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A funny story: A week at the gym

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

"A Woman's week at the gym"

This is dedicated to everyone who has ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine!

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) bought me a week with a personal trainer at the local gym. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I thought it would be a good idea.
I called the gym and set up the appointment with a personal trainer named Belinda, who told me she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and a model for swim wear. She encouraged me to keep a workout diary.

Monday:
Started my day at 6am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I got to the gym and found Belinda waiting on me. She is something of a greek goddess..with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling smile. Woo hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, even though my gut already hurt from sucking it in whenever Belinda was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy bar in the air then she put weights on it! My legs were wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it worth while!

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is putting my tooth brush on the sink and moving my mouth side to side. I believe I have a hernia in moth pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn't steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the gym parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me today, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying! My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair Monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help get me in shape and enjoy life...or some crap like that,

Thurday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire teeth exposed as her thin cruel lips were in a snarl. I couldn't help it that I was a half hour late! It took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda told me to work with dumbbells. When she wasn't looking I ran and hid in the bathroom. She sent some other skinny twit to find me. As my punishment, she put me on the rowing machine...I sank...

Friday:

I hate that woman, Belinda, more than any person can possibly hate another person. If there was a single part of my body that didn't scream in pain when I moved, I would hit her with it!
Belinda wanted to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you didn't want dents in the floor don't hand me dumbbells or anything eles that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher! Why couldn't it had been someone softer, like the drama coach or choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. I wanted to throw my diary at the machine, however I lacked the strength to even hold the tv remote and have been watching the Weather Channel for 11 hours now.

Sunday:
I am having the church van pick me up today so I can go thank GOD this week is over! I will also pray that next year my daughter (little snot) will choose a gift that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy!
I still say if God wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled diamonds on the ground!

The End
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MELMINDA
    omg... I didn't see this one before. This is so funny I hope you don't mind if I copy and paste on my myspace blog.
    Thank you for posting this... I laughed so hard!
    4765 days ago
  • DEBSHOPN02
    Oh my god, I LMAO. I think I even snorted a couple times. That usually happens when I laugh too hard. My BF made me read it out loud to him because I was laughing so much he wanted in on it. I really thought I had heard all these silly things but this is great!
    4780 days ago
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