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Doing my best...

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Hello, dear sparklers!

I have had a few bumpy weeks lately. I know this is the timeline of grief. Some days you feel like you might be leveling out and finding your feet then a significant holiday rolls around that you must face without the love of your life and you slide back down the into the pit of sorrow once again.

I've learned from my grief group and from many, many books I've been reading on the subject that this up and down bumpy sorrowful ride lasts for a good long time.

I was in a terrible funk on Valentine's Day. It all started with Facebook memories that put up a picture of beautiful roses and my Valentine Day card. I wanted to take that as a sign from heaven that Don was making sure I had my flowers and my card sent especially from him.

But as the evening wore on I just couldn't seem to find the blessing in that beautiful picture of roses and a lovely Valentine's Day card.

I was grumpy and feeling sorry for myself..actually a little angry too that Don would have the audacity to leave me in this crazy sh*tshow of a life without him.

Of course, this is crazy because leaving me was the LAST thing he ever wanted to do. In fact, and this is very personal but I know I can share it with you as my dear friends he really wanted me to leave this earth plane with him.

He was fearful he might not be reunited with our beautiful son Josh and I think just the journey itself. He told me "I can't do this without you Bobbi, I need you to be with me."

That made me feel SO terrible and I had to explain to him that I truly believe that we chose the life we come back to and we are here to teach our lessons or to learn our lessons. If we cut that life short unnaturally I believe we will still face those lessons another time and that life might be a WHOLE lot harder. I told him...I just can't do harder! When I think back on those conversations I feel guilty and I sometimes think it would have been a whole lot easier for me to just check out with the love of my life. But then I know in my deepest core that would have solved nothing. I'm left here to figure out why I've been left behind and that is what I must do...no matter how much I HATE it.

I have been trying my best to continue forward with my 'new normal'....but honestly, it's not normal at all.

I invited the grief group over last week and it was a very nice evening. I'm happy I did it. Everyone was so appreciative and so happy to come. That is one thing you learn as a single person...you NEED your friends around you. Especially me as I have no family.

Then I tried another new social group. I joined a MeetUp group for breakfast on the beach.

I did wimp out and asked a g/g friend to attend with me. Somehow I couldn't quite find the muster to go by myself meeting 40 new people all at once. These events are very popular and it was a great learning lesson to me to realize that SO many people out there are single and lonely and anxious to make new connections.

I somehow felt that it's a two by two world because so many of our core group of friends that Don and I have known for some 30 years are all couples. It was good for me to 'get out there' and see that this 'two by two' thing is a total myth.

Here are just a few shots of the breakfast on the beach bunch.

There were many more people but I just took a few pics.

Everyone was supposed to bring a breakfast or brunch dish. And since 40 people came you can just imagine how MUCH food there was there! It was in a beautiful part of the beach under a heavy canopy of seagrapes that have grown into massive trees. Lots of slash pines...just beautiful and peaceful with the sound of the waves hitting the beach only a hundred feet or so away from the picnic area.

I could have easily gone on my own as my friend and I actually sat at different tables enjoying the people around each of us. I guess it still was comforting knowing that you had a friend there ..just in case. We also enjoyed sitting on the beach after we left the group and chatted with each other while watching another group that was doing kayak yoga...I should have taken a few pictures of that...it was pretty interesting.

So...I am looking forward to another meet up for breakfast on the beach. They hold them every 3rd Sunday monthly. I'll invite a few other members from my grief group that enjoy the beach.

I've been doing really well on my 5% Teddy Bear Challenge where we commit to plenty of exercise and healthy lifestyle challenges as a team effort.

I think I'll hit my goal this challenge and that is very satisfying to me...I think I'm making a little progress dear sparklers...I really do. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    226 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    How is Bobbi world? Hugs.
    234 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    We are in a blizzard, wish I was on this beach... hugs to you..
    237 days ago
  • LINDA!
    Your husband would be happy to know that you are getting out and not hiding in your house. I can only imagine how tough it is to be alone, after the death of a spouse. You have every right to the feelings, you are still healing. emoticon
    240 days ago
    Keep doing your best. That's all anyone can do, really.
    Glad you're getting out there. That picnic at the beach sounds like a lot of fun!
    242 days ago
    There will always be good and bad days, but you are a strong woman. You can make this happen. Just know that yuou now have 2 angels looking out for you on your journey. You are always loved, even when it may not feel like it, you are loved dear.
    243 days ago
    Bobbikens, you are the STAR! ;o)
    243 days ago
    That looks lovely! What a wonderful idea!
    243 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    So, without realizing it, you are growing, expanding, spreading those gorgeous wings of yours. You ARE soaring, despite the crap-fest of events that have been presented to you. You are still growing, still weighing things, still pondering YOUR future.
    That is PROGRESS and LIFE. You are LIVING!
    I thing that beach group is fantastic and would absolutely blend with your grief group!

    Bobbi is an adventurer!
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    244 days ago
    I do understand, I do. And I am so proud of you for all the steps you are taking to move forward. How wonderful that such groups exist, and you are taking advantage of them. Why not go with a friend! Keep on down the path, Bobbi; it will get easier, I promise.
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    244 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/19/2020 10:37:56 AM
    I love the last photo taking a walk down the windng path,that is what you are doing Bobbi taking that long walk to try & make sense of everything, gathering flowers ( Your new friends ) along the way to add to your bouquet of friends I have never been where you are now , I do not know what to say to you to give you comfort Hugs ( Judy )
    244 days ago
    Such love that you two had is an inspiration. I understand his
    fearfulness and you did the right thing to telling him that it was
    not your time to go as well. I think that each person's passing is
    one journey we take alone, even if we die with others at the same
    time. Continue to take care of yourself. HUGS!
    244 days ago
    Thanks for letting a little of the pain go .. holding on to it all is worse Bobbi .. let it out .. I do like the suggestion of a letter .. write, write ,write!! .. I know the energy flows from us through the pen and sits on the paper ... then say a pray of release .. of peace .. of thanksgiving for what you had .. then set fire to the paper .. let the energy be balanced by returning to the Universe .

    keep going to these functions ... keep forcing yourself to be alive, fit and healthy ... slowly the dark clouds of grief will lift ..
    sure wish we lived closer .. we would be eating every meal on the beach or outdoors until the weather gets too darn hot ..instead of bloody freezing here most of the time ..

    I think you need a good giggle .. some belly laughs .. you might have to find some comic events to lighten up your spirits ...

    never forget .. that those we love are just a thought away ... ever present .. always available ... talk to Josh and Don .. ask them to help you .. because they can and they will ...

    God holds you close .. remember All is well .. All is in His timing xoxo

    244 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    You are so amazing Bobbi how you handling this day to living without Don. You are such a strong lady and we are all learning from you.....
    245 days ago
    245 days ago
  • JEANNEW691
    I'm not going to pretend that i know how it feels to loss your husband after 30 years together, but I know the deep pain of lossing those closest to you, and all i can say is time helps us heal and opening up to new experiences can go a long way.
    245 days ago
    Don did love ❤️ you Bobbi. Grief and letting go of those we love deeply takes time
    245 days ago
    Bobbi, being mad at Don for leaving you is one of the stages of grief. And yes, it would be nice if all the ones we loved left at the same time, but that rarely happens, and it usually is an accident. So it is not your time yet, you have so much love maybe you are suppose to find more people of love and help. All those people in these grief group are now your friends and you would not have met them. So you still have some love to pass around.
    245 days ago
    I know how hard it is. I used to scream at Alan lots at first. How can you leave me with 3 boys!!!! My pastor told me it was okay to be mad at God, he has broad shoulders. He told me to write Him a letter. So I did. My 13 yr old walked through saw me crying and asked if I was ok. I assured him that I was and kept writing. He came through again and asked who was I writing to. When I told him he asked where I was going to mail it to. Never finished the letter but it did make me feel better. Brian my 13 yr old a I are still very close. I have never lost a child so I can't tell you how to feel. Sending ~y love and hugs and prayers to you. So glad you have your groups. emoticon emoticon
    245 days ago
    Bobbi, you are one of the bravest women I know. I am so very proud of how you have moved forward each and every day. And I think that at one time or another we all feel angry at the one's who have left us. I'm glad you are making some wonderful new friends. It was good that your old group gathered around you when you needed them but you have so little in common with them now. One day at a time, huh!
    245 days ago
    I understand very well. Big hug, my friend.
    245 days ago
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    245 days ago
    Bobbi, it must have been heartbreaking to know that Don wanted you to accompany him to heaven, but I completely agree with you that no matter how close we are to our loved ones, we all have to live our own lives until the end. My husband (Japanese) is Buddhist. Like most Japanese, he doesn't attend any regular ceremonies (not many sects have them), but he adheres to Buddhist teachings, and though they're close to the tenets of Christianity, I think a lot of what you've said here reminds me of my husband's way of thinking--that there are cases where taking one's own life might lead to more trouble in the next, because our souls live forever, either back here on Earth or elsewhere. I don't think suicide is always wrong (the terminally ill should surely get an out-of-jail-early pass), but we're here in this earthly "soul school" for a reason, and we need to stay for the last lesson if at all possible.

    So it's great that you're here to carry on and to continue your good work in the world! I'm sure that you are brightening every place you visit, bringing joy to others with your naturally bubbly self, and lifting others' spirits more than you'll ever know. And yes--that gathering place near the beach is beyond beautiful! Heaven on Earth!
    245 days ago
    I feel for you and your grief. It's never easy and does not get easier....just different. I'm glad to hear that you are surrounding yourself with friends and those who may have similar sadness.

    Take care of yourself and congratulations on the loss for your challenge.
    245 days ago
    245 days ago
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