4/22/2019 SELF-CARE and SELF-Sabotage
Monday, April 22, 2019
Self-care is getting harder and harder yet, I've done very little to help myself out of this state. I'm calling myself out and want to keep myself accountable.
I've been here before a few times. I'm at the point that it's so hard to even take a simple shower. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable but I have to be REAL...Scrubbing my butt is even harder than trying to reach over and clean my lady parts over here...sorry to be so 'real' but I'm that bad off and it's just the truth....yet, I'm here again at this very state that I said I'd never be at. This is sick. I hate it. I want to cry every time I shower. Im in so much pain and can't even clean myself without the aide of something to help me reach. I've even got a few muscle spasms trying to bath.
I want to make something click in me to actually make that change last forever. I want to live again and feel good in the shower but I've been driven to gorge out and zone out into a dream land where I'm fit again and able to do the things I once loved and made me feel alive.
Instead of self care it's more like self-sabotage. Why am I doing this to myself. Why can't I make it stick? I keep asking myself these questions but I never fully make that transformation in mind. I'm still emotional eating and doing the very things that are making me worse and keeping me from my dreams.
I decided even though I'm in all kinds of pain from my head to my toes that I will walk today and I did. I only did 10 minutes but that's not what I celebrate. I am celebrating that even though I feel defeated by this body and food issues that I still keep going, that there inside of me is faith that one day I will be solid and I will reach my goals. I know this will only happen if I keep going and make changes in my life even if they are little ones but I have to be consistent and build on it. I also have to work on my mind because I know that without these real changes that I will just stay where I am or get worse.