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Finding me in 2020 at 50

Wednesday, January 01, 2020

I found this image on pinterest and was blown away at how it suits me to a T. Some of you have been Spark friends for over a decade. Many of you know most of my story. However, for new friends and those I've lost touch with, here's the summary:

2017--Changed me. I took a ladies' Bible study on a book called Life's Healing Choices and Making Peace With Your Past. It was a revelation for me as I learned so much about dysfunctional families and why I am the way I am. God did some amazing healing in my life in 2017 as I learned who I am in Christ.

2018--Broke me. When we start to get healthier mentally and spiritually, we have a very real enemy who wants to prevent that from happening. My marriage had already been struggling for a couple of years at that point. It hit rock bottom as my husband told me to go "flippin kill" myself when I was already suicidal. He refused to take me to the help I so desperately needed so I checked myself into the mental hospital for help. I learned so much during my three days there about codependency and the importance of taking care of our mental health. The most important lesson I learned while there was that God was with me! Every single step of the way. My husband and brother had turned their back on me, but God would never leave me.

2019--Opened my eyes. I finally and fully realized that my husband was not going to change. I've learned so much about narcissism and gas-lighting. He has been manipulative and mentally abusive for years. But until I received the lessons, therapy, and healing, I was stuck in dysfunction that I didn't even recognize. However, the more I learned and had an opinion of my own, the more he turned his back on me. He even went so far as to say he liked the old me better. He filed for divorce in September, but refused to leave the house. He has a lawyer that is known for fighting dirty and he is trying to take my house, my kids, and my money by making me out to look unstable. Unfortunately, neither he nor his lawyer are willing to settle so we are stuck in the same house until the temporary hearing in March. Which brings me to 2020...

2020--I'm coming back. I'm discovering who I really am. What I want. What I need. I'm dreaming big as I look forward to being free of so much mess. I am dreaming big as I am excited about getting out on my own. I have spent so much of my life trying to please everyone that I am now learning what I actually like and don't like without being influenced by others. I turned 50 in November of 2019. My therapist and I have laughed several times about me finding who I really am at 50. I'm enjoying the ride! I'm going to focus on me this year. A healthier me mentally, physically, and spiritually.

So here I am Spark People. emoticon I am back! I look forward to journeying into this new year and new decade with you. emoticon Here's to a healthy and happy new year!
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