fat on the inside
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and the subject turned to our respective weight loss journeys. My mom weighed just over 200 lbs and has lost about 50 lbs since January 1 of this year, and is probably the most active she's been in her entire life. On the phone she mentioned how amazed she was that she bought a pair of size 10 jeans--because she still thinks of herself as fat.
I wish I didn't understand what she was saying, but I did. This is not the first time I've lost a significant amount of weight--I've been a yo-yo girl since I was 13. And when I was down to the smallest I have ever been, 130, I still saw myself as fat in the mirror and in my head. Now I look at pictures from the 15 minutes I weighed 130, and the next time I lost weight 140, and the next 145 and think I would kill to look like that. What was I thinking?
In some respects I think it is not bad that we see ourselves as fat, because it is further motivation to keep going and getting to a healthy weight. But what about when you finally get there? I've been there and have still been utterly unsatisfied with my body. I think part of the problem is we have unrealistic expectations of what we will look like. For instance, I have a large frame, so no matter how much weight I lose I won't be able to be a model (also, I'm reeeeaallly short). I'll always be pear-shaped, and unless there is a famine I'll always have a chest that is large for my body.
Honestly, I struggle with this every day. I'm hoping that if I stick with it, my mind will eventually catch up with my body and the "inner" me will be smaller too.