A funny story: A week at the gym
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
"A Woman's week at the gym"
This is dedicated to everyone who has ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) bought me a week with a personal trainer at the local gym. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I thought it would be a good idea.
I called the gym and set up the appointment with a personal trainer named Belinda, who told me she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and a model for swim wear. She encouraged me to keep a workout diary.
Monday:
Started my day at 6am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I got to the gym and found Belinda waiting on me. She is something of a greek goddess..with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling smile. Woo hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, even though my gut already hurt from sucking it in whenever Belinda was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy bar in the air then she put weights on it! My legs were wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it worth while!
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is putting my tooth brush on the sink and moving my mouth side to side. I believe I have a hernia in moth pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn't steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the gym parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me today, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying! My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair Monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help get me in shape and enjoy life...or some crap like that,
Thurday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire teeth exposed as her thin cruel lips were in a snarl. I couldn't help it that I was a half hour late! It took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda told me to work with dumbbells. When she wasn't looking I ran and hid in the bathroom. She sent some other skinny twit to find me. As my punishment, she put me on the rowing machine...I sank...
Friday:
I hate that woman, Belinda, more than any person can possibly hate another person. If there was a single part of my body that didn't scream in pain when I moved, I would hit her with it!
Belinda wanted to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you didn't want dents in the floor don't hand me dumbbells or anything eles that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher! Why couldn't it had been someone softer, like the drama coach or choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. I wanted to throw my diary at the machine, however I lacked the strength to even hold the tv remote and have been watching the Weather Channel for 11 hours now.
Sunday:
I am having the church van pick me up today so I can go thank GOD this week is over! I will also pray that next year my daughter (little snot) will choose a gift that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy!
I still say if God wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled diamonds on the ground!
The End