A Little Whine
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
I woke up this morning close to my scream weight. I have been on a binge of night time dessert eating. I know this weight episode is just that, an episode. I know that the fundamentals of losing weight are always available to me.
So, I read my list of advantages of losing weight with more care and attention. I am always more committed in the morning. I am exactly like a drunk who wakes up in the morning swearing “I will never…” and resolve lasts until cocktail hour.
My number one advantage of losing weight is to be healthy.
Now I am a cup half full woman as opposed to a cup half empty. But today my cup feels like it holds less than it used to. At the moment, I don’t really believe in my capacity to be healthy. I am measuring myself in terms of when I was young. That is not realistic. And the “Advantage” seems fraudulent. At least this morning.
I don’t know what to think about aging. And I don’t know what it means to me personally. There is a 92-year-old man I know who goes to the YMCA every single day. He pumps iron. He is amazing. He looks and behaves like a fit 50-year-old. I like to hold people like him up as models of what can be. On my better days I have faith that many feats are possible with effort.
When I am wallowing in my morning after moods, I feel helpless and faithless. The “with effort” part of the fit 92-year-old drops off my radar. I cease to believe. There is no cause and effect. There remain only joint aches and sugar blues and frustration and worst of all, loss of faith in the dream of good health and vitality.
Today’s chapter in my rereading of the Beck Diet Solution is all about how engaging with others to get help improves weight loss success. Writing this blog today is my effort to that. I do need to wrestle with this issue of diminishing capacity. It is in my face. But I really don’t want to give in to aches and pains and frailty before I absolutely have to. If I absolutely have to. It is hard though. I have compassion for friends and acquaintances who give in, don’t exercise, don’t give it any effort. I get mad at the effort part. It is empowering to know that with effort things can be better than they are, and the cup does not have to get smaller faster.