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Do it anyway

Thursday, July 02, 2020

I miss journaling. Trouble is, for the longest time, I've not been doing very good self-care.

Part of self-care is putting things away. But I'm not very good at that So, the result is stacks and stacks of papers that need to be filed or somehow organized.

I used to put my writing journals organized into a file folder. Then every-once-in-awhile, I'd go through those pages and pick out 'kernels' or 'nuggets' -- profound, positive truths that I discovered within myself.

Most of my written journal pages are the usual 'o-woe-is-me' self-victimization that I'm SOOOO GOOOD at.

So, ok, I'm no longer organized and so the effectiveness of doing my pages (Cameron calls them 'morning pages') is greatly reduced.

Thus, this blog. I love SparkPeople--a bazillion people just cheering each other on.

I gained weight the first year of my marriage: 1988. I've steadily gained and kept on gaining. I got up to 350#. I felt so absolutely disgusted with myself when I attained that milestone of shame, I went into my own 'self-quarantine'. This was 2012. In the intervening years I got down to the high 250's. Now I weigh about 310, maybe more. Can we say, YO-YO???

I'm getting better at logging my food in here. But... sometimes even typing the food in here is difficult, because I internalize every ****ing thing, and by recording it, I'M ACKNOWLEDGING that I failed that day. I should eat about 2000 cals. per Spark. Failing is eating above 3000, which I regularly do.

What does it mean that I crave salt and sugar? Well, the sugar means I'm very addicted to it. And I think the diet soda I drink doesn't help! All those artificial sweeteners DO NOT satisfy my cravings and actually INCREASE the desire. Sometimes I think that diet soda is like marijuana. The more you indulge, the more you get the munchies.

Craving salt means... I forget. Not enough vegetables? Not enough protein? Not enough kettle chips? Not enuf SmartFood popcorn? Not enough diet soda?

Do it anyway. I should make some signs for myself. It would be best for me to do better personal hygiene, better self-care, better foods, today. Exercise: today is my resistance day for exercise: weights, core work, pilates work.

I know all these things, and I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THEM. At this moment, I should ignore my ****ing negative, lazy mind and Do It Anyway.

I should walk away from this ****ing keyboard and Do It Anyway.

This Do It Anyway is the ****ing secret of life, ya know?

And one time out of a hundred do I actually ignore my bull**** mind and Do It Anyway.

Doing It Anyway, if done on a regular basis, would be the greatest, most courageous thing I could ever do for myself.

In '96-'97 I lost 100#. It was the single most valuable thing I have ever done for myself.

And I WANT to succeed, just don't know how!

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