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fat on the inside

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and the subject turned to our respective weight loss journeys. My mom weighed just over 200 lbs and has lost about 50 lbs since January 1 of this year, and is probably the most active she's been in her entire life. On the phone she mentioned how amazed she was that she bought a pair of size 10 jeans--because she still thinks of herself as fat.

I wish I didn't understand what she was saying, but I did. This is not the first time I've lost a significant amount of weight--I've been a yo-yo girl since I was 13. And when I was down to the smallest I have ever been, 130, I still saw myself as fat in the mirror and in my head. Now I look at pictures from the 15 minutes I weighed 130, and the next time I lost weight 140, and the next 145 and think I would kill to look like that. What was I thinking?

In some respects I think it is not bad that we see ourselves as fat, because it is further motivation to keep going and getting to a healthy weight. But what about when you finally get there? I've been there and have still been utterly unsatisfied with my body. I think part of the problem is we have unrealistic expectations of what we will look like. For instance, I have a large frame, so no matter how much weight I lose I won't be able to be a model (also, I'm reeeeaallly short). I'll always be pear-shaped, and unless there is a famine I'll always have a chest that is large for my body.

Honestly, I struggle with this every day. I'm hoping that if I stick with it, my mind will eventually catch up with my body and the "inner" me will be smaller too.
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  • NICCIE77
    Just read your blog and want to say - you sound like a younger version of myself and thought maybe my story could make you feel different about this question.

    I too started the 'diet life' when I was thirteen - my mom and I went on Jenny Craig together. I got down to 135 (only time in my life actually; came close again a couple of times but never that low again) for about two years. My weight just rollercoastered from that point on.

    By the time I was thirteen I also had a DD chest which grew to over a DDD by the end of high school. (sound familiar)

    So @ age 23 I finally decided to get a breast reduction.....best choice of my life. I then went on to loose about 80lbs and looked the best I had ever in my life. So what happened when I finally reached this desired look (of which I could never even think about having before my reduction)?
    NOTHING!!!! For some reason I had thought loosing weight would solve all my problems. When I loose weight I will be confident, when I loose weight men will love me, & when I loose weight I will love myself and I wont feel or see this 'fat' girl again. None of these things happened.....I knew I looked better but I really don't honestly think I was genuinely confident, still had problems with men (though I must admit the selection was quite a bit better looking), and I still didn't love ME. I STILL never felt comfortable in my own skin.

    I think I was sooooo surprised that loosing weight DIDN'T solve my problems; I became depressed for the first time in my life, and of course began slowly putting on every lb that I had lost.

    When I finally realized it wasn't the weight that was causing all these issues.....I worked on ME AS A PERSON FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.....now I have begun this weight loss again at 30 and this time I know exactly what I will do when I reach my goal.

    Nothing. I love my life and myself. I will have proved to myself that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and be incredibly proud of my accomplishment. That's it.

    There are no problems to solve this time and if I was able to feel comfortable with who I was fat as a person and a woman - How much better is healthy tight skin going to feel?............no matter what my final shape is?


    4913 days ago
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