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The sin that got me here

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

"but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified." -1 Corinthians 9:27

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouchin
g at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” -Genesis 4:7

"When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." -James 1:13-15

So often these verses have been coming to mind lately, particularly in my weight loss journey. At Lila's birth I weighed a whopping 257 pounds with a body fat percentage of almost 50%. My high school 150 pound body would have in no way recognized it.

Forcing myself to find a way to budget an extra $700 a month to lose weight had me really thinking more than ever how I got to where I am. After all, wouldn't an expense like this be vane and selfish?

The truth is, this isn't about vanity for me. Looking over my life in high school and the road that got me to where I am now, it's about the sins that got me to this point and showing contrition and repentance for those sins. I especially love how James puts it when he says that desire conceives and gives birth to sin. Desire is usually in the mind and can or cannot be sinful, but conception and pregnancy are different. Pregnancy is more public and can easily be witnessed. The Bible has a pattern of showing this is sin. Sinning in secret has it's way of going public where anyone can see it.

For me my biggest sin is slothfulness and gluttony. As much as I love healthy eating and exercise, I equally love junk food in front of the tv. I spent years having regular pizza and ice cream binges for one in front of Friends reruns and ignoring chores like laundry or cleaning or taking out the trash. I didn't want to be caught in this horrible sinful lifestyle when I was as active in my church and in regular fellowship with God's people but as I said before, sin has a way of being found out.

Like everyone struggling with this sin, I did attempt diets and did have some moderate success, but without the mastery of sin and ruling over it the way God warned Cain to do, the success was only temporary. 

Getting married to Corey didn't change anything. In fact, there was even more sin in the same lack of action because I had someone else to sin against. Before I was sinning against my body, God, and eventually my daughter but now I was also sinning against my husband. My body now belonged to him and I was abusing it and not giving him the best of it. I was selfishly caving to every desire my body had toward food and numbing my brain with hulu binges. I wasn't serving him by keeping the laundry clean and put away, keeping the floor swept, or even picking up in general. With Corey's daily battle with Crohn's disease and him somehow managing to pick himself up and go to work anyway to provide for my daughter and I, not to mention our coming child, he deserved so much better. Coming home to a messy house every day only added to his anxiety.

I really feel for Hazel during those days as well. Since my laziness would have me up late at night, I would sleep past when Hazel would get up and she would come wake me up for breakfast and often times I wouldn't get out of bed to feed her and she would either go hungry or help herself to something she wasn't supposed to have in the morning. After that she would often make a mess and I would yell at her for her disobedience and then after finally feeding her ignore her throughout the day.

Since joining 30/10 (which is not a Christian weight loss program, FYI) and getting up to read my Bible God has been really opening up my heart. I expected this journey to mostly be about losing weight but God has really been showing me why my weight is where it is. This morning I decided to start making other changes besides actually going to the gym and changing my diet. My kitchen is now clean and the dishwasher is now running. My living room is picked up and waiting to be vacuumed. Lila is up and fed, and happily playing. Laundry is on its way to getting folded and put away and more will be in the washer while that's going on. And hey, maybe I can watch something while I do so or listen to some music. As long as once I'm done folding laundry, I turn the tv off and start on the bathroom to really make this house sparkle. And while this is going on, I'll continue to pray to adopt this lifestyle that puts old sins to death and smile when I see how grateful my husband is when he comes home to see how I spent the day serving him.
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