic rights that others take for granted. I don't feel I have the right to express anger in particular. Or to disagree with someone's opinions or values. Ironically, I am most (inappropriately) vocal with my husband, who is both laid back and very ethical and kind, and least deserving of my "edge".
Funnily enough, I get very uncomfortable when a friend of mine treats herself - to anything. I can't even straighten out in my mind why it would bother me AT ALL (whole other topic). But I literally can't fathom giving myself a genuine treat (for what?) other than food. Food, somehow, seems a safe reward. Why would that be? I suspect the answer to that is going to have to be logged in my private diary. And then burned.
In the meantime, I will try to treat myself as a friend. I've started a walking challenge with Spark buddy Lisa ... one week at a time. Looking forward to it, Lisa!