When your world crumbles around you...
Friday, February 15, 2019
Ever since I was a little girl I would struggle with my weight. I was often the chubby kid who never felt comfortable in her own skin. The more stress around me the more weight I'd pack on. This is how I've come to learn I was an emotional eater.
Well, I've finally hit the worst part of my life and I am at the WORST weight I've ever been in also in the worst shape I've ever been in.
My husband of 21 years and I separated August 2018 2 days before my youngest daughter turned 11. It was the most gut wrenching horrible feeling I have ever been through. Here the man I thought I'd be with for forever let me down in the most horrific way.
I spent the last couple of years thinking something was wrong with me... that I battled co-dependent issues. That my anxiety was too intense. That my weight was an issue. That I wasn't attractive enough.
NO! What I learned was my ex-husband was a narcissist who I would never ever please no matter what changes I made to myself. He'd always find an excuse to make me feel worse than I was.
Although I know this now... and I know none of this was ever about me.... I can't help but feel great sadness and anguish over the loss. So, how do I cope? With an amazing amount of poor eating habits. I don't cook anymore... I eat out all the time. I can't even remember what vegetables look like. Soda consumption is at an all time high and I feel sluggish, gross, and disgusting.
I want like crazy to make a change... but, I go for a few days and give up and then repeat the cycle which only depresses me even more.
It breaks my heart knowing my girls are watching this and they see me basically beating myself up with food. My 16 year old has yelled at me a couple of times that I need to quit the soda and eating out... she's sick of it and wants a real home cooked meal again... but, I can't do it. I go in spurts where I feel like I'm invincible and able to do everything in the world... and then It's several days in a row where I just can barely make it out of bed let alone make meals for my kids and I.
I need help setting up a plan - how to get through these struggles and learn how to better cope with my emotional eating disorder. I want to one day get back into the dating scene and want to be able to give the better version of myself away not this shell of a woman who I don't even care for.