Journey of self discovery
Sunday, May 05, 2019
I am finding out that this journey of self discovery can be very tough and even humiliating.
I watched a podcast that was very educational and debilitating today but in such a good way. I learned that I still do not believe in myself. By the time the "class" was over I was in tears.
Why have I become this way? Why have I allowed it? It all has to do with my past.............they say the past cant hurt you anymore..............oh but it can!!!!
I didnt realize how ingrained the criticism from my past was still with me. "I'm just not good enough" has apparently been my way of thinking from childhood. And I didnt overcome it I just buried it and thought I was better and self confident. Makes so much sense now...........why I feel like im not flourishing in life. Why I eat my emotions. I have locked myself in this "box" of fear. Fear that another man would never want me...............heard that from my ex for 27 years. Ive been single for 7 years and have not even dated. My mom still treats me like i'm 2 always criticizing me and even announced on facebook the other day that she is ashamed of me. OUCH! And hear I sit bawling and snotting!
So what am I going to do to change this? Practice self love instead of loathing? Prove to people I am better than that? Why do either of those? Thats what ive done all of my life and it hasnt worked. So you know what I was taught in that podcast? To change. To change the way I think of the past. Am I really not good enough to have a man in my life? Am I really someone that my parents should be ashamed of? Did I mention that I am 57 years old? Am I really failing at life?
I also discovered my "purpose in life" today. I always thought I had to look for it.........to figure it out but its always just what ive been doing-----helping others. Every job I have ever had has been to help people in some way. I've worked with the elderly, in retail, babysitting, low income housing, etc. and I always thrive when I know that somehow I have helped somebody discover some little part of themselves. Whether it was showing an elderly person that they can still do things for themselves. Or watching a families face light up when I first show them the inside of their new home--nothing like watching the face of a homeless kid see their "new" bedroom even if there is no bed in it. Finding the perfect outfit or gift for a customer and the pleasure and excitement in their face! Talking to someone that is depressed or upset about something and letting them know they are not alone in the world.
So I have my "homework" cut out for me. And I dont need to love myself I need to believe in myself...........I need to believe that I am worthy of myself. I need to face the negativity head on and embrace it and change the way I think about it. I need to set boundaries on those that do not believe in me. I need to let go of more of my past and realize the problem wasnt mine but those who criticized me. I need to climb out of my box and face fear. Fear of being embarrassed, of whether someone will like me or accept me, of things I may fail at. The fear that I cant make my child stop doing drugs and the reality that I may lose them for life. Accept the fact that they have to make the changes I cant do it for them. So many lessons still to learn and life is so short.
Its hard to bare my soul to so many people but I just stepped out of my little box. I hope this helps someone else that is struggling with their past and future decisions. And that you may all find the tools you need to help yourself and believe!