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The Binge Monster

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Deep inside me, there lives a monster. He's been there for as long as I can remember, definitely since I was a teenager. He is a part of me, and I am part of him.

This monster takes over when my emotions start to kick in. Primarily, stress, anger, and frustration. These are my "big three" emotions that I have trouble dealing with, and when I experience them, the binge monster steps in, and promises he can make these emotions better with food. Sweet food. Salty food. Greasy food. Preferably, a combination of all three.

So the binge starts. Without my even realizing it. I eat one thing off plan. But it's not enough. I eat another, and another, and another... and before I know it, I've become the binge monster, and I cannot stop shoveling the food in my face. At some point, I don't even taste it anymore. The comfort comes from the chewing. From defying myself. From becoming numb.

So my feelings of frustration, anger, and stress change. They change to guilt.

I look at the wrappers. I feel my stomach raging. I'm feeling guilty. This is an easier feeling to deal with than anger. It is easier to hate myself than to focus on what made me angry in the first place. It is easier to feel guilty than to feel frustrated about work, or my husband's health, or my mother's health, or my own health. It's easier to feel guilty than to feel stressed. Numbness is better than anxiety.

But the guilt leads to depression. And then depression leaves me in this state of lack of caring. It's easier not to care. It's easier than all of it. My life as a whole becomes numb, and the binges become a flicker of excitement. It breaks up the monotony. I start to plan my binges when the stress comes. When I'm frustrated at work during the week, I plan for my Friday to be light, and fun, and full of crappy food.

It's a cycle.

I've broken it before. I didn't binge for an entire year. As a result, I lost 80 lbs. I put my binge monster to sleep for an entire year! What an accomplishment! But, he didn't die. Why? Because while I was focused on walking, getting my steps, tracking my food, seeing the results, having power in saying no... he slept, yes, but he wasn't dealt with.

I never got to the bottom of why I allow him so much power in the first place. Why do I allow him to step in when things get difficult? Why didn't he step in for a year, and then all of a sudden he was back. At first, just here and there, but now on a weekly basis. Usually more than once a week.

This is my focus for now. I have to figure out why I allow this monster to have control of me. What am I missing in my psyche that allows him to take over? How can I combat him? What can I do when I feel him trying to step in?

This is where I am. I need to sort through this before I can truly move forward, This is part of my healing process. I plan to explore this over a few blogs, so bear with me as I work through this very difficult part of myself.

I know I want to be healthy. I know I want to be successful. But first, I must face my monster.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sounds familiar - I will be reading along to see if your thoughts and any insights you find can help me tame or kill mine, too.
    62 days ago
    "Numbness is better than anxiety. " That sums up my life.
    I always refer to it as the conjoined twin that lives in my head and needs to be fed.
    I wish she would die off.
    66 days ago
    Realizing you have a monster and knowing what you already know about how it reacts is great! We all have monsters, some of us hide while others confront. I look forward to your next blog and get some insight into my own monster.
    67 days ago
    So sorry. You need to find out why you are binging. Maybe write your feelings down and when it happens. One day at a time. You can do it!!!
    67 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    Sorry to hear this but its scary how we feel we can't do anything about this feeling we have of something taking us over isn't it! I have a similar monster some times. Good luck! emoticon emoticon
    67 days ago
    I found great comfort in the writings of Geneen Roth years ago - you'd think I could quote some of her passages about "the binge monster" by heart? Truth hurts, I guess - but what I recall is one woman's recollection that this interior bad voice just wanted her to EAT, it didn't care if she weighed 300 lbs, it was insatiable & didn't care if she was incapacitated or dead...
    67 days ago
    I have Addi. My binge encourager. I write a lot. I just see what comes up. It has really helped me identify and deal with my thoughts and feelings. Thankfully Addi is learning with me to write before binging.
    67 days ago
    Wow, it's like reading my own story. I also have a "monster" who takes over. Right now I'm coming off a huge binge that left me 13 pounds heavier. Good luck to us both. May we reign it in.
    67 days ago
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