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I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

OK I need to talk myself out of this funk I'm in. True, I have had a crappy year in many ways. But I think I need to just think about the bad things and somehow turn them into positives. I'm hoping it will help. I may have to be like the guy on SNL who talks to himself in the mirror: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!!"

My mother moved back here to Wisconsin from Oregon, living with us for 3 months, basically the whole summer. Yes it was stressful, and still is sometimes. She has her own place now, but since I am the one closest to her, she sometimes expects us to do things alot more than I'd like, or come over to fix things, etc. She now wants to know what we're doing for Thanksgiving, because if we're all gonna go do what we usually do and not be with her she's just gonna have to go fly somewhere or something, said with a heavy guilt trip implied. (I have always gone to my aunt's house, from my Dad's side. She did too before they got divorced and she moved away. So even tho it's where I always go and really my main chance for the year to see those relatives, I'm expected to now change all that to be with her...am I being selfish or what?!)

Positive spin: My mom who (most of the time) I really love is now closer and we can spend more time together. My kids love having her around and it's great to have a babysitter close by who I don't have to pay.

My grandmother who also lives in Oregon is battling Alzheimers and it has gotten significantly worse over the past year. I work in a place that has alot of Alzheimer pts so I see what it gets to be like. It's really depressing that she is going through this and I can't be there to help out or spend time with her before she forgets who I am. I'm crying now.

Positive spin: OK, there really isn't a way to spin this, but I'll try. She is 89 years old and has had a long, healthy life up until now, and I know she loves me even tho I'm sure sometime soon she will not know that. Working with pts like this has taught me that you just really need to hold on to your good memories of people. Maybe the confused world she lives in now most of the time (in which my grandpa and her parents are all still alive) is a happier place to be for her.

My dog died.

Positive spin: Wow, this one hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I loved that little dog so much! She was my first baby! But you know what? We had her for 10 great years. She had a wonderful life with a family who loved her to pieces. She was the last one left in the litter when I got her, and I can't believe I was so lucky to have no one else pick her. (OK, crying again...) She brightened up our lives many times. And because of her we love the schnauzer breed so much that we got another one. I couldn't go through life without a dog, and getting another schnauzer was the closest thing to having her back. And so we got Izzie, who is a crazy, cute little thing who already has made us happier. If I can get her potty trained, this spin will be even more positive...

I lost my job. With 2 months til Christmas, I lost my job.

Positive spin: Well, it's not totally gone yet. They gave us about a 60 day notice, so we have a job here until Dec. 1st. I thought I had another job lined up, but that fell through. Is it the end of the world? No. I loved my job here, I love the people I work with , and the patients, and I LOVE my schedule. Will I find a different job where I love the people I work with? Probably, because I usually make friends everywhere I go. Will I like my work? Probably. Will Iove my schedule? I hope so. I work in health care, so if I end up back at a hospital, that will mean some weekend shifts, and holiday shifts. It will suck, but I've done it before. I am hoping for a job in some clinic type setting where I won't have that. OR maybe, just maybe, there is a-change a-comin'. Maybe this is my chance at getting into a new career, or changing things up a little. Did I love everything about my job here? No. It's sometimes boring, not the most challenging of jobs. Do I like a little more excitement in my life? Yes, so maybe my next job will hold some of that for me. I have faith in God that He is going to guide me on the right path, that He has a plan for me. I don't know what it is yet, but I know He has one. And maybe I will learn something about myself in getting there.

My husband and I have had a rocky year. There were times when I thought it just wasn't meant to last, that I just couldn't take it anymore. We even went through some counseling, I was so desperate. Things still aren't probably as happy as they should or could be.

Positive spin: We hung it out. We went through counseling. We worked at it. We are still working at it. Maybe things aren't as happy as they could be, but we're doing BETTER!! And we are both WANTING to work at it!

In January of 2006 I began another diet. I was 223 lbs, and miserable. I promised myself that when I turned 40 I would be at my goal of 150 lbs. I figured that's almost 2 years, what fool can't lose 75 lbs in 2 years?! Well it turns out I can't. I am down to about 178, and only have 6 weeks left til I'm 40, and I know I can't make it. I feel like I really let myself down, that so many people could have done it, and I couldn't. That I have once again failed at this diet thing and my never be what I want to be.

Positive spin: OK, I have to really work hard on this pep talk. I WANTED to get down to 150, but did I even deep down think I could really ever make it? NO. Did I really deep down even think I would get below 200? NO. I had failed so many times, that I had really no strong belief that I could do it. But I am 178!! I haven't been here in I can't remember how long. I am lower than when I got married (14 years ago today actually, and 3 kids later!) and that is hard to believe! I have adopted a new lifestyle. Sure, it's not as fast as I would have liked, but I have learned how to eat healthier and learned that I LIKE to exercise!! This was a foreign concept to me before! I now have a strong belief that some day, I WILL get to my goal, and that I probably shouldn't put so much stress on when that day will be. I am looking good, feeling good, and don't go through life feeling deprived from being on some starvation diet. I eat what I want for the most part, just less, and make smarter choices. I will be 40 in 6 weeks, but I will be a HOT 40!! I will look better than I ever thought I could after gaining 50 lbs each time I got pregnant!! I will be proud of myself, and I will embrace my 40's!!! (OK, I'm getting a little too crazy here, NOT sure just how much I'm gonna like being in my 40's....) Anyway, I am healthier and that's what is important when it comes to playing with my kids, and being a good influence on them. AND I have found the SP website, where I know I can always turn to for support from the many friends I have made here!

Well, what else? Like I said, it's been a rough year, full of more downs than ups. It's a constant struggle for me to feel strong, to feel proud, to feel happy. I need to give myself pep talks all the time, but I am slowly seeing the light. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I need to like myself as much as others seem to like me. Why can't I see myself the way others see me? Why do I put myself down all the time? It's a bad habit I've been cultivating since I was a kid. Some day, I will like myself. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, I did it. I feel better.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I completely understand! I have had a really hard time too. I think the main thing we can do in our lives is always see the poitive in every situation. If we focus on the bad, our lives will never be where we want them to be. My hardest thing about weight loss was coming to terms with the fact that I was going to do this for ME! No one counts as much as I do. Do I love it when my hubby tells me how great I look..OH YEAH! Do I like when my kids tell me how proud they are of me..EVEN MORE! But, I did not and am not doing this for them! You need to have a chance to clear your head and just reaaly be there for YOU! I think you have a wonderful heart and You certainly are a beautiful woman. We always seem to lose that when we become Moms and it's time we GET IT BACK!!!!
    4051 days ago
    Hang in there girlfriend! I know you posted this blog a little bit ago and I hope the sun has broken through your fog a little bit! You are so amazing seeing the positive in so many aspects of your life where you could be digging a hole instead.

    It's amazing the things we have in common. My grandmother, who will be 87 in January, is also battling Altzheimer's. She is a very healthy women other than that. It is so sad to hear the things my mom's tells me and the way my grandmother has been reacting to things and the stuff that comes out of her mouth. What? My Granny says that? She's never talked that way. She too is reliving the days from when my grandfather was alive. I get updates from my mom on her condition and I think her recent memories have been after high school into dating and marrying my Grandpa. I don't see her too much because she prefers to stay home away from people. I'll continue to keep my memories of my Gran though and the way she always was and not the way she is now.

    I'm sorry to hear about your doggy. I know that is hard! I also hope things continue to work out with your hubby. These years are the hardest when you give all you've got to your kids. There isn't much left for each other and those hubby's don't always understand that. I know from experience on that one. How many times do I need to explain it!?!?! Keep working at it! You have a beautiful family and it takes alot to make it all work.

    Hugs, Nancy
    4489 days ago

    Thanks so much for your kind words on my blog!! And then I check in to see how you are doing and WOW! What reflection! I love the positive spin on things - it is hard to do sometimes so I admire your attitude. It is amazing to me how everyone really goes through so much of the same stuff - yet when we are struggling we feel so alone! So much of what you wrote about brought tears to my eyes because it hit a place close to home and just knowing how you must feel. I have a grandma w/ alzheimers in Louisiana and have also struggled with so many of the same areas in life!! We women are pretty tough! Checking in with you today did me a world of good - so know that your thoughts sparked a positive moment in my day!!! Have a great week - I'll be thinking of you!
    4499 days ago
  • no profile photo CD557571
    Ahhhh, hon. I'm sorry you've had a rough year, but I love the positive spin you were able to put on things. My grandfather died of Alzheimer's seven years ago. It was tough seeing him go through the stages, but at least you know in advance what they may look like on your grandmother. It's still hard to watch sometimes, and then at other times, it is crazy funny. And I didn't make my goal by my first deadline either (or my second, or the third). It is still possible to make the fourth deadline. If I don't make it, it doesn't matter. I can tie my shoes without getting red in the face from the effort now. I am in such a better place than I was 18 months ago. Spark People is truly a remarkable site for change. Big hugs - Cassie
    4506 days ago
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