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The Hardest Part of Ending is Starting Over Again

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

It's over. Its done. Both my Father and Father-In-Law have passed within 2 days of one another following grueling battles with Multiple Myeloma and Prostate cancer respectively. I've had a very hard time with grief. If my father had been abusive all the time, it would have been easier to go through. My mother has just about pushed me over the edge of sanity with her co-dependency and passive aggression. She's having a hard time adapting without her partner in dysfunction.

Right before Christmas, my worst fears for my troubled oldest daughter were realized. Her husband is in jail for spousal abuse and she is pregnant with her third child in 3 years. It's been challenging, but she is finally taking a crack at "adulting." I know not to expect perfection, but I'm hopeful she can function as a responsible adult and parent for a while.

I'm the local one so my sisters and cousin expected me to take care of things. This is on top of juggling three kids still at home and helping my husband who just started his own business and is working a full time contract as well to help build it. Under the crushing weight of these demands, I did not have the time, energy, or will to care for myself. I'm right back where I started, but older and more worn out.

No more. I need to be my priority because I don't want to live like this anymore. My Dear Daughter (2), the oldest still at home, told me it's time for me to say to Hell with everyone else and take care of myself first, because if I keep going on like I have I won't be around for everyone to demand it of me for long. She's right.

We're heading to North Carolina to lay my FIL to rest and will be back this weekend. I started over today anyway. I'll make the best of the 14 hour car trip tomorrow and Saturday, The hotel has a pool and fitness room. I'm bringing protein bars, water, and a shaker bottle for my protein shakes. I'm going to be selfish and spend as much time as I need at the gym or walking and logging my food, water and activity on Fitbit and Sparkpeople. I plan to schedule with my counselor as soon as we get back.

The hardest part of ending is starting over again, but I'm really looking forward to it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ANGGEL40
    So sorry for your loss, I have been there and know how you feel. But you have to take care of you first, get your me time in. Also keeping you and your family in my Prayers. Jesus Can Work It Out! Blessings!!
    729 days ago
  • DDOORN
    Taking care of yourself is never selfish! You are replenishing your well so that you can truly "be there" for others when you want or need to.

    Go YOU! :-)

    Don
    729 days ago
  • 4ROSEMARY
    emoticon
    I'm happy to hear you are making yourself a priority now...you deserve it! And you have my sympathy for the losses you have experienced and all the family drama and problems going on. I know I turn to food during times of stress, and you've had a very stressful time of things lately. I'm glad you have some support from your daughter. I wrote a blog recently with some quotes to ponder during times of family drama, and maybe you'll find some of them helpful:

    http://www.sparkpeo
    ple.com/mypage_public_journal_i
    ndividual.asp?blog_id=6486412


    We all have to take care of ourselves, because no one else can do it for us, and we are better able to help others when we are in good health. Best of luck with your goals and congrats on making yourself a priority!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    730 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/30/2018 1:11:32 PM
  • SMIDGON
    I am where you were just recently
    My eldest DD is presently in a Nursing facility abt. an hr. Away. She is a paraglyic since 2002. She is at this time in the hospital with an infection in her leg
    Our middle DS deceased as of 19mos ago. Colon cancer. Passed at age 52yr.
    Younger DD breast cancer 9yrs ago. SURVIVOR.
    Now, hubby is in nursing faculty for rehab. Heart and kidney serious confition.

    Meanwhile I have been putting my tests off. No more. Tomorrow I have Echo is find out what's wrong with my left lung.
    Where do I go next?

    BLESSINGS,
    JANET
    730 days ago
  • FITGIGI0102
    I'm sorry the hits just seem to keep coming, but I'm pleased that they're NOT keeping you down.
    730 days ago
  • INACAR
    Glad you are moving forward with everything going on in your life. Taking care of yourself will make you better for everyone else. Safe travels and getting back home.
    730 days ago
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