The switch clicked.....
Thursday, March 29, 2018
“It's like a switch, clickin' off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there's peace.”
― Tennessee Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
These lines from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" are spoken by the character, Brick, as he contemplates his alcoholism. I've often identified with the lines. I, too, have a switch. I managed to turn it on somehow last September and have since then lost 30 pounds with a lot of quiet determination. Every week a little bit more; that's all. Just a little bit more. I experimented with diets and found a place that seemed rational. Low-moderate carb; low but not too low calorie. I managed to stay there and never got complacent. I am an emotional eater. I know that to be true. When the switch is on, I don't feel those irrational cravings.
But I was triggered and the switch turned off a couple of days ago. I know what triggered me and I know why. Now I need to figure out how to turn it back on. I need my switch back. When the switch is off it makes perfect sense to my crippled mind to find consolation in carbs; to get my emotional comfort blanket covered and swaddled about me--but that comfort blanket is woven of sugar and white foods. It seems as if it's urgent that I eat a Saltine. And then another. And then the entire box.
I need to get the switch back on. I need to recognize my triggers and walk away from them. No matter how mortified I am or how much I know that I will be judged harshly.
The past always casts a very long shadow. But sometimes a little trigger, which the rest of the world can handle is for me like a blinding strobe light.