feelings, nothing more than feelings

Change is possible! True, everlasting, looking back thinking, "wow, look how far I've come," change. Change that happens on almost a cellular level, you become this new creation by just taking step after step after step....

It is with great, unimaginable joy that I tell you that my entire way of dealing with myself has changed, along with my weight loss. I was always striving, wanting perfection, making the wrong choices to support my own good health... and they were health choices that were not only bodily, physical health... but emotional health, too.

I was a gaping hole of despair on lots of days. I didn't know what I was feeling, most the time. I only knew that bingeing made me feel better. It was the perfect anesthesia.... and that lasted decades. Until like any true addict, I needed to binge more and more to get that same pseudo-peace. At my worst I was bingeing three to four times per day, and I'm talking ENTIRE-BOXES-of-donuts bingeing.

I hated myself and I let myself know it every time I looked in the mirror. I tried to hate myself thin. I tried to punish myself with exercise I didn't enjoy. I felt despicable. Shameful.

Today I was thinking about how far I've come.

I had a (second) heart procedure (cardiac ablation) two summers ago that was a success and wasn't going to land me in the ER with a randomness that scared me out of exercising hard. I bought a fitbit. A year later, WW saved my life. I never went to one meeting, I did it all online. It allowed me to eat food like corn and bananas and baked potato.... foods I rarely allowed myself (self punishment) because I didn't think they should be part of my diet. The weight loss was easy. I wish I could say that I loved myself before the weight loss, but that would be a lie. Now that I've had some success I notice that I am never mad at myself anymore. Even when I eat poorly, I already know that I know what I have to do to correct it. I don't beat myself up or think I'm a failure. I just think, I wanted that chocolate cake, or I wanted to watch that movie rather than exercise. And because I know balance, it is well with my soul.

Now that I am not bingeing much (I still have my moments, of course) I am finding that I am much more selective about what I'm eating. When I eat something, I can tell right away if it will be worth it. And if it's not worth it... I actually stop eating it! On a few occasions I even spit it out. I don't eat the entire bag and then feel that same way.

I am allowing feelings. I am allowing myself to feel VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. And you know something, you know what I am teaching myself? I don't die if I am uncomfortable!!! Sure, it doesn't feel good. It feels LOUSY. But feeling uncomfortable does not need to be smothered in food. Discomfort is like any emotion... it passes. Almost like a labor pain. You begin to see that you can deal with the feeling, hold it in your being.... and then breathe out as it goes away. Even without rushing to the pantry or refrigerator... it dissipates. And that makes you even stronger, the next time it happens. Because it will.

I am learning how to relax without hurting my body. I am honoring the fact that it's important for me to have quiet time, alone time. I have become a huge fan of all different types of tea, and that is my relaxation. I am listening to much more music.

Without the cover of excess food, along with allowing myself to feel uncomfortable, I am uncovering so many emotions!!!!!! It's remarkable!!!! I actually know when I am sad, or if I am feeling anxious, or if I am bored. I know when I am feeling powerless. Unheard. Disappointed. And acknowledging each and every one without the blanket of food lets me know there are no "bad" emotions. It is my privilege to have them. And here's why- by acknowledging all of these "bad" feelings, it has also opened my heart up to deeply, fully experience all of the "good" emotions. I feel more loving toward self, and due to that, others. I feel grateful and loved and secure with whom I am becoming.

I like her.

Who knew she was buried under all that food because she was scared to feel her feelings, and was taught that they didn't matter.