Hello, dear sparklers!
I have had a few bumpy weeks lately. I know this is the timeline of grief. Some days you feel like you might be leveling out and finding your feet then a significant holiday rolls around that you must face without the love of your life and you slide back down the into the pit of sorrow once again.
I've learned from my grief group and from many, many books I've been reading on the subject that this up and down bumpy sorrowful ride lasts for a good long time.
I was in a terrible funk on Valentine's Day. It all started with Facebook memories that put up a picture of beautiful roses and my Valentine Day card. I wanted to take that as a sign from heaven that Don was making sure I had my flowers and my card sent especially from him.
But as the evening wore on I just couldn't seem to find the blessing in that beautiful picture of roses and a lovely Valentine's Day card.
I was grumpy and feeling sorry for myself..actually a little angry too that Don would have the audacity to leave me in this crazy sh*tshow of a life without him.
Of course, this is crazy because leaving me was the LAST thing he ever wanted to do. In fact, and this is very personal but I know I can share it with you as my dear friends he really wanted me to leave this earth plane with him.
He was fearful he might not be reunited with our beautiful son Josh and I think just the journey itself. He told me "I can't do this without you Bobbi, I need you to be with me."
That made me feel SO terrible and I had to explain to him that I truly believe that we chose the life we come back to and we are here to teach our lessons or to learn our lessons. If we cut that life short unnaturally I believe we will still face those lessons another time and that life might be a WHOLE lot harder. I told him...I just can't do harder! When I think back on those conversations I feel guilty and I sometimes think it would have been a whole lot easier for me to just check out with the love of my life. But then I know in my deepest core that would have solved nothing. I'm left here to figure out why I've been left behind and that is what I must do...no matter how much I HATE it.
I have been trying my best to continue forward with my 'new normal'....but honestly, it's not normal at all.
I invited the grief group over last week and it was a very nice evening. I'm happy I did it. Everyone was so appreciative and so happy to come. That is one thing you learn as a single person...you NEED your friends around you. Especially me as I have no family.
Then I tried another new social group. I joined a MeetUp group for breakfast on the beach.
I did wimp out and asked a g/g friend to attend with me. Somehow I couldn't quite find the muster to go by myself meeting 40 new people all at once. These events are very popular and it was a great learning lesson to me to realize that SO many people out there are single and lonely and anxious to make new connections.
I somehow felt that it's a two by two world because so many of our core group of friends that Don and I have known for some 30 years are all couples. It was good for me to 'get out there' and see that this 'two by two' thing is a total myth.
Here are just a few shots of the breakfast on the beach bunch.
There were many more people but I just took a few pics.
Everyone was supposed to bring a breakfast or brunch dish. And since 40 people came you can just imagine how MUCH food there was there! It was in a beautiful part of the beach under a heavy canopy of seagrapes that have grown into massive trees. Lots of slash pines...just beautiful and peaceful with the sound of the waves hitting the beach only a hundred feet or so away from the picnic area.
I could have easily gone on my own as my friend and I actually sat at different tables enjoying the people around each of us. I guess it still was comforting knowing that you had a friend there ..just in case. We also enjoyed sitting on the beach after we left the group and chatted with each other while watching another group that was doing kayak yoga...I should have taken a few pictures of that...it was pretty interesting.
So...I am looking forward to another meet up for breakfast on the beach. They hold them every 3rd Sunday monthly. I'll invite a few other members from my grief group that enjoy the beach.
I've been doing really well on my 5% Teddy Bear Challenge where we commit to plenty of exercise and healthy lifestyle challenges as a team effort.
I think I'll hit my goal this challenge and that is very satisfying to me...I think I'm making a little progress dear sparklers...I really do.