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Ashamed

Saturday, January 19, 2019

My main goal in life is to have a deeper relationship with God. Another is being healthy. I'm trying to let all the things you and SP say sink in (memory not so good anymore) in hopes they will motivate me.

Last year, with God's help, I lost 30lbs. I give God the credit cause I'm too weak to do the work on my own. Even then I barely exercised knowing full well it was good for me and I needed it. Still, I was losing and feeling good. I needed to lose another 20lbs before reaching my goal. Instead of moving forward I stopped and digressed just as I have so many times before. I have gained 15lbs and am continuing to gain.

Why? Why did I stop? I was happy and feeling good. Proud, but not too proud as I know God was the reason for my being able to lose and when people commented I would tell them just that. I also gave credit to you amazing SP and again God for leading me to you. You don't know how much you all mean to me. This is an awesome site so full of help and inspiration, but the people here make it that way and I thank each one of you.

So, why have I sabotaged myself and why can't I get back on track? I don't want to gain anymore and I know God's patiently waiting for me to get started again so why don't I? Why am I so resistant? Why am I so lazy? Why am I so stubborn? What's the hold up?

I've been this way my entire life. I once made Lifetime goal with WW and for a brief moment it was so awesome. I gained it all back and as we know gaining is done more rapidly than losing and so much easier, at least for me.

I'm not giving up on myself and I know God will never give up on me. With His help I'll eventually move forward, but it would be so much better if I would start right now and quit putting it off and making my goal further away.

Why do I do this to myself each and every time? If any of you have any answers or suggestions I am so open to them and thank you.

I'm not even sure if I should post this blog. I feel ashamed for disappointing God, others and myself. I don't mean to be so down and certainly don't want to bring anyone down with me.

Thank you for the posts and blogs you write. You never know when one will be just what someone else needed at the time.

I am truly grateful for all God's many many blessings and I am happy it's just I know I can be happier - smaller.

Thank you for your help and support. God bless you all!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 1ZIPPYC
    Believe me I've had more ups and downs in my weight loss journey that normally would have derailed me prior to SP! That's why it took me 8 years to lose 103 pounds! No one is perfect and God doesn't expect you to. be. Just believe in yourself and whatever will get you there. I was 3 pounds away from getting to Onederland and then self sabotage! Lost sight of the goal or maybe I was just plain wore out from all the strictness and constantly trying to be good. Plus, now I'm up 11 pounds since that 203#
    I achieved last summer! So I have messed around enough and I can't blame even a shoulder injury and surgery on my bad eating habits. Maybe lack of exercise at first, but I'm back at that full force, so my shoulder won't become frozen! Stay focused and get back at it !!! We can do this! Tune and watch The Titan Games on Thursday night and watch some inspiring athletes conquer! It will help! emoticon emoticon
    299 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/26/2019 4:36:18 PM
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    HUGS and just do your best. With His help, all things are possible.
    305 days ago
  • WALLAHALLA
    I have found there is a direct link between my spiritual and physical health. When I'm taking care of myself spiritually, and have my priorities in order there, the physical follows. When I let my spiritual life get out of whack, they physical is soon to follow. I can so relate to how you feel. It seems to be when I suddenly realize that my physical choices are not what they should be that I get the wake up call that I'm slipping somewhere spiritually. Kind of like the book of Judges, where the people do great for awhile, fall back into old habits and patterns, and cry out to the Lord for deliverance. God never failed to come through for them, and He will never fail to come through for us.
    305 days ago
  • SUSIEMT
    Speaking for myself, I had given up on losing weight and did not care if I gained. This was back in the late 90's. I was at work one day and had a terrible blow up with one of my co-workers. I was in tears at the end of it. I thought long and hard after making the apology to him about what the heck was wrong with me? I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He did put me on some medication to reduce my anxiety and referred me to a phycologist for counseling. Fortunately, he really helped me, not especially with weight loss but understanding me and how to deal with life!
    Then about 5 years later I found sparkpeople. That's when I found out almost everything Mom told me about weight and exercise was TRUE! Go figure.

    I also decided when I got to spark that I would follow their advice making small changes and when I incorporated them in my life as habits made more small changes. There is no magic cure!

    One thing I did notice about your blog was you do not speak kindly about yourself. You do need to learn to love you and your body at whatever weight! That is just a thought! We want you to succeed but you have to do it in your time!

    emoticon emoticon
    305 days ago
  • LPORTER2015
    We are all here for the same reason. Some of us are more successful than others. Thus journey is personal. Get a journal or notebook so you can get back to basics. Planning and tracking is key to success!
    306 days ago
  • SIMPLY_JAE
    I to have gained and lost weight only to gain it all back..I have losing again..it is true we have an enemy that does not want us to succeed..We also have a big God that cares for us..have you looked into any issues of why you might be afraid to be thin..it isn't just always the pounds lost..maybe it is the why do you put the weight back on.. i learned for me..I used my weight to hide..it covered me for a person..once I dealt with that it became something to deal with while trying to lose weight
    306 days ago
  • WARRIORSUE

    I think that shame is delivered from Satan himself, since he knows fully well how damaging it is and how it can remove us from the love of God. I never felt deserving of anything: not God's Love, not weight loss....
    and I was not successful for decades. I guess I just reached a point where I was miserable being miserable, so I started taking the little steps that added up to success.

    You can do this. You already have! You know what is needed. But now the biggest obstacle... to step out of the shame and achieve what God wants for you, and what you truly deserve. A healthy body, and peace of mind.
    306 days ago
  • ROADTOFREEDOM
    I'll share my own situation and hope that it helps, though I'm not trying to make this about me.

    I've gained 25 pounds and I feel ashamed of my increased fat about my middle, so I hear you. Nothing new. I tend to feel a lot of shame. If I'm logical about it, the shame that I feel is not justified. Sometimes I think that I just came to the planet full of shame. (I see some people that I suspect have no shame, so maybe I got more than my share when it was portioned out.)

    In my case, I suspect that I've sunk into a low emotional place and food (and some vodka) has been the way that I've chosen to self medicate in the past few years.

    So, I'm trying to work through my emotional state using some tools. Gill mentioned the Linda Spangle books. I've just joined the team that Gill heads up and I'm finding the daily information to be helpful. I don't belong to an organised religion, but I do read books that have spiritual themes. Right now I'm working with "A Course in Miracles" and also reading Marianne Williamson's "A Course in Weight Loss". I've started using the Sedona Method again. This emotional weight that I feel needs to go. In fact, I think it needs to go before the physical weight can go.

    I'm writing in my journal. Participating on SP again. I'm exercising regularly. So far, I haven't lost much weight, but I feel as if I'm making progress.

    Take care of yourself.

    emoticon
    306 days ago
  • RSCHWARTZ2
    It's not an easy journey. I lost 87 pounds and gained it all back plus some before losing over 100 pounds this time around. Self sabotage is common and until you get to the root cause of it will continue to plague you in various areas of your life even if you do lose the weight and keep it off. You need to believe you are worthy of success and good things. Examine the things in your life that have led to low self esteem and work on improving it.
    306 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    You are awesome and beautiful regardless of the number on the scale. Please don't be ashamed. This journey is never easy. Spark friends does make it easier but it takes a lot of work and willpower.
    Sending hugs and prayers for strength to you. You can do this.
    306 days ago
  • KITTYHAWK1949
    God loves you no matter your size. God loves you whether or not you exercise. You need to do the same. You need to be happy now not x-number of pounds from now. Everyday you should tell yourself positive things. I think that comes first--loving YOU.
    That being said you want to be healthy so you can live long and serve the Lord to the best of your abilities. That most likely means you do need to find some exercise and or activities that you can do and enjoy. The need to enjoy is because most people just don't continue doing something they don't enjoy. I had a lot of trouble finding any exercise that I liked but once I started trying different things I found a few that I like enough that I have kept doing and even increased doing.
    I was up to 321 at my highest about 15 years ago. It took me about 3 years to lose 100 # and then I slowly started slipping and gained almost all of it back. At 315 I started again to slowly lose some and was down to 295 when I retired and knew I needed more help so used SP to help. Lost about 30-35 # when I quit again mostly due to a silly emotional upset. I was back up to 295 when in May of last year I became active once again here. I have been very slow losing because it was by diet alone until maybe in Oct. I started going to the pool at the gym. I now go to 3 water fit classes a week and continue one day of just walking in the pool on my own. It is helping in so many ways to make me stronger and lose a bit faster. And I have a new manta 'This time, this time - Never quit, never quit !!'
    You know you can and will continue the good fight. Enjoy the journey and keep loving yourself.

    emoticon emoticon
    306 days ago
  • SWEETENUFGILL
    Self-sabotage is one of the topics that is covered in the Linda Spangle books (100 Days of Weight Loss, and 100 MORE Days of Weight Loss).

    Here's one that might help (you'll need to cut-and-paste it as I can't put a proper link here)
    www.weightlossjoy.com/setback-o
    r-failure

    emoticon
    306 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/20/2019 6:12:39 AM
  • LIVELYGIRL2
    I know it is frustrating , but you could read this story hundreds of times here.I mean people who have lost and put it back ( or more ). One family member lost nearly 100 lbs. and now 5 years later is starting over. She added additional pounds also. She has now lost 30.

    Maybe it's better to look at what your doing, not what happened in-between. It's good you have a conscience
    to stop dead in your tracks and start once more. However, it doesn't help beating oneself up. Some of the ones who have the worst time, are those who have these diets, that completely eliminate to never again each such and such again. Or so restrictive, that when they do loose... it will return because no one can eat that way forever.

    If you really hate to do any exercise, why not do one of those arm or feet things that go on the floor or table. That way, you can distract yourself while doing something else.I know others that give themselves rewards when they get a certain amount of beads. Like a movie, nail polish, warm gloves...

    Hang in there okay.

    We like you here. Yep, indeed. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    306 days ago
  • KR7770
    The first thing that comes to my mind reading this post is that you must see yourself: first as being worthy of God the Father sending His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to pay the price so that He could have you with Him for all eternity! Our heavenly Father would be more concerned if when we fall, we never get up and try again!

    "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof" (Proverbs 18:21 KJV). Beginning right now, you have nothing to be ashamed about. You are a child of God and you will be an overcomer! Instead of focusing on what you did yesterday, you can begin today to say, " I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13 KJV). Feed on God's word and when the devil attempts to tempt you, do what Jesus did... say, "It is written."

    Jesus said, we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. You can do it!






    306 days ago
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