Wednesday, April 10, 2019
I'm trying to do homework, but my lovey feline is sleeping on my textbooks. Since he's my wild child, I'm letting him for the time being just so he's not up and terrorizing the household. At least for these few minutes.
I've been struggling for a while which is why I disappeared after my last blog. I didn't have anything new to report- good or bad. Unfortunately I don't have much good to report. I have been without a good functioning refrigerator for the last 3 1/2 months. In fact, since November it worked on and off until it finally just stopped working altogether. Today it was finally repaired, so hopefully I can get myself back on food track with a functioning fridge. Less fast or easy food will be good. I enjoy cooking, but man is it near impossible without a refrigerator. How did people do it before they were invented?!? I would not survive a Civil War reenactment, lol!
I have been really struggling with depression lately. I think my exhaustion is only partly caused by my medications and the rest is actual depression. I don't want to take more meds and I'm pretty sure my current bought of depression is due to situation and not chemical imbalance. I hate living here at my father's home. It's quite a toxic environment and it's completely unhealthy for my mental health. My mom's, too, but that's a whole other story. I wish I could leave here, but with two cats who I refuse to give up, finding a place to rent will be hard. Not to mention the money aspect, but I'd be willing to get a second job if it meant being in a better place.
I just saw my psychiatrist, so I'm doing okay and keeping up with my mental health. I was weighed there and my weight hasn't changed at all (thank goodness I didn't gain) and my blood pressure was a little high. It made me feel really crappy that I wasn't doing anything to fix THOSE problems. It triggered a slightly deeper depression that I'm still feeling today. It's just super discouraging. And I'm supposed to go get lab work done because there was something in my previous labs that concerned my doc and he's worried I'm on my way to developing Type 2 diabetes. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if I did with how my diet and activity level has been lately.
Needless to say, I know the gym would help a lot, but my exhaustion is just too great to get me there. I am pretty sure I can push through it at some point, but in the meantime... I can't... Also, my gym dues are due and I don't have the money at the moment. My room is a mess (much like the environment of my brain) and I can't get myself to clean it. The space would be enough to do some simple exercises, but nothing too fancy. I wish I had at least that going for me. It's already getting too hot out for exercise outdoors, not that I could thanks to asthma anyway, but I wish I had that option, too.
And lately loneliness is getting the better of me. I am 36 years old, working part-time for a non-profit (which I love, don't get me wrong) with a bachelor's degree in bullsh** theatre and no love interest anywhere in the picture or horizon. I would love some companionship. I want kids someday. I want to get married. And I keep getting told "it's all in God's time" which is starting to feel like some crappy theology that makes people feel worse instead of better. I know it makes me feel worse. Of all my close girlfriends from high school (whom I still talk to regularly) I am the only one unmarried and/or without children. I can't help but think it's because I'm fat. Hear me out on this one- I'm sure there are men out there who don't care about a woman's size blah blah blah... But, I am uncomfortable in my fat skin and I'm sure that translates out into a portion of my personality somehow, even if I try not to let that show. I do try to exude a bit of confidence and ordinarily I am a happy-go-lucky person. But this world is not kind to large people. And it may be shallow to seek out looks first, but that's the reality- that's what draws one person to another initially. I mean, there's a barista at my local Starbucks who I have a crush on. He's absolutely GORGEOUS! And that's what drew me to him initially. Then we befriended each other on social media and I find there's more to him to like. He's funny, he's smart, he's friendly... He's athletic. I'm not ever going to get the guts to ask him on a date or anything, but I'm sure he's looking for someone more his own build. Maybe not a surfer like he is, but someone who takes care of themselves. Or at least attempts to. Someone not me. OR not the current me.
Sigh. These are just thoughts whirring around my head. I promise you I'm still trying. I am going back to school taking a few business classes. I may not be able to pass chemistry and continue my dietitian studies, but I can at least study something and constantly work to improve my knowledge. And who knows... maybe I'll like it enough to pursue it. I'm enjoying it so far. I think only a secretary would be excited about learning new filing techniques, lol! It'll help at my current job, too, so I'm all for it. We'll see. I'm not looking too far ahead when I have so much to work on right now.