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Why do i do this????

Friday, September 13, 2019

I am going to write this blog, but right this moment i don't know if I am going to post it. If you are reading it, well, I decided to go ahead and let others see it.

It is currently 5:08 am on the east coast of USA. I am in pain from eating. the thing is, sometimes, even if I just eat a little bit, it causes pain, the doctors are looking into this. Right now though, that's not what is going on. Since 10:30 pm last night I have eaten 4 times. Two ham and cheese loaf sandwiches, half a box of candy, two boiled eggs, and a chicken strip TV dinner. The last several days have been just as bad. Part of the problem is that I can't stand to see food go to waste. You see, I don't bring this up often, but we are quite poor. (I wouldn’t tell such personal information, but we are basically anonymous on here so…. We get food stamps, but only $90. So we go to a food pantry once a month and they give you a big box of canned food, frozen meats, snacks and sweets. You get to pick your veggies off of big tables. I usually get lots of green peppers. (they had free packs of frozen chicken feet on the table last month, I got a pack – we DID throw those away,) The issue is the snacks and sweets. Most of the time, I don't even want them. But I feel I must eat them as they were given to us. My husband eats some of them, but I eat most. If I had any sense, I would portion these out over a month. I cannot do this, they all must be gone as quickly as possible. (for one thing, they are already out of date and will go bad soon.) (You can not ask for these not to be included, they don’t take special orders, they help too many people to try to do that.)

We have discussed just throwing this stuff away when we get home, but I have been unable to bring myself to do it. They are all gone now, for this month. We got them Tuesday! What also doesn’t help is my mother in law. She is an odd person and does not appreciate anything that is done for her. We get her groceries at Walmart using their pickup service. She asked for a pack of ham and cheese loaf. We ordered it for her. She ate one piece and said it made her sick and had to be rotten because store employees would certainly not pick good, fresh items for people, her friend told her this I guess. So, what does she do with it? Sends it to us to eat! Shows what kind of person she is I think, she thinks it is rotten but thinks her son and daughter in law should eat it! So now we have a big pack of ham and cheese loaf, which by the way is delicious and fresh and has a sell by date for November 20th! Next issue from her is that she gets free meals brought to her by the commission on aging. She won’t eat most of these either. They are really good TV dinners and a tiny jug of milk. Again, picky, she says most of them taste bad, There is only one or two kinds she will eat, the rest – you guessed it – comes home to us. We usually eat these as we bring them home, but forgot we had some and they will go bad in 1 or 2 more days so I must eat them before they go bad. I cannot let them go to waste. Oh, and the eggs, well, I ask hubby to keep me in those, but I hadn’t eaten any in a couple of days because of all the other food. Can’t let those eggs go to waste now can we.

We can’t NOT get the food pantry food, it is important to us, we get one box per month. I just can’t stand to see the food from my mother in law go to waste either. Sometimes I do binge at other times of the month but not nearly as often. Although my husband says I eat every two hours, this is usually a big fight between us. (don’t get me wrong, he is Awesome in SO many ways but does NOT understand my emotional eating, never has, probably never will. Thinks I should just be able to not eat.)

I’m at a loss as to how to control this. I am so ashamed of myself for eating like this. I have actually had counseling in the past for this but I simply cannot bring myself to go through that again.

I’m not really sure what I expect from writing this, maybe I just need to admit it all to myself. Maybe you great folks can help me with some ideas, or just moral support. Maybe I’ll show it to my husband, maybe that will help, I don’t know.


If you made it this far, I appreciate it. It is now 5:59 am. I think I will go ahead and post this and maybe try to get some sleep.

Hugs to all

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LIVINGLOVINLIFE
    Kat, I have started this comment and erased it 5-6 times. I am a carb addict. I am drawn to the wrong sweets, breads and starches. I have no control when it comes to portions. I see it, I start eating it and I eat until the food is gone. I battle this every day. We make choices, I have excuses you have excuses. It comes down to No!!! Situations yes we have situations, don't want to be in it but we are. We change it if we can, but come on usually we can not or will not. So we eat or we don't. Me I eat. I say no on a good day. But on most days well you know what happens. I have no answers, but I am here, fighting the battle. we have been on here a long time. You have my support, my prayers and my ear. Hugs maybe we can beat this.
    82 days ago
  • KALISWALKER
    The Overeaters words are 'one day at a time'.
    86 days ago
  • IDICEM
    Talking it out here can be a good sounding board. Keep working on finding your solution.
    86 days ago
  • DMILLER33
    My mom gets the community meals too. We freeze them if she isn't going to eat them right away. She eats hers though. I would say for most things cut in portions and freeze.
    I grew up waste not, want not--probably why I am this way. But I have gotten better over the years at freezing things if not eaten and it does come in handy when I am hungry and don't want to cook.
    87 days ago
  • MORTICIAADDAMS
    As a nurse I found that this was a common problem for people who didn't always have the means to have access to healthy food. It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I don't believe in wasting food either. I wish people had the ability to trade food like you mentioned for healthy food. I wish places that donated food gave healthy food. Almost everyone I know who goes to food banks feels just like you do. I do think that portioning and freezing may be the answer. Big hug to you and I am sending a prayer too.
    88 days ago
  • PROVERBS31JULIA
    Oh I feel for you... I had grandparents on both sides of the family who were troubled by the Great Depression and then WWII, and my in-laws were also from that era (My husband's dad and my granddad were both born 1905, and my husband's mom was almost 20 years younger...)...so we sometimes call ourselves Third Generation Depression Survivors, all of us in Oklahoma... Then my folks were essentially self-employed but this was back in the days before good education for entrapreneurs started becoming available, so we always had "rich seasons" and "poor seasons. We were on the Free lunch program and I also ended up being on welfare myself for awhile as a college student after my divorce. So I totally hear you and like everyone else has said, there's no shame in being poor.

    I also struggle with that whole eat the junk food just to get it out of the house. For awhile there was a Neighborhood Free Food box and I don't know why they took it down. For awhile I got foods from Prairie Foods something or another - Heartland Food? I forget, it's basically a food pantry once a month and there was a small fee plus the requirement that people volunteer to the community in some way - even if all they could do was dedicate themselves to pray X-Y-Z amount of time a day or a week or whatever. We had the additional issue of what to do with the pork items because I always kept kosher... and at some point I had some pork not realizing it was pork, and discovered that it caused stomach issues. Also, over time, I found out that a lot of my tummy problems were from eating foods containing soybeans, soy derivatives, soy protein/lecithin soy this soy that... just did NOT play nice with my food.... very inflammatory, I learned later.

    So sometimes...I would trade or just give the pork items and the too sweet items to a neighbor who didn't care what they ate.

    There have been times when I just made myself throw really bad junk food (sugar, soy, white flours, saturated fats etc) in the trash - especially when I happen to remember some of Drew Carey's quotes:

    "Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment."

    ― Drew Carey

    So just hang in there... don't feel guilty about giving away or throwing away food that you know is not good for you. The blame for that are the people throwing out their junk food to "donate to charity" when they themselves won't eat it, and the Pantries, of course, are caught between a rock and a hard spot, having to "accept" the donations even when they also know it's not healthy for anyone, regardless of their weight.
    89 days ago
  • LILYGRACE4
    It's too bad they include snacks and sweets in your boxes. It would be so nice if they gave you things like canned goods that would last longer. Maybe take all of those things out and ask others if they want them. If you don't have it at home, you won't be tempted to eat it. There are some really cool Youtube channels that show how to shop cheap. One lady does challenges on how much she can get with the $25 or less. They may be of some help. They usually buy meat, vegetables, bread or rice for pretty cheap. It may require you to shop around if you have different stores nearby. If your MIL gives you food that you know will be a problem for you, give it away to someone else. Do you remember the game Hot Potato? Girl, pass that food on down the line. emoticon Don't have things around you that you know will be a trigger for you. Our team just completed a book on renewing our mind and that one was really helpful. We are currently working through another book that is intense but is seriously a great book and it is on Emotional Eating. The book covers are on the team photos. Your library may have them available. Pray. Pray all the time. Pray when you want to eat. Journal when you want to eat. Do you have a timer? When you find yourself wanting to eat, set the timer for 15 minutes and do something to keep yourself busy, even if you have to leave the house for a walk. Give yourself some time to see if the mood to eat passes. I'm glad you were able to share your situation. You aren't alone in your journey. Set a "boundary" with yourself. No eating or going in the kitchen except for certain times of the day. Make a promise with yourself to stay out of the kitchen before or after your set times. Sometimes if you play around with some different methods, you may find some things work better than others. The enemy would have you believe that it's impossible but we know that all things are possible with Christ because He helps us! Praying for ideas, resolutions, and peace over every situation. We have a loving Heavenly Father who will help but we need to do our part too. emoticon
    90 days ago
  • DUKEFAN86
    Oh, brave and smart one! You’re an inspiration! Thanks for sharing.
    90 days ago
  • TWEETYKC00
    I'm so glad you are here and trying to work this out. There are so many issues to deal with in life and emotional eating can be hard to tackle. Old habits like saying no to food or not ever wanting to waste anything are things to battle, but you can overcome!
    90 days ago
  • NASFKAB
    You are so brave being so open about your circumstances. It is hard I know but you might freeze some of the food. You can also donate some of the candy I think. All the best.
    90 days ago
  • JOYBELL47
    I'm sure this is hard for you to believe - but you have made one huge step for yourself by admitting the truth, sometimes it takes years for us to be able to do this . We have to face the truth before we can do anything about it..

    As far as you saying, you are poor, that is truly nothing too be ashamed of .. I grew up in Oklahoma, and I had a great life - and we didn't have much money either, but it did not keep me from loving my life ! I think that is one of God's greatest blessings He could have given me because it taught me how to much with so little money !

    Psalm 37:16-17 (NLT) " It is better to be godly and have little than to be evil and rich. For the strength of the wicked will be shattered, but the Lord take care of the godly. "


    As for the food you get that you end up sabotaging yourself with - remember you have choices.. Do you have a rest home close by where you could donate some of the things that are not great to have around ? Just a thought..


    We are going to have a special thread on " Emotional Eating" at " Women Weight Warriors of God", in fact I have been working on it all morning ( I believe this is a "Godincidence" ! ) I will be posting it this morning ...

    Most of us that are on this weight loss journey have had or still have issues with emotional eating.. and you know what God knows this about us and loves us just the same.. after we have a bout with overeating, we are ashamed, feeling defeated, and so ready to just give up - yes we all feel the same way, however I am telling you that you are still a Child of God - Your heavenly Father is the King of Kings - So that makes you a "Princess" - You are royalty - God loves you with an everlasting love ! - He wants to help all of us be overcomers and He is always there to help us if we invite Him on our weight loss journey - He always does His part - we just have to Trust Him - and ALWAYS DO OUR PART !

    This usually doesn't happen overnight - but taking one small step at a time, you can have victory through Jesus !

    I am praying for you and I know the Lord is going to help you !

    Hugs and Prayers,
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    90 days ago
  • SNUZYQ2
    You can add me to your long list of dedicated friends who are truly rooting for you. I've heard so many good things about O.A. Just keep trying and keep on Sparking. You'll get through this. You are worth every bit of the effort you must put into this fight. You can do this!! emoticon emoticon
    90 days ago
  • STEPHLOKI
    Thanks for sharing. I have also had nightly snack attacks. But am proud that I have learned not to eat left over "so they don't go bad". Can you freeze some of the things? Can you give the sweets away? When urge to eating comes try going for a walk
    91 days ago
  • JAMER123
    Thank you for taking the time and effort to share your story and feelings. That can be step one and as you see there are many people that are so willing to help. I have been there too. You are not alone. I have learned that when things are given to you, take them and assess them as to whether they can be prepared and frozen. You would be surprised at how many things freeze well.

    I grew up on a farm and we had our own food supply. It's the only reason we were able to eat. One thing is that eggs don't go bad on the date on the carton. That date is for the grocer to remove them from the shelf. We can keep eggs in the refrigerator for a few weeks past that date. You can test each egg by putting it a cup of cold water. If it sinks, it's good. If it floats, throw it out. These thoughts can also save you lots of money and waste of food that you may want to put on the "waist" (Love that quote!!)
    91 days ago
  • LIVINTODAY
    Kat, there is certainly no shame to be in your situation. It is hard and for anyone who has been truly hungry, it can be impossible to throw away food. Isn't there someone you can pass some of this excess on to.

    It helped me years ago to simply think:
    "If I a refuse to waste food by throwing or giving it away; then I "waist" it."

    Not that I didn't still struggle but I did find ways to cut down on the food I bring into the house. Share it with others when you can. There is probably a soup kitchen in your community that provides food every day to people who have even less than you. Pass on that good food. Many homeless people actually need the extra calories in the sweets and snacks that you don't really want to eat. Living on the street is hard. Organizations or churches that help the homeless could probably put those foods to good use.

    My skinny husband needs all the calories he can get since cancer surgery on his esophagus and stomach..I keep a drawer full of stuff for him that I simply should not have. It took awhile but now I leave that drawer alone!

    You can find a way around this problem. I agree that OA is a good organization ; so is Sparkpeople. I think you should be proud of the efforts that you have made even with all the food coming into your house.

    You recognize the problem and the issues that contribute to it. You WILL succeed!!!
    91 days ago
  • JRDUPREE
    When you are in need of food and have food given to you I understand why you would not want to waste anything. However if your truly do not want the food at the house when you pick up the box maybe you could donate it to someone else getting their food ~ I am sure a family with children would appreciate the additional snacks. As for your mom's food that is harder to deal with donating as it is more of a meal.
    I read your update on the feed and congrats on tossing something you did not like and only ate because it was in front of you - emoticon
    91 days ago
  • LIVINHEALTHY9
    I know it was difficult for you to share something so personal.
    It doesn't help that your MIL isn't the easiest person to deal with and your husband isn't as supportive as he could be. Don't let that deter you. You stay strong and keep fighting!

    There is some good advice posted here from other members. I hope it's helpful for you.
    We are here for you.

    emoticon


    91 days ago
  • SPEDED2
    SPARKER-LADY has such excellent ideas. The dollar stores carry many healthy items that will stretch your money. OA is an excellent organization and you'll find ideas and support there. OA saved my life many years ago and I cannot say enough good things about it.

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    91 days ago
  • KATHYJO56
    I know how hard this must have been for you to post. You took a huge step in the right direction and I am very PROUD of you for doing it. I hope your Dr. is able to help you and refer you to the right people who can really get to the heart of your problem with food and also might be able to help you in other areas of your life. emoticon
    91 days ago
  • LINDA!
    Thank you for your honesty. It took a long time with Spark to realize that we can be direct. Many of us go through the same things. While I can afford food, I try to save money when I can. I was also raised to eat everything on my plate. If I have snacks and sweet carbs in the house, I try NOT to eat them. However, I am not always successful. If I feel hungry I may go grab a snack just to eat something. I am learning to be very careful and avoid snacks. There are times that we will have them in our house. Those a trigger for me. As others suggested, try to avoid snacks. If there is a snack that you are not fond of, buy that item. You may not be as tempted to eat it. Keep pushing. It certainly is not easy. But I am cheering you on.
    91 days ago
  • no profile photo SPARKER-LADY
    A 99 cent store recently opened near us. Boy, does it save us money on groceries. They have fresh fruits and vegetables and frozen and canned food. They had organic canned beans for 99 cents each. I bought those and made a chili with those canned beans, tomatoes, onions, chili spice packet, all bought at that store. Enough for several meals and healthy. They also sell fresh salmon sometimes and hamburger meat. I buy their Romain lettuce for 99 cents for three in a package. Regular market over 5 dollars.i saw a sign that they take food stamps. Your 90 dollars can keep you eating healthy for the month. They have all the summer fruits and tons of different vegetables. The

    Happy you posted this. Getting out your deepest thoughts is healing. We all struggle with something. I respect your bravery. I would highly recommend joining OA, (Overeaters Anonymous). Go in person and get a sponsor. Someone you can call when you are feeling a binge coming on. It is free and you will hear other people’s stories and meet many that have your same struggles and many who conquered them.
    Wishing you the best!


    91 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/13/2019 1:59:33 PM
  • NEW_CATS_MEOW
    I've also needed servvices from the city/state, this is nothing to feel bad about. I can relate to having food in the house and feeling like it needs to disappear as fast as possible and not waste anything.

    Between your mom and hubby, sounds like you could work on setting boundaries with people. I've had to work on this both in and out of therapy. Journaing about how I envision setting boundaries has helped more than anything. Setting boundaries with others helps us learn how to set and enforce boundaries with ourselves.

    Hope you got some good sleep.
    emoticon

    P.S. Not sure if you'd be willing to try if you end up with odd animal parts again, but you can make broth from bones/feet.
    91 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/13/2019 1:53:08 PM
  • RAZZOOZLE
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    91 days ago
  • DISCOVERING_VAL
    As a person of Appalachia I can relate to this I grew up much the same way there's no shame in being poor as this is a majority of Appalachia. Maybe the biggest challenge is letting go of the need to consume higher-calorie high carb foods instead of letting them go to waste. It's always been a constant struggle for me to refuse foods which were not the best choice. So I can relate to your story on many levels. I constantly struggle with food choices and this past week I have considered going lower carb however in order to do this requires some harsh choices, maybe choices that cannot be done within a strict food budget. Dominantly I have considered that a majority of poor people usually are on high carb diets out of necessity to feed their family. While I am myself on such a diet it still is possible to lose weight but it is a constant struggle and I know that you can do this. Temptations are all around us everywhere we look and it's very hard to put those in perspective I know for myself that this past year I have struggled more then any other time but I also put my faith and God and know that he is walking with me to. Don't lose heart we've all been there and I know you're capable and strong and can do this I have faith in you.
    91 days ago
  • MARUKI52
    I was a WW2 child and was brought up to eat everything on my plate and not to waste anything. I've grappled with this for many years it is so ingrained in me. In fact I remember having to sit at table and not being allowed down until I had eaten all on my plate. If I still refused then I was told I would get it for tea (in the evening) and then if I still didn't eat it I would get it for breakfast. Little did my parents know just what they were instilling in me when I was so young and it is a thing that I still battle with to this day. However over the years I have been able to start saying no when food is offered or when I have a day when I can "tune in" to what my stomach is saying rather than my conditioning and can happily leave food on my plate and not feel bad about it. It's taken a long time and I've had many a slip up and probably will have many more but I am getting better at it these days. It does take time and effort and I can appreciate how hard it can be when temptation is there right under your nose but it is possible to turn it around eventually. Just keep on trying, don't give up because you are worth the effort. emoticon
    91 days ago
  • SHMOOKITTY
    I just want you to know that I hear you and I support you. It's wonderful that you opened up here in your blog so we can offer you good support and encouragement.

    On the Women Weight Warriors of God group, we have a thread for a Bible study about emotional eating. The book is called Freedom from Emotional Eating by Barb Raveling, and the thread is under the Accountability section. You may have to click "See more topics" to find it. People are at various stages of the study and are posting their journaling and thoughts. It's really helped some people. If you can't afford the book, you can try reading some of what others have written to see if you find anything helpful. There's 104 posts, but you can scan to pick up ideas. Lots of good information there. Just thought it might be something you would be interested in.

    emoticon
    91 days ago
  • DLDDLD
    I am very fortunate in that I don't have to worry about the cost of food but I too absolutely HATE throwing it away. My family on the other hand would prefer not to eat leftovers (although I cook the things they enjoy) so it's often left to me. Those leftovers are not what I would consider to be my optimal "diet" food but either I eat them or throw them out. Some of the grocery stores in my area have boxes near the entrance where non-perishable food items can be donated. Obviously this won't work with much of the food that you are gifted but maybe some of the snacks? I truly hope you find a way to deal with this awful situation and wish you the best.
    91 days ago
  • JEMADE
    I can hear your pain in your writing. I think on some level most people here can relate to overeating and/or not letting food go to waste. You are definitely not alone, and it's good you reached out to us. Is there another family that you could pass the treats on to? I think @HMBROWN1 had a great idea of making the food into soup or a casserole, or simply freezing it for use later when the cupboards are almost empty. Most food freezes quite well. Sending you a hug and hope you feel better soon.
    91 days ago
  • REDWHALEY
    You are so brave. Don't let your circumstances bring you down. I have a full-time job and can barely keep my cupboards stocked. You're in the right place being on SP, you just need to find your motivation. Maybe finding a support group in the message boards can help you. Sometimes just finding someone that is going through a similar situation can help, so you don't feel alone. We're all here for you. Good luck on your journey.
    91 days ago
  • HMBROWN1
    Well congrats for being so open and honest, that must have been tough. I would have suggested some type of counselling but you don't want to go through that again - perhaps you just had the wrong counselor before? If possible, can you take some of the food and make it into a casserole or soup? Then only eat some now and freeze the rest to eat later? Out of sight - out of mind? Tell your hubby that you have an addiction and it is EXTREMELY difficult to control and you are trying your best. I am fortunate that my hubby is (usually) my biggest supporter.

    PS - I would give the candy and junk to hubby right away or give it to a friend - just get it out of the house as soon as possible.
    91 days ago
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