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SAL1512's Photo SAL1512 SparkPoints: (416,097)
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12/19/19 11:54 P

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Once again we are approaching Ben's Angel Day - December 21st. It still feels like a bad dream and then I know it is true ... And once again, we are at our other son's home for Christmas. The tree is up. emoticon It is obviously decorated by children. And then there is the laughter of four grandchildren. The Christmas tree was Ben's favorite part of Christmas at our home. The grands will never know their Uncle Ben. Life goes on ...
We have an angel in heaven waiting for us.
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MOMTOLJ's Photo MOMTOLJ Posts: 2,954
12/17/19 7:58 P

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Learning to live without you... still miss you, flesh of my flesh... still love you, You will never be forgotten, You will always be loved. This is the holiday season. So hard to celebrate without you, your laughter, your hugs. Tears come as my heart is torn. My hope is that you're resting in peace with the Lord xoxoxoxo

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BFIT_AT_50's Photo BFIT_AT_50 Posts: 49
1/6/12 12:05 A

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Gail, Nothing is every the same again after losing a close loved one, but it does become... well, less hard. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know after everything quiets down it can get harder. You are in my thoughts and prayers - hugs.

Smurfette, great list - thanks for sharing it. Even now, two and a half years after our son passed away, those things still apply.

Sally, it's beautiful the way the people in your neighborhood took care of you. About the tree, it's so weird sometimes how our minds associate things. I had just finished bar-b-queing chicken when we got the call that our son was dead. I haven't touched the bbq since. I just feel ill even thinking about using it. I can also so relate to the part about people acting like we had leprosy. I still get that look when people ask how he died and I say suicide. It's a tough topic.

Hugs to all, thanks for being here.
Shanna

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SAL1512's Photo SAL1512 SparkPoints: (416,097)
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1/3/12 7:59 P

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Our youngest son, Ben, died very suddenly on Dec 21st five years ago. We had his service the day after Christmas. We had just suffered thru a historic snow storm. The city was kind enough to send someone into our neighborhood to clear out snow so people could come to the house. The grocery store down the street let people park in their lot so they could attend the service. The streets and church parking lot were impassable. People helped other people walk to the church. There was such a grand out pouring of help right away where it was needed. Then everyone was gone by the middle of January and we were left with an empty house. People who had children avoided us like they were going to catch a disease. They were so horrified by our loss that they abandoned us.
GAILSQUEST reply had such an excellent list. I wish I had that list years ago.
Anyhow, Christmas is hard. We have never put up a tree since then. In fact, we are going to sell it this spring at our garage sale. My husband admitted that he could never put up that tree without Ben. We must be making some progress in our grieving because my husband was finally able to tell me why the tree did not go up again.
It is hard, but think of yourself being blessed. You have your own Christmas angel up in heaven. You have something that others do not have.
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SMURFETTE2423's Photo SMURFETTE2423 Posts: 3,295
1/2/12 5:56 P

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GAILSQUEST, I am so sorry that your husband died near Christmas. I didn't get a chance to respond because my keyboard was kablooey, but I did think of you on Christmas and New Year's with love in my heart and wished you strength. This is an absolutely horrible part of life- I won't lie to you- but these are things I learned when our daughter died:

1- It's difficult to believe that the world keeps going as usual- don't they know?
2- People (usually people who haven't lost a close loved one yet) may say unbelievably insensitive and inappropriate things. If they say, "I don't know what to say", be bold and answer, "Just tell me you're sorry for my loss and give me a hug." After all, you do need hugs at this time.
3- Some people will try to tell you how and for how long to grieve ( particularly hurtful ones are "we thought you'd be over that by now." or "we thought you'd want to keep busy, so would you do ____ or head up such and such committee."? )Now, everybody grieves differently, so if you WANT to keep busy, TELL people. HOWEVER, if you are incapacitated and are grieving pretty much full-time, this may be the year to NOT be in charge of things. As for the first comment, I just parrot back in an astonished tone, "You thought I'd be OVER THAT BY NOW?" and leave it at that.
4- Don't worry if there are days when you stay in your pjs all day and accomplish very little sometimes. We called these "Jammy Days" . Grieving is a full-time job some days. Also, some days it may seem like you're walking through a fog or trudging through deep snowbanks and your energy can only be used for grieving and human basics(breathing, eating, drinking water, and going to the bathroom) and there's none left over.
5- Perhaps most important- LOVE NEVER DIES; IT LASTS FOREVER. There is no force which can take the love that person feels for you away; it is yours to treasure. I believe that the people closest to us become our guardian angels, who watch over us for the rest of our lives, helping out in ways we do not fully understand. Sometimes, when the wind is making the trees dance, our daughter's son will say, "It's Mommy-in-Heaven telling us how much she loves us." and you know what? I feel a little extra love enter my heart.

With much love and many, many hugs, Laurie
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Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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OHIOMOM's Photo OHIOMOM SparkPoints: (0)
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12/13/11 12:05 P

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Oh yes, the unexplained signs! They do watch over you and they let you know they are there if you are open to the signs. I do talk to my husband about the good days and the bad, just as tho he were still here. I think he listens and reacts, it is a wonderful thing when you feel they have helped in some way.

I personally started being busy right from the start, so much to do in the begining, then one week after he passed, I had to have emergency appendectomy. That did not stop my busy and I can tell you my husband had to have been watching as the amount of pain I was having at the time would not normally send me to the ER, my habit is to wait and see and honestly I thought it was just gas or stomach troubles with all that had been going on during the past 2 weeks, so I was inclined to ignore it. Suddenly out of nowhere I decided I needed to go to the ER and within 5 minutes was on my way. I think my husband knew I was in medical danger and he pushed the right buttons to send me on my way. I was told the appendix was very close to bursting, that would have been dangerous.

Short version, they are watching over us like Angels and are still there when we really need them they make thier presence known in one way or another.

Sending prayers to you that God gives you the strength to get thru this hard time.

Dot
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Treasure the past, live in the present and believe in the future.


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ZUCCHINIQUEEN's Photo ZUCCHINIQUEEN Posts: 9,266
12/13/11 5:40 A

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Ohiomom is so right. Keep busy. Pray a lot.
I thought from day 1 "I am going to build myself a 'new life'. It's not been easy, nor without mistakes, but in time I found a rewarding, content life. Old memories still pop up, and I cherish them.
But that idea doesn't help much in the beginning days of grief. You will find unexplained signs where he is watching over you. Be thankful for those signs. Know that there are many of us out here who have gone through this awful situation and survived.

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SAL1512's Photo SAL1512 SparkPoints: (416,097)
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12/12/11 5:48 P

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You are sooooo right that Christmas will never be the same again. And it will be different because you have a guardian angel looking out for you now. You might even say, a Christmas angel!
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OHIOMOM's Photo OHIOMOM SparkPoints: (0)
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12/12/11 4:48 P

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Gail, you have my heartfelt condolenses, I know for me two things have keep me from going off the deep end, One, the fact that tho they are really adults, I have two kids still living at home, and Second, I stay busy busy busy, always doing something around the house to keep my mind from dwelling. It does not help with the lonely nights and it does not keep me from going there all together, but it helps me get thru the days.

Again, so sorry, I think I have a fair idea of how you are feeling just now and I know we shall get thru this, there will be tough times, but we will get thru this.

Dot
Goal: To do better today.


Treasure the past, live in the present and believe in the future.


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JIACOLO's Photo JIACOLO Posts: 45,335
12/12/11 7:18 A

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Gail....I am sorry for your loss! I hope you have a good support system around you to help you through this difficult time. If not, find one! It really can help.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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ZUCCHINIQUEEN's Photo ZUCCHINIQUEEN Posts: 9,266
12/12/11 5:38 A

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Sudden death is difficult at any time. The holidays seem to only makeit worse.
My first Thanksgiving without my husband, I said I didn't care what the rest of them were doing, I was going to the Chinese Buffet.
The family talked me out of it. I hosted Thanksgiving at my house. It was a loving and supportive time. Let family help you through this difficult time. It will seem as if the crying will never end, but have faith that it will at some point. That point is different for all of us. But it does come.
Love and hugs!

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COSMIC_ENERGY's Photo COSMIC_ENERGY Posts: 10,397
12/11/11 10:47 P

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I stayed in my parents house 2 weeks alone when my mom passed 2 months after my dad. I wandered in the dark wailing with a prayer shawl my girlfriend had made my mom and she'd been using. It was very cathartic in the long run to let loose and grieve full out. We get so hung on "being appropriate".

Don't let your son be strong all the time for you (they will do it) because they think they should. Encourage him to grieve whatever way works for him.








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GAILSQUEST's Photo GAILSQUEST SparkPoints: (0)
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12/11/11 10:31 P

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Thank you for responding.I am still in shock.Almost like I`m in a dream.
I`m dreading when my company leaves and it gets quiet.Thank God I have a son who lives with me.I could`nt stay here if I was alone.

Love is`nt something you wait for or something that comes to you from elsewhere,but rather that it`s a behavior,a way of being in the world.


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COSMIC_ENERGY's Photo COSMIC_ENERGY Posts: 10,397
12/11/11 10:10 P

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My deepest condolences. Sudden death is a shock to the system. Even when they are older. When my dad passed suddenly--part of my family was already in route to FL from VA to visit my mom who was in hospice with cancer.

You will find you are much stronger than you ever imagined or wanted to find out. Our hearts are with you. No, it never will be the same, and eventually it will just be different.








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GAILSQUEST's Photo GAILSQUEST SparkPoints: (0)
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12/11/11 9:37 P

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My husband died suddenly due to a bloodclot.
Never in a million years did I think this would happen.
The memorial service will be Sunday,Dec 18th.He was cremated as was his wish(he made me promise even before we were married.)
Only through the strength of prayer will I be able to get through this month.

Love is`nt something you wait for or something that comes to you from elsewhere,but rather that it`s a behavior,a way of being in the world.


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