I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
OK I need to talk myself out of this funk I'm in. True, I have had a crappy year in many ways. But I think I need to just think about the bad things and somehow turn them into positives. I'm hoping it will help. I may have to be like the guy on SNL who talks to himself in the mirror: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!!"
My mother moved back here to Wisconsin from Oregon, living with us for 3 months, basically the whole summer. Yes it was stressful, and still is sometimes. She has her own place now, but since I am the one closest to her, she sometimes expects us to do things alot more than I'd like, or come over to fix things, etc. She now wants to know what we're doing for Thanksgiving, because if we're all gonna go do what we usually do and not be with her she's just gonna have to go fly somewhere or something, said with a heavy guilt trip implied. (I have always gone to my aunt's house, from my Dad's side. She did too before they got divorced and she moved away. So even tho it's where I always go and really my main chance for the year to see those relatives, I'm expected to now change all that to be with her...am I being selfish or what?!)
Positive spin: My mom who (most of the time) I really love is now closer and we can spend more time together. My kids love having her around and it's great to have a babysitter close by who I don't have to pay.
My grandmother who also lives in Oregon is battling Alzheimers and it has gotten significantly worse over the past year. I work in a place that has alot of Alzheimer pts so I see what it gets to be like. It's really depressing that she is going through this and I can't be there to help out or spend time with her before she forgets who I am. I'm crying now.
Positive spin: OK, there really isn't a way to spin this, but I'll try. She is 89 years old and has had a long, healthy life up until now, and I know she loves me even tho I'm sure sometime soon she will not know that. Working with pts like this has taught me that you just really need to hold on to your good memories of people. Maybe the confused world she lives in now most of the time (in which my grandpa and her parents are all still alive) is a happier place to be for her.
My dog died.
Positive spin: Wow, this one hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I loved that little dog so much! She was my first baby! But you know what? We had her for 10 great years. She had a wonderful life with a family who loved her to pieces. She was the last one left in the litter when I got her, and I can't believe I was so lucky to have no one else pick her. (OK, crying again...) She brightened up our lives many times. And because of her we love the schnauzer breed so much that we got another one. I couldn't go through life without a dog, and getting another schnauzer was the closest thing to having her back. And so we got Izzie, who is a crazy, cute little thing who already has made us happier. If I can get her potty trained, this spin will be even more positive...
I lost my job. With 2 months til Christmas, I lost my job.
Positive spin: Well, it's not totally gone yet. They gave us about a 60 day notice, so we have a job here until Dec. 1st. I thought I had another job lined up, but that fell through. Is it the end of the world? No. I loved my job here, I love the people I work with , and the patients, and I LOVE my schedule. Will I find a different job where I love the people I work with? Probably, because I usually make friends everywhere I go. Will I like my work? Probably. Will Iove my schedule? I hope so. I work in health care, so if I end up back at a hospital, that will mean some weekend shifts, and holiday shifts. It will suck, but I've done it before. I am hoping for a job in some clinic type setting where I won't have that. OR maybe, just maybe, there is a-change a-comin'. Maybe this is my chance at getting into a new career, or changing things up a little. Did I love everything about my job here? No. It's sometimes boring, not the most challenging of jobs. Do I like a little more excitement in my life? Yes, so maybe my next job will hold some of that for me. I have faith in God that He is going to guide me on the right path, that He has a plan for me. I don't know what it is yet, but I know He has one. And maybe I will learn something about myself in getting there.
My husband and I have had a rocky year. There were times when I thought it just wasn't meant to last, that I just couldn't take it anymore. We even went through some counseling, I was so desperate. Things still aren't probably as happy as they should or could be.
Positive spin: We hung it out. We went through counseling. We worked at it. We are still working at it. Maybe things aren't as happy as they could be, but we're doing BETTER!! And we are both WANTING to work at it!
In January of 2006 I began another diet. I was 223 lbs, and miserable. I promised myself that when I turned 40 I would be at my goal of 150 lbs. I figured that's almost 2 years, what fool can't lose 75 lbs in 2 years?! Well it turns out I can't. I am down to about 178, and only have 6 weeks left til I'm 40, and I know I can't make it. I feel like I really let myself down, that so many people could have done it, and I couldn't. That I have once again failed at this diet thing and my never be what I want to be.
Positive spin: OK, I have to really work hard on this pep talk. I WANTED to get down to 150, but did I even deep down think I could really ever make it? NO. Did I really deep down even think I would get below 200? NO. I had failed so many times, that I had really no strong belief that I could do it. But I am 178!! I haven't been here in I can't remember how long. I am lower than when I got married (14 years ago today actually, and 3 kids later!) and that is hard to believe! I have adopted a new lifestyle. Sure, it's not as fast as I would have liked, but I have learned how to eat healthier and learned that I LIKE to exercise!! This was a foreign concept to me before! I now have a strong belief that some day, I WILL get to my goal, and that I probably shouldn't put so much stress on when that day will be. I am looking good, feeling good, and don't go through life feeling deprived from being on some starvation diet. I eat what I want for the most part, just less, and make smarter choices. I will be 40 in 6 weeks, but I will be a HOT 40!! I will look better than I ever thought I could after gaining 50 lbs each time I got pregnant!! I will be proud of myself, and I will embrace my 40's!!! (OK, I'm getting a little too crazy here, NOT sure just how much I'm gonna like being in my 40's....) Anyway, I am healthier and that's what is important when it comes to playing with my kids, and being a good influence on them. AND I have found the SP website, where I know I can always turn to for support from the many friends I have made here!
Well, what else? Like I said, it's been a rough year, full of more downs than ups. It's a constant struggle for me to feel strong, to feel proud, to feel happy. I need to give myself pep talks all the time, but I am slowly seeing the light. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I need to like myself as much as others seem to like me. Why can't I see myself the way others see me? Why do I put myself down all the time? It's a bad habit I've been cultivating since I was a kid. Some day, I will like myself. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There, I did it. I feel better.