A very preceptive friend of mine mentioned last night that I've been rather quiet in our conversations lately. Since she is usually so accurate about me, I gave it lots of thought. I mentioned some little things that concern me and of course, some bigger things too. But mulling them over, nothing seems catastrophic. Just life happening.
But then I realized exactly what's going on and I am just so grateful! I realize that I am simply experiencing life without numbing out every day with my food. Living an unmedicated life is raw... and of course, that is why addicts have relapses, I believe, and it's no different if you are a food addict.
I am doing very, very well. Finally, people are taking notice of my weight loss, and though of course I am doing it for myself, I am a true lover of the pat on the back, so it pleases me. I have been buying some new clothes lately and have donated all of my old ones to charity and they will be well used, I bet. I haven't worn a size medium in.... 30 years? It feels great.
I continue on with Weight Watchers. I am just doing it online so I don't attend meetings, but it is working for me. It's an easy, doable plan that allows lots of free will, within the clear boundaries of daily and weekly points. I am proud to be staying accountable.
I'm now weighing every other day. Is it still too much? Probably. But it feels more sensible for me. I also started doing some free weights for my arms and need to continue to incorporate that into my life. I still run three times per week and ride my bike on days where I don't want to exercise at all.
I live a totally different life now in some respects and I can't imagine my health not ultimately thanking me for it. I can do this "forever", I know I can. I have left my 13 year old far in the past now, and the weight of regret and anger and victimization has been a release of a million pounds of angst. My soul feels like a feather, comparatively.
So? I'm just going to ramble forward. I am convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am worth ALL of the hard work it takes to become of optimal weight. It is worth journaling my food, planning for indulgences, exercising even when I don't want to, drinking water rather than soda. Anticipating holidays without thinking, "what goodies will I eat?" and instead thinking, "what conversations will I have?" I will focus on people, and not pie.
Making oneself proud is not something that is well discussed but I find that it goes hand in hand with what I've always considered such an elusive term, "loving yourself".
I'm worth the work. And so are you.