Saturday, August 18, 2007
I hate to even admit it. I hate to even feel it. It feels like a failure. I am struggling so much. And I realized that I have a huge amount of shame because I am struggling. Especially since I can help others deal with their stuff so good in the journey sessions. How is it that I can be so helpful and can not help myself? And shame is a very low frequency emotion. I don't think you can get much lower than that. So, when that is around my depression increases. I am holding on. That is all I can do right now. Just hold on. But what I really want to do is let go-but that isn't an option. This is a difficult place to be in because many people don't understand. And even if someone does, you don't really want to talk about it.
The best part of my life is doing journey work with other people as it is such a priveledge and helps me also. But the rest of my life is crumbling around me. Maybe that is what is suppose to happen. Maybe all that isknown has to fall away so that i can rediscover who I am. Or maybe that is just a nice thing to hope-to hope that the crumbling and pain isn't all for nothing.