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Reflections of the Past and on the Future

Wednesday, January 01, 2020

Well, as most of you know, this has been a pretty truamatic year for me. Losing my beloved husband of over 50 years last March made the rest of this past year pretty unbearable. Overcome by grief, I struggled to get through each day. And special occasions, like his birthday, our anniversary, and the holidays were even worse.

I have 4 wonderful children and their spouses and my seven adorable grandchildren who did everything they could to help me survive. But they, too, were mourning the loss of their father and wonderful grandpa. There were days when I just wanted to leave this world too.

Doing this time of grieving, my appetite dropped to zero. I had to force myself to eat - which I did because I knew I had to do for my health. But the portions I ate were very small. And I could not eat in the mornings.....so most of my meals were between 12:30 PM and 7:00 PM. I still would jog some mornings, and ran 3 5K's, as I usually did in previous years.....and I lost over 20 pounds.

I truly believe the smaller portions and the longer periods of going without food were the cause of the weight loss because my exercise habits did not change. I did start going to yoga classes 3 times a week instead of working out on the free weights. I tried to do the weight room exercises, but it was too emotionally taxing on me as my darling husband and I used to do them together and he would help me. I just missed him too much in that venue.

But here is the thing I want to share with you all - I would take that 20 pounds back in a nanosecond if I could only have my husband back. Dropping from a size 8 to a size 2 means nothing to me now, except that none of my clothes fit me. Yes, I mean that. I realize now how unimportant somethings are in life compared with the major things. My grief is so an intense because I loved him so much. He loved me the way I was, even though I wanted to lose 10 or 15 pounds. My victory over weight loss is insignificant in comparison to what I lost in love.

So here it is 2020 - a new year, and a new decade. My only resolution is to try to live this new year along side of my grief, not in my grief as I was in 2019. Surely I can learn to live alone and not be overwhelmed by my lonliness. I shall look for new ways to fill my days and hopefully my faith in God will guide me in getting along in this new year.

Peace and prosperity to you all!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I’m so sorry for your incredible loss. Your blog is beautifully written. Thank you for reminding us what is really important in life - it’s the people we love, not things or an ideal weight. Hoping that 2021 finds you living alongside your grief.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    185 days ago
    Hi Sandra--- Son #2 mustve called 5 times on my cell--from his room in Hong Kong--- says he is in a Marriot Hotel-- leaves to-morrow AM--their time---- which is 12 hrs ahead of us----It is so funny to get a call from Hong Kong---
    I watched CNN today and all the ceremonies with Biden brought tears to my eyes--
    I hope yer babies are enjoying life in yer warm home--- Hugs, Lynda
    187 days ago
    Yu are off to the laundry room ??----LOLOL-----= That is good-- I just walked Tess too--- They haven't ploughed the back road so it wasn't fun!--Lynda
    192 days ago
    Whatta great blog--- The year yu put was 2020--Did yu mean 2021?--- lynda
    I hate the cold outside too--and I would never sit in an ice shack--- The kids love it tho-- Lynda
    198 days ago
    Yu have 2 new pets?---- YU made my day! Sandra--Please tell me they are new pets--new babies to talk to--- I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU--hugs hugs hugs, Lynda
    231 days ago
    Hi Sandra--just dropping in to see that yu are OK--- hugs, Lynda
    279 days ago
    Sandra--So I am not alone eh?--Feeling this sadness???_- Thankl yu for letting me know--- I have no reason to feel this way really---but I do--- Hugs to yu--Lynda
    290 days ago
    I admire you--Yu are strong! Did yu ever think yu could do this?--- He must be looking down and admiring you-Lynda
    302 days ago
    Sandra -yu always remind me to enjoy this man I live with-- Thank you-Lynda
    385 days ago
    Oh Sandra---- Yu are so good to maintain that weight loss!--- I know yu miss your husband a lot--- Did yu ever think that yu would get this far on your own?--- Do yu feel that sometimes he is near?-- I guess that must sound funny to yu--I sometimes feel my Dad around tho--
    Yu must have a good family to support yu!~ --And they are a part of him --- they are a part of both of yu---
    Hugs Sandra--Yu must've been a good Mom yu know !
    443 days ago
    Hi Sandra--My dear friend who really is strong! ---- Thank yu for even reading the blog--so nice to hear from yu and I am so happy yu got a wee smile from it--- Hugs --- Lynda
    467 days ago
    Hi Sandra--- How are things?--- Yu are one very brave Lady-Yer Himself must be so proud of yu! --I see yer comments and I always wonder how on earth yu are doing- Hugs my friend! Lynda
    482 days ago
    Hi Sandra--- I think that you do marvellously well! ----Do you ever think that maybe yer husband is close by--like watching over you?--I hope that he is!
    Well, so far, no snow is falling here so far today--We will be so lucky if we miss it!-- I was supposed to go to Sudbury tomorrow for my eye exam but cancelled it till next month--
    I still look for you on here daily --- pray that all is OK with you to-day-Lynda emoticon
    516 days ago
    How on earth are yu doing?--It must be so hard still-- I think about yu a lot-Lynda
    528 days ago
    So sorry for your loss but congratulations on a relationship that was so strong.
    565 days ago
    Hugs to you. emoticon I followed you "home" from a comment you left on MAIN4ME15's Spark page, because something you said about faith moved me to do so. And sometimes we're guided. And I note that my sister has already been here (ALICIA363), so we may have been similarly guided!

    You see, the two of us lost our beloved brother (MOBYCARP) in 2019, so while that's not as traumatic as losing your spouse, it's a pretty big deal, he was the first of the five siblings to go. We are working our way through that loss and grief.

    Wishing you peace, comfort, and adjustment to what 2020 has to bring... I like how you put it, "live alongside" the grief. Hold him close in your memory, and know there is still purpose for you.
    571 days ago
  • ALICIA363
    572 days ago
    Paint------ Can yu join a watercolour class?--Pant his picture?--Oh my heart goes out to you so much! ---I hear you--specially after talking to my brother who is going thru the same thing-- All I can say--is --PAINT----just try something new--- I love yu--- I think we all love yu---
    572 days ago
    I am so sorry.
    572 days ago
  • MAIN4ME15
    May the new year bring you a keen presence of the Lord as you continue to live in this new normal for your life. You don't eat during difficult times. I eat more. No matter, as you said, it's still not as important as so many prescious memories.
    572 days ago
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