The Inner Struggle

I’m really struggling. I started eating better again and counting my calories, but it goes deeper than measuring cups, food scales and how much I weigh. It’s how I’m feeling on the inside. I truly don’t know how to love and value myself the way I should. All of my life I never felt like I fit in and I still feel this way. I have so much to be grateful for yet the joy from within is lacking. I feel like a fraud. I encourage others but don’t take much of it for myself. I need to pray to God for His help cause I feel like I’m drowning, just going through the motions. I could be a size 10, (ideal size) and still not feel good about myself. I’m not looking for sympathy, only being raw with how I’m feeling and been feeling. This comes from years of abuse that I endured by others and also abuse I inflicted on myself. I know I’m here on this site for many reasons. It does my heart good to encourage others and oh how I wish I let others encouragement sink way down deep. I’m sorry, as I don’t mean to bring anyone down. I have to pray and fight my way out of this. I’ve always been a fighter and a survivor but I want to do more than survive. I want to live the life that God intended and also to fully accept myself. Thank you for listening.