The Binge Monster
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Deep inside me, there lives a monster. He's been there for as long as I can remember, definitely since I was a teenager. He is a part of me, and I am part of him.
This monster takes over when my emotions start to kick in. Primarily, stress, anger, and frustration. These are my "big three" emotions that I have trouble dealing with, and when I experience them, the binge monster steps in, and promises he can make these emotions better with food. Sweet food. Salty food. Greasy food. Preferably, a combination of all three.
So the binge starts. Without my even realizing it. I eat one thing off plan. But it's not enough. I eat another, and another, and another... and before I know it, I've become the binge monster, and I cannot stop shoveling the food in my face. At some point, I don't even taste it anymore. The comfort comes from the chewing. From defying myself. From becoming numb.
So my feelings of frustration, anger, and stress change. They change to guilt.
I look at the wrappers. I feel my stomach raging. I'm feeling guilty. This is an easier feeling to deal with than anger. It is easier to hate myself than to focus on what made me angry in the first place. It is easier to feel guilty than to feel frustrated about work, or my husband's health, or my mother's health, or my own health. It's easier to feel guilty than to feel stressed. Numbness is better than anxiety.
But the guilt leads to depression. And then depression leaves me in this state of lack of caring. It's easier not to care. It's easier than all of it. My life as a whole becomes numb, and the binges become a flicker of excitement. It breaks up the monotony. I start to plan my binges when the stress comes. When I'm frustrated at work during the week, I plan for my Friday to be light, and fun, and full of crappy food.
It's a cycle.
I've broken it before. I didn't binge for an entire year. As a result, I lost 80 lbs. I put my binge monster to sleep for an entire year! What an accomplishment! But, he didn't die. Why? Because while I was focused on walking, getting my steps, tracking my food, seeing the results, having power in saying no... he slept, yes, but he wasn't dealt with.
I never got to the bottom of why I allow him so much power in the first place. Why do I allow him to step in when things get difficult? Why didn't he step in for a year, and then all of a sudden he was back. At first, just here and there, but now on a weekly basis. Usually more than once a week.
This is my focus for now. I have to figure out why I allow this monster to have control of me. What am I missing in my psyche that allows him to take over? How can I combat him? What can I do when I feel him trying to step in?
This is where I am. I need to sort through this before I can truly move forward, This is part of my healing process. I plan to explore this over a few blogs, so bear with me as I work through this very difficult part of myself.
I know I want to be healthy. I know I want to be successful. But first, I must face my monster.