Thursday, May 24, 2018
I don’t get hungry. Like literally. My grehlin hormone doesn’t work but no one has ever really been able to tell me why. I eat because I like food. Good food. Buttery, salty, savory, sweet etc. I love to eat.
I’m also a stress eater. And a tired eater. And a sad eater. Happy eater.
You get the gist.
I’m all things right now. Stressed, tired, sad ... I had raw veggies for dinner. Not really a salad, just a bowl of raw vegetables. I’m so full. But I want pizza, fried chicken or a mushroom Swiss burger. I would probably make myself sick but I want it. Obviously I’m not going to eat anything. I’m on plan and ate what I planned and my number is good today so I’m done.
It used to be that didn’t work. I’d say “NO!” And I would mean it. Then I would order food. I don’t keep crap in my house and I eat clean. There are no crackers or cookies or cereal in my house. My willpower is not great when my stress eating monster comes out. But here’s the thing. I’m winning. More often than not now I opt not to stress eat that bad thing. Tonight on the way home I pulled off the road to get dinner at a drive thru. Then I pulled back out again. That’s a win. I’m making that choice more now than giving into the monster.
Now that does not mean that I don’t have the occasional slice of pizza, I just plan for it. Everything in moderation and only if it’s planned. Some days I throw things out the window and go for broke but then the next day I’m back on plan.
I’m learning to ignore the stress monster and the sleepy monster and controlling my tendency to eat bad for me foods. I came home tonight and cut up cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, celery and bell peppers and that was dinner. And I was happy and satiated.
There aren’t many days when I can say “I can do this” and mean it. I do try to trick myself into believing that. The “fake it til you make it” plan. But tonight I feel good. I feel strong. I beat the monsters tonight. I made good choices. I can do this. I am doing this. I’m working hard to lose weight and get healthy and get this cancer out of me and I am succeeding. 45 pounds down and 60 more to go before surgery approval. Then more after the hysterectomy until I hit my goal weight. I can do this.