Grieving. I am a hot mess at the moment. I was hesitant to blog about this, but blogging is my way of releasing my feelings. Please be patient with me.
At the end October, my daughter called and asked me to help her. I took a great leap of faith, got rid of all my belongings except what I could get into my car, and drove the 1500 miles to Omaha Nebraska. I moved in with her and her five children, became the Uber Grandma, and made sure the kids got to their schools and activities. I tried to bring a sense of order into the house, and worked with the kids on becoming responsible for their rooms, helping with basic chores. While it was hard work, it was very rewarding. I loved how the kids would gather in my room at the end of the day.
By the end of February, my daughter had entered into a relationship with a man, and they began making plans to merge their lives. She is going to sell her home and they were moving forward. I moved into an apartment on the 28th of February.
Since that day, I have not heard from my daughter. I have sent her emails, called and sent texts and nothing. My heart is broken. I cannot begin to tell you how much this hurts. I have been grieving. I have certainly gone through the steps of grieving ( shock, anger, blaming, indignation)- right now I am working on the steps of acceptance. There was no communication about why she is doing this, so of course I blamed myself. There is a sense of shame attached to your child cutting you out of their life. It makes you question whether you were a good parent.
Once I was through blaming myself, I turned to a counselor for advice. The counselor said that parent estrangement is becoming more prevalent. He recommended moving forward in a proactive mode and reading a book Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children Now, in retrospect, I wish I had done that first, as I didn't handle this as graciously as I could have. I have finally accepted that I have no control over the situation. I can only move forward, at this point, it is perhaps one minute at a time. I have to feel the feelings. Oh how many times have I thought I wish I had a big tub of ice cream, or sweets in the house, it would make me feel better. Really? I am pleased that I am not eating my feelings. They are intense and I am struggling. But I am making it without giving into emotional eating.
At the moment, I feel like I am a stranger in a strange land. I know I am strong and resilient, but I don't think I have ever had a lower point in my life. All I can do is move forward. Of course I am praying that this situation will resolve itself. But I am also realistic and know that it isn't up to me. I am glad I signed a year's lease on the apartment, as I know that being reactive when you are distraught is not a good thing. But moving forward, and taking care of myself and being happy? I am certainly not there yet. I feel like I am going through the motions, when all I really want to do is stay in bed and cover my head. The recommendation to fake it until you make it seems ridiculous.
When I moved in, my daughter said not to buy anything for the apartment, between her and Dan they could furnish 10 houses. At day 3 when I hadn't heard from her, didn't have a coffee pot, or silverware or life's essentials, I was talking to my sister about how angry I was- basically like I was thrown from the train. Bless her soul, she sent me dishes, silverware, mixing bowls, pots and pans and cooking utensils. For a week everyday was like Christmas! I told her I would gladly repay her, and she said consider it a gift of love. This is my sister whose husband died a year ago. Needless to say we have talked at least twice a week most of our adult life. She reminded me that I had watched her 3 children for a year when she was accepted into the Federal Law enforcement program and had to go to Glynco for training. She reminded me that this is who we are- FAMILY- I cried, was humbled and very grateful.
Then I went through the would have, could have, should have's. I should have just put my stuff in storage for a few months, to see if this would work out. Before taking the leap of faith and jumping in without a back up plan. This is my daughter, and it never crossed my mind that I couldn't trust her. She has always been loving and caring, and we have always been there for each other.
Well that is water under the bridge. I have got my financial house in order, have gotten a bit of furniture , have a full working kitchen. I may not stay in Nebraska, but that won't be determined for a year. If there is any hope for reconciliation, I would like to stay close. But if this is going to be a permanent situation, I will be looking at a warmer climate.
In the meantime, I am doing the journaling recommended by the counselor and writing up the good memories I have in a Joy journal. I may not have a future in my daughter or grandchildren's lives, but I do have wonderful memories and those may have to be enough.
I had a God Breeze- trying to remember that if he brings me to it, He will bring me through it. I was browsing for part time work ( paid or volunteer) in this area, and the first one was for a part time receptionist for an RV dealership. I submitted my application at 10 am and by noon had a call asking me to come in for an interview. That is the first time I had applied for work since retiring in 2012. It is very doable. Every other weekend, only 5 minutes from my apartment (maybe some day I can say "home"), and the people are wonderful. It will also help me fill a big gap for now. I don't have a start date yet, the background checks are still in progress. No worries on that matter, just takes time.
I don't have a plan. I have always been so thoughtful about what I bring into my home. Right now I am being extremely frugal. I got an chair side table for $2.97 at a Goodwill Ware house, where they charge by the pound. It has good bones, but desperately needs refinished. For now, it is polished a bit and working fine. I decided to just have 2 chairs in the living room. I have a lovely bay window that I will put cushions on for additional seating. Creating home takes some time.
I am very tired, yes I recognize that this is a bit of depression. I am not normally a depressed person so this is a relatively new experience. I will get through this. I do believe I will learn something from this experience.
I am planning on going to a family reunion in June. This is held every other year. My Mom, 2 sisters and my eldest son are going. I am so looking forward to it. My sister is driving up from Oklahoma, and we will caravan to the reunion. This is usually attended by at least 100 people. I was hoping to take the grandchildren, but have set that aside. I did rent a large cabin, and am keeping that in place.
Today I am putting away my paperwork and setting up my vision board. It may seem like a small thing, but just for today I am staying on plan. I planned my meals for the week, ordered the groceries. Now I will spend some time doing laundry, dishes and spiffing the house. And of course do the Dog In/Dog Out Dance. At least that is something. Ringo likes exploring his new territory. He is particularly interested in the squirrels. Now if he will stop barking at them!! I have yet to find an off leash park for him to run in, but as it warms up we will do some exploring.
Thank you for your prayers and concerns.