Day 45 - sadness...?!
Tuesday, February 05, 2019
Sadness,..... sometimes extreme sadness, is what my cravings feel like. I believe my biggest issue is not really choosing the right food, excercise, etc. - but its how I deal with emotions and what I associate them with. How I recognize what they stand for and to replace the responses to food, and how it makes me feel.
I have been “observing” and “listening” to myself and want to take note and reflect on this.
I know I have an addictive nature - have smoked for (too) many years (10 days smoke free!!!), and have been over eating for the last 30+ years. I know that I was (am still) addicted to both. But when I tried to explain to someone who doesn’t have an overeating issue, who doesn’t “enjoy” food as much, its difficult to describe what food means to me, what it does to me, and how it makes me feel.
First, I have a whole list of food that makes me “very happy”, mostly high fat, high carb and salty, like a slice (alright, a whole) pizza.
But then there is another bunch of food, or kinds of food that gives me “the ultimate bliss” an extreme happiness. And that’s diffcult to explain. It’s kind of a hug when you are lonely, a warm blanket when you are cold, the feeling when you are waking up, and you can roll over and tuck in once more in your warm blanket - just a 100-fold more intense. It could be a double quarter pounder cheese burger. 1 is a meal, but I would have at least 2, because I could, and probably another smaller one for good measure, for later.
So, when I think of these foods, or get a craving for them, this sense of sadness and loss sets in, the feeling that its not fair that others can, but I cannot eat it, indulge in it.
The thing though is, I realize and keep telling myself, that these are just cravings, withdrawal from an addiction, my limbic brain playing tricks. Because all you really think off is the “bliss”, the high - and you never remember that the bliss doesn’t last, that only the first bit really elates, that the “hit” is short-lived and after a couple of bites it all loses its taste, but you keep hoping for more. And then.....it all changes into guilt, and being stuffed, and feeling bad, ashamed perhaps, angry with yourself for overeating.
So, I came to the conclusion that my focus must be on paying attention to what my thoughts and feelings in association with food, and smoking are - recognizing them for what they are, and moving on - having a bit of water instead. Thinking ahead of what my next, planned, meal will be. Recognizing that I am not starving myself, that I eat enough to function and be healthy. That I do not have to indulge and overeat. And some time in the future, perhaps there will be the day when I can take a bite of a burger, put it down and walk away.
But, for the time being, I will continue to listen to myself, observe and update my own “operating manual” - I will figure out how I tick, and make the right choices, because..... I can, and I WILL!!!!
Day 45 - 33.4lbs down - 166.6lbs or 555 days to go to 225lbs
(First plateau! - working on getting over the hump) - have been eating well - 3 eggs for breakfast, 3 eggs and pork rinds for lunch and 16oz of pork tenderloin - feeling great and know things will settle and the weight will come off.