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Trying to Balance on So Many Levels.

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Okedoke. Time for a check in. Most of this is just trying to keep track of what I'm feeling when.
So much is focused on balance right now. So many types of balance to, well, balance.

Yes, some of it is the basic physical type. I have bad vertigo issues when I'm flaring. If I have had a lot of stress, had to do more than usual physical or mental labor for the day, or been overstimulated with sound/color/light, I will feel fragile and wobbly. I will have to move slowly and gingerly. Physical balance is a problem. Just discovered a new bit last night. Tried ear plugs (have always hated the feel but, if I'm to see my kid play volleyball or go to some of the myriad of meetings her school requires this time of year, they'll be a necessity) and learned I can't hear diddly squat with them in. Tried taking one out. Apparently, if I have only one in, it sets off those same vertigo/fragile/wobbly feelings. I've only tried it with one in the right ear and not in the left. Will have to try the reverse.

Then there are so many versions of life balance. I have to take care not to push myself too hard...but not just shut down entirely. I have to make sure not to overdo on exercise but I cannot stop exercising as it is supposed to help me heal. If only the boundaries between enough to help and overdoing would stop moving. They're not moving in the same direction every time and the repercussions are different each time. Walked to the mailbox and back? Consistently too much but aggravates different symptoms and issues each time. Sometime it means a night long migraine. Sometimes it means insomnia and RLS symptoms I can even sit through, never mind sleep through. I am trying to let go of some tasks and let hubby take things on but he's not superhuman and he's got more on his plate with us than he's had in years. He misses things. Not because he's not trying but because he just can't keep track of everything. Laundry has piled up. The only reason a load got done in the last two weeks was that the 14 year old is stressing about how much everyone is taking on and this is one of the chores she has consistently stepped up and helped with for years. With high school starting though, even she's been slipping there. I'm determined to get the load I'm rewashing because I forgot to transfer it after last night's school sports meeting INTO THE DRYER TODAY.
Stupid meetings. I have to make sure I don't get overstimulated but hubby has super-sensitive hearing and cannot separate sounds so meetings at the school he can attend but can't get anything out of. I have to be there for us to get any information out of them.
With me unable to drive, that means he has to drive me, which means no one to drive my kiddo home. Twice this week, she's gotten out of practice only to grab some dinner in town and go right back to the school for a meeting. She's overloaded from trying to do her homework in the hall after a quick, on-the-go meal without the usual option to ask for help. He's overloaded from the excessive sound but can't leave me solo in case I get overloaded and cannot communicate. Too much stimulation for me = stuttering, aphasia, intense headache and that fragile, wobbly feeling. I'm overloaded because I'm the only one who can take this on and I'm not up to it.
I have to keep trying to read and do brain games in small amounts to help my brain heal but those boundaries keep moving there too. One day I can read a paragraph but cannot retain it but the symptoms don't get worse if I only try one or two a day. The next day re-reading one page of a comic book I've read hundreds of times sets off a migraine and shuts the cognitive functions down. A friend in one of my concussion support groups calls it "a charlie horse in the brain."

Hubby and kid are 2 hour's drive away right now. Hubby is stressed because he can't fully medicate for his connective tissue pain because it would make driving unsafe and kiddo has to get to the game. He's also stressed because he's 2 hour's away if something happens with me. He no longer has a cell phone so, to ease his mind, I made sure he had mine so leaving me solo was not as huge a stress. We're working on arranging rides for her for future away games but this is only the second game and we are just now getting to meet the other parents and find out who's approved to drive. I'm home. After two mandatory meetings with a whole lot of sound, movement, and harsh light (I had to keep taking breaks outside where it was calmer) and their first home game in between, I am in a recovery day. During the meeting last night, there was so much echoing noise (3 mini meetings going on in the same gym at the same time) I had to go outside. Ended up walking heel to toe, at a snail's pace, on a line of tiles to feel less wobbly.
Today, I woke late with a migraine and nothing has calmed it. My eyes are always wonky but they're worse today. Reading is a little better today but I'm still not retaining anything. Writing isn't happening. So thankful I can still touch type. I don't have to think it out or read it as I'm doing it.
My whole body is stiff and sore. I woke up exhausted and I still am even though I've done so very little.

As I said, mainly a check in and take stock kind of blog. Not so much complaining as a "this is where I am today" thing. There are positives. I swear. The kid was great in her first high school game and she hasn't played sports in a couple of years! She's making deliberate efforts to be more responsible - setting reminders for herself for her homework, making sure to tell me sooner when she's low on or out of something and needs us to go get more, rolling with whatever our scheduling and transportation problems bring up without complaining. Husband and I are having better conversations than we've had in a while. He knows I'm desperate to talk about anything but my health just to make it not the only thing I think about (so hard when THINKING is what it affects most) and makes a point to tell me when I've been more coherent and/or when I've helped him sort something out he's been struggling with. Oh, and there's always my Mona. She's snoring next to me but will wake up in a heartbeat if her episode of Scooby Doo ends. Her paws need some balm from stubbornly walking on hot pavement when I'm calling her onto the grass and her claws could use a trim but she's snuggled up against me, encouraging me to rest and making me feel cared for and looked after. This ride has a long way left to go but I'm never alone.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IMPROVINGME
    Awwww... Great picture of sweet Mona right there at your side!
    emoticon
    159 days ago
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