60 lbs lost, and nearing goal!
Thursday, November 29, 2018
I have these days. In this journey, there is a lot of buildup, a lot of longing, a lot of fantasizing what the future will bring, and agonizing over how long it will take to get there. And then, you get there, and the amount of work and energy and fortitude it took, just feels so immense compared to a tiny moment. To lose weight, I have to operate always at more energy expended than taken in. And as I mentioned yesterday, at almost 3 years of doing this in a row, it is exhausting. Maybe less so for most people, who are healthy and so when they lose they actually feel better. But since I'm sick, when I lose 60 lbs (27.2 kg), I feel exactly the same as when I started. Except my limbs are maybe a little lighter when I move them. And complicated yoga is easier, because my limbs aren't so fat.
So today, after having felt like I was starving all night so much I was nauseous, I was weak, but I hit a number I haven't seen in 10 years, since I first got sick. And it represents 60 full lbs lost off my body.
And all I feel is tired.
I am starting to look like the person I remember myself being, before illness. I don't know that health with come with it. But I am only 5lbs away from my original goal. And now that I am here, (and see that because I lack the muscle mass I had when I was healthy, the same weight actually looks 10lbs fatter) I realize that I actually have 10 or 15 lbs more to lose. I have a lot more fat than I used to have, from being bedridden for years. But I am grateful to have reached this point. And after I've had a chance to rest and recuperate from this latest slog, I will probably finally be able to feel it!
I expect to reach my original goal, 5 lbs from now, in December or early January. Dessicated thyroid is definitely a part of me being able to reach these numbers finally. I have a ton of my old clothes, most still in good condition after a few moves, that should finally fit me again when I hit it! That will make life a million times easier! I have been between sizes for months now, unable to wear anything without it hanging off of me and looking dowdy and frumpy, or skin tight and bulging and misshapen. Having no butt, and a gut that looks like my butt migrated to the front of my body, has been miserable, lol! This is not at all what I remember looking like before I got sick. I miss looking athletic. So hopefully these clothes will still look good on me, and it will be like having a brand new wardrobe for free!
It has been so hot here, that I could use all the help I could get to look better in small light things, and if we have a few cooler days, I could maybe even wear my old jeans!
For now, I still have a ways to go. I hope to have an ideal body - although with perhaps less muscle than I would like - by my 3 year anniversary of being on Spark in Feb. Would be awesome to finally be DONE with always losing weight, always taking in fewer calories than my body is telling me I need!
It turns out, I was right, the desperate feeling to eat high calorie food and then feeling like I'm starving yesterday, was hormonal. I got my period again today. I've never had a regular cycle since puberty, so I never really know what causes a sudden desperate need to eat myself into a food coma, or to not feel hungry at all. But now I realize it made sense, and soon I will be back to feeling like I can eat normally and not have the gnawing hunger pains all day and all night that nothing the world seems to alleviate. It is just a matter of time until I finally get where I'm trying to go!