Can I call it
when I've done this about a gazillion times? Well...it's my blog, so I suppose I can call it anything I want, right?
Let me start by saying I feel like a big fat fraud every time I start over...like those of you reading this who have seen me do this over and over will be thinking, "Yeah, right, for how long this time Amy Jo?", but the reality is that I know I am judging myself far more harshly than any of you ever have or ever will.
The important thing is, that I am here, which means I am not dead and I have not given up, so it is not too late! Having recently heard of someone from my high school class dying of a sudden heart attack certainly gets my attention. I didn't know her, and don't know what health or lifestyle factors may have contributed to her fate, but be that as it may, she had been walking around the planet the same number of years as I have, and I have put undue stress on my heart and other organs by carrying around a lot of excess weight for a lot of those years. It's a wake-up call.
Besides that I hurt. I hurt physically with knee issues, shoulder problems, pain in my feet, I get out of breath easily, I don't sleep well, I have sleep apnea and have to wear a CPAP, I have GERD, I have OAB (TMI, I know, but it IS related to my weight). I'm not comfortable in most of my clothes, and the ones that I am comfortable in physically I feel unattractive in, so I feel have to choose between looking good and feeling good...physically anyway. I rarely feel good emotionally lately. I am ashamed of my weight, embarrassed to eat in front of anyone, self-conscious when shopping for clothing or meeting anyone new.
I've been attempting to date a little bit as my last relationship ended (my decision) about a year ago, and I am appalled at the way some of the men I've met have behaved. They may just be jerks, but I can't help thinking that they may be acting that way because they think it's ok, because I'm fat. Society seems to think it's OK to treat fat people like they are "less than". I haven't felt lonely in a very long time, and now it seems to be closing in around me for some reason. Maybe its the approaching holidays. Maybe its the recent family gatherings where I was once again the only single person there. Maybe its because one of my closest friends is on the verge of getting engaged (her boyfriend has asked her what size ring she wears). Whatever the cause, I am feeling lonely and the weight makes it really hard to date. I've tried to "put myself out there" in spite of my size, and let's just say it hasn't gone well.
I am typically a relatively happy person, but lately I feel depressed, and I know this is mostly due to the fact that I haven't been taking care of myself. When I eat too much crap, I feel...well...crappy. It's a garbage in-garbage out kind of thing. If I eat too much and the wrong things, I feel tired, cranky, bloated, ashamed, I get acid reflux, I don't sleep well, and I just feel out of control.
Experience has taught me that I don't have to lose weight to feel better, I have to take steps to feel better, and the weight loss will be a side effect of that! What actually makes me feel better is to feed my body right, to get some exercise and release those endorphins, that the combination of healthy eating and exercise will also help me sleep better, which makes a tremendous difference! I know that when I eat right and exercise I feel proud of that and the guilt and shame fade away, I start to feel a sense of self-control.
For those of you who have yo-yoed up and down as I have...and let's face it, that's MOST of us...you can be a certain weight multiple times, and if you have lost weight to get there it feels GOOD but if you have gained weight to hit that SAME NUMBER ON THE SCALE you feel terrible? IT'S NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT! The weight is a SIDE EFFECT of everything else.
SO...it almost seems counter-productive to set a weight goal. Sometimes I think I get so focused on whether or not the scale is moving that I lose sight of the fact that its not even ABOUT that number, its about how being that weight makes me FEEL, how taking care of myself makes me feel. I HAVE a weight goal, and putting it in the weight tracking page will help SparkPeople set my calorie range, but I need to put more of my focus on hitting the goals I set to take care of myself.
I have decided that instead of waiting til I lose X number of pounds to reward myself, I'll set up rewards based on goals I set to take care of myself. Maybe throw a dollar in a jar for every day I track all my food and stay in range and when I've got enough in there for a massage, go get one, no matter what my scale reads.
Maybe I will look a few months out on the calendar and see if there's a concert I want to attend and for every hour of fitness minutes I log I will toss some money in another jar and buy myself some tickets when there's enough in that jar. That will require me to earn enough for the tickets in a set time frame and hopefully provide some incentive to get myself moving!
Meanwhile I plan to blog every so often and post photos. Here are 2 face photos I took today...this is one place I notice weight loss most dramatically and fairly quickly. I will take new face photos once a month and post some comparison shots.
Tonight I will take some "body shots" and measurements. I'll share the photos and log the measurements for my own reference.
Yes, I'll want to share "scale victories" too, but I need to put more focus on those NSV's and let the weight take care of itself!
Thanks for your support as always!