At 650 and Scared

tl;dr

As much as I know I desperately need the support to succeed, I can't seem to get online and post, to get myself onto my SP team's board to get and give support.

*****

In the last few years, I've lost interest in social media, most likely due to depression and self-isolation. I'm homebound so it's often the only socialization I get other than a few friends who come to see me throughout the month. It's been a lot worse this year with COVID-19, since none of them could visit, plus some of the other horrible things going on which I won't go into because... politics.

I had my 55th birthday a few weeks ago. A few week's before that, my husband, who is 60, said he'd only be able to take care of me another year or two before he couldn't physically do it anymore. I gained a bunch of weight the last couple of months and I'm at the second highest I've been in my life, the highest I've been in over a decade.

I'm in so much pain that I spend a portion of each day in tears because my knees, legs, and back hurt so much. I'm not sleeping at night because the pain in those places plus my shoulder is excruciating. I've been able to avoid taking my prescription pain killer for the most part but I'm eating ibuprofen and acetaminophen like candy. It's getting so hard to get up and walk that I'm really frightened of being bed bound. I am filled with disgust with myself for getting to this point.

All I end up doing all day is playing game apps, surfing the web, and reading books. But there's so much more I want to do, including a lot of self-care. The top of that list is losing weight. I'm 55 years old. I'm at the end of my physical rope and so is my husband. I'm at rock bottom.

It's not just SP either. I'm having trouble reconnecting with another community (book lovers/readers) that I've been heavily involved in since 2006. I'll make one or two posts, then go quiet again for several days, a week, longer. I love the place. They're wonderful people.

So it's not the sites - one is a place with people I'm completely unfamiliar with and the other has people I've known for 5, 7, 10 years or more. One with people who don't know me at all and one with people who has said they love me and consider me an important part of the community.

It's me. And I don't know how to change it. I need cheerleaders. I need people who get it. I need compatriots.

And, yes, I know that's a lot of need. I can be good support, too. I've been told, today even, that I'm supportive. I've been told I'm a good listener and a good person to talk to, that I'm compassionate and kind.

I'm not looking for a one way street but for right now, I need help. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling lost and alone and scared - terrified, really.