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Monday, April 01, 2019

I've never had any serious bouts of depression that required long term treatment. Situational depression sure - like when my husband left me for his ex wife - that was a doozy!

I mostly deal with things as they come along and do pretty well, voicing my frustrations or concerns to friendly family members and/or friends. Recently things have come to a bit of a crossroads for me. Well more to the point I think that I have just had one too many things occur all at the same time and it has thrown me off my plan. Recently I was told by three different people that I just need to get over it. Lovingly but shut down nonetheless.

I find myself cravings sweets and salty snacks and heading to the kitchen for something to nosh on way too much. Occasionally in the last few weeks I've tracked my calories, been done for the day and then gone back to eat more. Mostly when I exceed my calories it's incidental or accidental. IE this weekend I baked mini banana oatmeal nut muffins and I had three thinking that was the serving size but it was two AND when I entered the information into the recipe calculator I didn't add the walnuts the first time. So ... oops. :) Not the end of the world.

BUT non-incidental or accidental off plan eating is a disaster waiting to happen for me. Emotional or stress eating is a thing. It's not hunger, it's feeding my feelings and it's a slippery slope. I have a friend who says we can't control this and we're just going to have to live like a foodaholic for the rest of our lives. I'm not buying that. I think that's a defeatist attitude and I'm not into that.

I have cancer and have had it for two years. I'm undergoing treatment which is basically taking two pills a day and having a biopsy every four months. This is now changing. They are taking everything out soon and I'm going to be ostensibly cancer free. I've had to wait until I could lose weight. I lost 70 pounds but have gained back 7 of that in the last three weeks.

I have gastrointestinal issues. This may or may not be related to the above. It requires more tests and I absolutely positively do NOT want any other tests that might delay my cancer surgery! Seriously, I need this cancer OUT!

My primary care giver - a very close family member - is not speaking to me. I have no idea if she is going to make herself available to me for my surgery and for after. From my understanding I am going to need someone to stay with me for at least a week. I'm soliciting potential help from friends and that's humiliating.

My employer is incredibly supportive of me during this bout with cancer but I work in a hostile work environment. AKA I have a hostile direct report that they will not allow me to terminate. Long disgusting story.

I'm sick nearly all the time. Not like cancer sick but my resistance is so compromised that I get everything everything everything. OR if I'm not sick I'm tired. This weekend I had chills and fever but I have no idea why. So the weekend just flew by while I rested and tried not to get sick(er?). It's a mess and I'm so tired of it. I take vitamins and I follow the rules given to me by my doctors (ugh multiple doctors that's just not a thing I've had to deal with before the damn cancer).

My world is pretty simple and my life is pretty low key and I like it like that. I just go through life hippy style hoping everyone has a good life like me.

Recently though, my stress levels have been through the roof. My tolerance is at an all time low. My frustration is palpable and my fear of losing my simple low key life is just beyond my grasp. Not that I'm grabbing for it mind you but it's there, just hanging around mocking me and telling me to buy that bag of black licorice or eat the cheese and crackers for a snack after I'm done with my plan for the day. IE just now my officemate and creator of the hostile work environment just had her phone go off at maximum volume because she can't figure out how to make it go on vibrate and I can feel myself doing a slow burn.

Anyway, blogging is cathartic for me and I need that right now but for the first time in probably 15 years I think I need more. I made an appointment with a therapist to help develop some coping mechanisms that do not revolve around food. I need to find healthier ways to deal with all of this. I have certain things I do like blog, write, craft, take a hiatus from social media (believe me so necessary) etc but right now these things just aren't doing the trick. Dr. Now from that show "My 600 Pound Life" always recommends therapy and I'm thinking maybe it can only help. I hope. I need to stay away from my triggers or learn better tools to deal with these things that I can't control. I need a refresher on setting boundaries and not allowing other peoples' problems or prejudices to impact my life negatively. I need to stop freaking out about potentially not having a caregiver who I trust when I am completely dependent upon someone else. AND do not even get me STARTED on how difficult THAT is for me - to have to depend on other people?? I AM the caregiver not the caregivEE!

Ugh my stomach is upset right now just thinking about this. I'm fasting today so thankfully there's nothing in there. :)

I can do this I know I can. I feel weak for having to ask for help but I know that's a throwback to how I was raised. We weren't supposed to cry or show signs of weakness or anger. We still can't really or it gets other family members riled up. It's sad really. I'm an emotional person by nature and the only place I can't show my true self is around my family. Well except for my daughter who is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME by the way. And 19 hours away.

So I want no more cancer, no more drama, no more angry co-worker ... I want control of my life. I want to take back what this cancer has taken from me.

Okay I'm not sure that I feel better but at least I don't want to fling paper clips at my officemate any longer. Thanks for "listening"
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