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LEMONYLACE
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Better living through chemistry (maybe...)

Monday, March 11, 2019

Welp, it's 3 a.m. and I'm listening to music. Its chill music. I'm relaxed but still really alert. Time to update.

Christmas season came and went. After nine months of learning how to program and make web pages, I lost my steam. Looking for a web dev/design job in my current location was looking pretty bleak. There were a couple of marketing offices in town that make web pages for people (mostly local) but their pages didn't look the most up to date. They got money for that...I emailed them anyway with a link to my projects and stuff and they never got back to me.

I signed up for those freelancing websites but wasn't sure where to start as far as bidding on a job. I could get a guide to freelance success...if I had a couple hundred bucks. A lot of the jobs looked like Wordpress (a blogging platform) jobs, which I don't know, or database work, which I also don't know outside of making queries to a database. The bad mood got worse.

Then in January I had to reup with the low cost clinic for the year. When they were interviewing me, they asked if I wanted counseling. I said I'd think about it. I hemmed and hawed. I've tried to get help before and either my parents were against it (when I was younger and went to a psychiatrist by myself and came home with a Prozac sample, they went off on me) or it kind of helped but didn't go deep enough.

Mostly I was worried about the cost. I couldn't even afford it with insurance, because the mental health portion was always skimpy. I mulled it over for a month, then I called the clinic and they said I could talk to someone for free. I was shocked. I scheduled an appointment.

The intake interview was pretty wild. I spilled a lot of stuff and didn't get blown off. It was an odd feeling. I cried. It was just nice to talk to someone even though they were there as their job. Then they scheduled me for a psych appointment. Another interview, and a prescription. That was last week.

I've been on antidepressants for about a week now. I don't want to be, but diet/exercise/meditation isn't doing a whole lot to lift my mood. So far, the only changes I've seen are dry mouth, yawning when I'm not very tired, and sometimes trembling, though I've had shaky hands and stuff before this it's been a while. Emotionally there's times where I'm just still. It's not the zombie fog people talk about but it's quiet. I might be imagining it. It hasn't been long enough for anything to happen yet. (Unless I'm special)

I'm hoping I don't have to cycle through too many pills to find the right one, so I'm being patient. We'll see at the six week follow up. I'm keeping a written journal so I can look back and see if things change.

I'm hoping my energy level gets better so I can work on coding projects again without losing focus. I really don't want to forget what I spent so much time to learn. I noticed a few weeks ago that my concentration was getting worse and I stopped in the middle of a JavaScript tutorial I was going through as a refresher. Before, I was trying to do a little something every day, even if it was just changing something in a project I'd already done, but after Christmas "what's the damn point?" started popping up in my head more and more often. My ability to push through it was at an all time low. It's affected my ability to work as well.

I'm glad the intake lady mentioned therapy. They hadn't said anything about it last year. At some point, I hope to make for years of being in the doldrums.

So that's what I've been up to the past few months. Now the yawning is starting to feel real so I'm going to turn in finally.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KENDRACARROLL
    Glad you're getting help.
    emoticon

    590 days ago
  • EISSA7
    Glad that you took the step to reach out and connect...it may take awhile, but you are on the right path to relieving your depression. Take care.
    592 days ago
  • LOF7203
    Thanks for sharing
    592 days ago
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