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feelings, nothing more than feelings

Monday, January 06, 2020

Change is possible! True, everlasting, looking back thinking, "wow, look how far I've come," change. Change that happens on almost a cellular level, you become this new creation by just taking step after step after step....

It is with great, unimaginable joy that I tell you that my entire way of dealing with myself has changed, along with my weight loss. I was always striving, wanting perfection, making the wrong choices to support my own good health... and they were health choices that were not only bodily, physical health... but emotional health, too.

I was a gaping hole of despair on lots of days. I didn't know what I was feeling, most the time. I only knew that bingeing made me feel better. It was the perfect anesthesia.... and that lasted decades. Until like any true addict, I needed to binge more and more to get that same pseudo-peace. At my worst I was bingeing three to four times per day, and I'm talking ENTIRE-BOXES-of-donuts bingeing.

I hated myself and I let myself know it every time I looked in the mirror. I tried to hate myself thin. I tried to punish myself with exercise I didn't enjoy. I felt despicable. Shameful.

Today I was thinking about how far I've come.

I had a (second) heart procedure (cardiac ablation) two summers ago that was a success and wasn't going to land me in the ER with a randomness that scared me out of exercising hard. I bought a fitbit. A year later, WW saved my life. I never went to one meeting, I did it all online. It allowed me to eat food like corn and bananas and baked potato.... foods I rarely allowed myself (self punishment) because I didn't think they should be part of my diet. The weight loss was easy. I wish I could say that I loved myself before the weight loss, but that would be a lie. Now that I've had some success I notice that I am never mad at myself anymore. Even when I eat poorly, I already know that I know what I have to do to correct it. I don't beat myself up or think I'm a failure. I just think, I wanted that chocolate cake, or I wanted to watch that movie rather than exercise. And because I know balance, it is well with my soul.

Now that I am not bingeing much (I still have my moments, of course) I am finding that I am much more selective about what I'm eating. When I eat something, I can tell right away if it will be worth it. And if it's not worth it... I actually stop eating it! On a few occasions I even spit it out. I don't eat the entire bag and then feel that same way.

I am allowing feelings. I am allowing myself to feel VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. And you know something, you know what I am teaching myself? I don't die if I am uncomfortable!!! Sure, it doesn't feel good. It feels LOUSY. But feeling uncomfortable does not need to be smothered in food. Discomfort is like any emotion... it passes. Almost like a labor pain. You begin to see that you can deal with the feeling, hold it in your being.... and then breathe out as it goes away. Even without rushing to the pantry or refrigerator... it dissipates. And that makes you even stronger, the next time it happens. Because it will.

I am learning how to relax without hurting my body. I am honoring the fact that it's important for me to have quiet time, alone time. I have become a huge fan of all different types of tea, and that is my relaxation. I am listening to much more music.

Without the cover of excess food, along with allowing myself to feel uncomfortable, I am uncovering so many emotions!!!!!! It's remarkable!!!! I actually know when I am sad, or if I am feeling anxious, or if I am bored. I know when I am feeling powerless. Unheard. Disappointed. And acknowledging each and every one without the blanket of food lets me know there are no "bad" emotions. It is my privilege to have them. And here's why- by acknowledging all of these "bad" feelings, it has also opened my heart up to deeply, fully experience all of the "good" emotions. I feel more loving toward self, and due to that, others. I feel grateful and loved and secure with whom I am becoming.

I like her.

Who knew she was buried under all that food because she was scared to feel her feelings, and was taught that they didn't matter.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SHARON10002
    Sue, this is a blog that is not only powerful, but empowering to all who read it.
    You have indeed made it to the other side through all of the blood, sweat, and tears, and it shows in your words here that are truly an inspiration! This is a wonderful message of hope, and love, to start off my new year. I would like to say "Thank You" for enriching my life, and my journey here along with you, and your soul bearing blogs, and insights.
    357 days ago
  • LP0519ITALY
    This post was truly inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing the powerful woman you've become as you powered through every obstacle along the way! emoticon
    362 days ago
    Learning, listening ....know yourself. An awesome roadmap for your personal healthy journey.
    363 days ago
    Incredible blog - thanks so much for sharing!! I hope so much to get to where you are someday!!

    When I don't use food to cope, I sometimes sob so hard. There's a lot of deep pain inside. I have to keep remembering that "feeling the feelings" won't kill me.

    Thanks again for the honesty and hope.
    emoticon emoticon
    370 days ago
    I love this blog and I relate to so much. I am hitting "like" because others could benefit from your honesty and insight. In fact, just this evening I am feeling very anxious about a lot I need to do and keep avoiding and the first though that came to my head was "I need to buy some great cookies to eat tomorrow evening and then I will stay up late and crank out this work." Of course I recognized old bingy me talking, but I still just want to stuff feelings sometimes.Binging was for me too "the perfect anesthesia" but just like anesthesia, it feels draining and exhausting as it wares off. Yes, I too must remind myself that " I don't die if I am uncomfortable!!!" I too am into teas these days!
    374 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/13/2020 8:12:27 PM
    This blog is goose-bump-level moving! I am blown away by your story and so so happy or you, Sue. We can all learn a lot from your experience, and I thank you for sharing it.
    378 days ago
    beautiful post emoticon
    378 days ago
    "And because I know balance, it is well with my soul."
    This is everything. Great hard work! emoticon
    378 days ago
    damn you rock .. we got this girl .. love ya for the 100th time ... xoxo

    I sleep with my boss too .. ( and get to work with my son (40) .. as well as my daughter (44) before she got married
    mark my words ..

    one of these days I'm going to write the paycheque I deserve .. :) ..

    thank you .. my dear divine delivered friends ..xoxo ..

    379 days ago
    What a wonderful blog!

    This was good timing for me as I am doing WW again but online. I was going to do meetings again which I enjoyed but the timing is off plus I would either have to pay more for each meeting since I am off my goal or I could figure out how to cancel and sign up again but I think I will just do online. Done it every day this week so let's see.
    379 days ago
    What a wonderful Blog Sue! I'm so glad you shared it with us, being able to inspire & motivate so many others..I'm so proud of you, and happy that I can be part of your positive journey with you!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    379 days ago
  • BEDA65
    I missed your blog, since I usually check friends blogs first thing in the a.m. Was leaving a comment on REMBRY's page for her comments on my blog yesterday and one of her friends commented about REMBRY's comments to you on your 1/6/20 blog. I would have found it today, but I had to come straight here to read your blog and her comment. And of course everyone else's.

    You have done a fabulous job expressing your thoughts and feelings here. And touched so many people as well. I am sure there is just as many who have read and not commented. Thank you for baring your soul.

    You are a blessing. You are good enough just the way you are.
    Much love to you, my friend.
    Prayers and positive energy!
    379 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/7/2020 2:56:43 PM
    So happy for you and the way you are being kind to yourself. You said a lot but what resonated with me was that sometimes when we overeat it isn't even worth it. I also am trying to pay more attention to what I eat and choosing not to eat when I am not hungry more instead of just eating because it is meal time and my husband wants to eat.
    379 days ago
    Yes, the feelings we fear are not infinite, either, as we may believe. They have a stopping and an ending point. We just have to buckle ourselves in and ride the wave. I have been going through something similar. Thanks for an insightful blog. Cheers to you on your voyage!
    379 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/7/2020 11:47:45 AM
    THIS: "And you know something, you know what I am teaching myself? I don't die if I am uncomfortable!!!" I'm trying with everything in me to teach this to my Divine Miss O. She will go to lengths to avoid discomfort that frankly, shock me at times... in her mind, no matter the repercussions, avoiding discomfort in any given moment is worth whatever mess must be cleaned up later. I must confess I just don't understand the inclination, but I am learning well how to respond. Blogs like yours help.
    379 days ago
  • CATE195
    Thanks for the reminder of looking at how far we have come. And also for the reminder that it is OK to have uncomfortable feelings. emoticon
    379 days ago
    I love tea too. One of my favorite things!! You are doing fantastic!!
    379 days ago
    I loved your blog so much!!!
    WW has done so many positive things for you!
    379 days ago
    So well written and expressed. I can relate to this cycle. I appreciate your honesty and encouragement!
    379 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your journey. Many nuggets of wisdom to think on.
    379 days ago
  • 1BLAZER282005
    Awesome blog. I'm so happy that you found your true self. You give me hope!
    379 days ago
  • RENEE7575
    "And because I know balance, it is well with my soul."

    YES. I LOVE this blog! So many excellent insights! You have reached such a good place recognizing the connection between bingeing and hiding emotions. Many people never get there, and here you are!

    Thanks so much for posting this and taking the time to write it all out so others can benefit from your wisdom.

    379 days ago
    Wow Wow Wow -

    This is a fantastic blog

    And I am so very happy for you as you discover this wonderful world!


    Thanks for sharing it
    379 days ago
    wow .. I need to re-read .. then perhaps read again .. print and save .. huge huge from the heart hugs Sue .. yes dear fellow traveller you have found authentic power .. the power of you .. exposed and delicious .. thank you for sharing your soul xoxo
    380 days ago
    380 days ago
    I like it..I want to share the journey with you..we need each other...
    380 days ago
  • _BABE_
    Timely as usual. Thanks for sharing. I needed to hear that I can feel uncomfortable and it will go away.

    emoticon emoticon
    380 days ago
    My hat's off to you!! You are Amazing and have done an incredible job of overcoming and transformation! You are an inspiration and I thank you for sharing with us!! ...((Hugs))
    380 days ago
  • LINDA!
    380 days ago
  • -50HEIDI
    What a beautiful post! You are what I aspire to. Thank you for your honesty.
    380 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    380 days ago
    I'm so proud of you and your success. The transformation is amazing. emoticon
    380 days ago
    Such amazing, stupendous growth you have made and insight you have gained! Bless you for sharing your journey so openly, dear Sue. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    380 days ago
    Good blog! Best wishes to you!
    380 days ago
    Just tears . . . . tears of joy for you. I think your words speak eloquently to the freedom you feel, but the picture . . . that is absolutely powerful.

    HUGS and may you go on . . . feeling! It is, honestly, one of the better parts of life.

    380 days ago
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