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Just hanging in

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm back walking more, since my mom's settled in the rehab facility now. I still have to take a big chunk of the day to visit her and consult with her nurses, etc. When I get home, I'm exhausted, even though it's not really physically tiring - I'm just emotionally wrung out.

I'm just a big ball of stress. My mother has been very depressed, and wants to give up and just die. You know, she's 94, so I can totally understand that she feels like it's her time. The problem is - it's not. Her vital signs are good, she's reasonably alert, under the circumstances. There's no indication that God thinks that this is her time. But she's been VERY depressed, and resists all attempts to help her recover. She seemed a bit better yesterday, and they got her up several times, but Sunday was a real low point. I never want to see anything like that again. Having my mother say over and over that she wants to be dead is just about all I can bear.

I'm fluctuating between no appetite, and self-medicating with food.

I had those 2 job interviews last week, and one promised to call me this week. So, I am also really anxious to hear from him. Starting to work, and in my field again, seems like it would be a great tonic. But, still waiting.

Then, last night, our older dog Jasper suddenly started drooling excessively. We rushed him to the Vet ER, which is 40 miles away. Of course, by the time we got there the drooling had slowed to a trickle, and he was looking fine. But all I could think was that another family member, another night in the ER. I'm going to call our regular vet and get him in for a check - the emergency vet was WAY too expensive since it didn't seem to be a real emergency.

I had another big cry fest with myself yesterday, while I was driving to the rehab place. Spike was with me (yes, they allowed me to bring him), so I'm sure he wondered why I was driving and making those wierd noises.

I'm trying to continue to do things that make me feel normal - like walking Spike, fixing Thanksgiving dinner, etc. But I'm struggling and I feel very alone with all my negative feelings. I don't want to stress DH any more - he's had a rough year, too. I don't want to be a "high-maintenance" friend and bawl all over my friends. So, here I am, trying to blog and make some sense of my life right now.

Today:
visit mom, and talk to her doctors about the treatment plan (this is a 4-5 hour chunk of time, due to the distance they placed her from where we live)
work on my thanksgiving cooking schedule (I'm a big planner - I make lists for everyone so we all stay on track)
grocery shop for regular and TG
finish the housecleaning in preparation for TG
walk Spike, do a little training with Spike
send out resumes
haircut at 2pm

OK, I'm already feeling overwhelmed. Better get started.
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