Help Me Find the Diet I Want?!

Dear Readers,

I want this diet:

1) I want to have about .25 up to perhaps .50 cups of whole milk each day (mostly in my tea)

2) I need caffeine (in the form of tea)

3) I don't need added sugar and I cannot eat artificial or "substitute" sweeteners of any kind

4) I don't want low-fat but I also do not want to eat a whole lot of fat every day

5) I want to have some fruits and plenty of veggies every day

6) I probably want about 50-100 carbs a day. I don't need a lot more than that, but I probably cannot be happy with fewer. I have a deep and abiding love for apples and carrots

7) I probably need at least 600 calories a day to avoid hypogylcemia

8) I have a tofu phobia

9) I want an occasional serving of whole-grain oatmeal without feeling as if I am committing suicide.

10) I can totally live without rice, beans, pasta, and white potatoes on most days, but I like to have some hummus (chickpeas) regularly. I don't really need bread. I will sometimes have a cracker or two if my blood sugar is low. I would not consider a bowl of lentil soup a personal tragedy or failure. I would not mind having chili once or twice a month.

11) I am really incredibly lazy in the kitchen.

12) I don't want to eat huge swathes of meat like some sort of Medieval baron.

What diet does this fit? Keto is out; a long fast is out. Paleo seems out unless it looks the other way when I put milk in my tea. Low-fat is out...so what is in????