Day 23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

Day 23 - Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

Need to keep thinking about this more. It doesn't resonate the same way a lot of the other tasks do. I'll stay aware of it though.

Day 23 - Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

It is a complete waste of time to moan and groan because it is unfair that someone else can eat whatever they want and never gain weight. Their metabolism may be different than yours, they may exercise a lot more than you realize, or they may watch their eating when you are not around.

You are not trying to help THEM lose weight; you need to focus on YOUR planning, shopping, cooking, eating, drinking and exercise.

Stop making excuses for yourself. Do what YOU need to lose weight.

I have accepted the option that Beck shares at the end of this lesson, "...dieting isn't fair move on, continuing to do what I have to to lose weight. I'm freely choosing this third option."

Whenever I do experience feelings of "not fair", I mentally put up a no fishing sign in my mind (borrowed from Corrie ten Boom's book, "The Hiding Place") which helps to stop any further negative thinking or discussion.

In the past I have planned a special treat splurge for Halloween. I am narrowing it down. The anticipation and planning help alleviate many feelings of deprivation. I normally eat very little sugar so DH lets me plan it all. It's fun and gives us something to look forward to.

Day 23 Counter unfairness - slow metabolism due to age and hypothyroidism. Focus on what I can eat and forget the rest.
Give credit for every healthy choice!
Weight loss begins at the grocery store
double check my cart
Slow down and put back unplanned food, before I bring it home.
Simply freedom!
Instead of eating:
Visit teams and community feed. Positive people everywhere. I'm grateful for Sparkpeople - health information, tools, community, encouragement, realistic goal setting, progress monitoring and being able to talk about weight loss without being a pain to others in real life.

Edited by: AURA18 at: 10/21/2020 (12:18)

Day23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

Interesting point Kriszta, we have been dealing with what is in our own head until now, this is the first instance of looking at how others influence how we eat.

Beck is changing the way we think, including clarifying distorted thinking. For me, this is classic distorted thinking. Childish thinking. That something we don't like is unfair. It is logical that if one wants to lose weight, one cannot eat anything anytime. It is logical that people who maintain a healthy weight don't do that either. We may not like it, but it is not unfair. It is a basic law of nature, of how our bodies work. It is unrealistic to compare ourselves to others, "everybody else" out of context, without knowing a lot more about them.
From Linda Spangle -100 DWL -
ll you really want is to be able to eat like a “normal” person. But in reality, this may not quite be what you had in mind.

Stop and think about it. Most of the “normal” people in our society eat way too much, make poor food choices, and don’t care.

Is that what you’re striving for?



TO DO LIST
- I read my ARC
menu plan
Today- Monday - a fasting day for me
lunch - (same as last week, but made fresh) rice with mushrooms, chicken, green salad
supper - fish, potatoes, green beans ( instead fish mini quiches and green peas )
Tomorrow - Tuesday
lunch - chicken noodle soup, green salad
supper - leftovers - potatoes, quinoa, tomato and feta salad, kale salad


Edited by: JUNEPA at: 3/24/2020 (12:45)

I think this chapter and exercise makes some good points. And the truth is, everyone has a different metabolism; a different body types, different levels of exercise and fitness. And we all make different food choices. For years, I thought my very slender sister was blessed with the ability to eat whatever she wanted without gaining weight. I saw her only for dinners and big celebratory meals where she thoroughly enjoyed everything. Now I go to visit her and I stay at her home, and I realize she eats very sparingly during the day. She consumes all her calories at just one meal in the evening with her husband. And she exercises at least twice as much as I do. So it is not really unfairness; it is hard work on her part combined with very restrictive meals for most of the day.

Instead, I choose to eat three moderate meals, and do moderate levels of exercise. I can’sustain that lifestyle. I can make healthy choices. I don’t have to each huge meals, or pig out on sweets. I don’t feel well when I overeat. I just have to remind myself that what seems like inequity usually isn’t; and it certainly is not a reason to over eat.

Edited by: ALIHIKES at: 3/23/2020 (23:06)

Day 23 To Do List:
I read my Advantages, NO CHOICE, It's Not OK and Get Back On Track response cards at least twice today
I read other response cards as needed
I ate slowly, sitting down and noticing every bite every time
I gave myself credit for engaging in helpful eating behaviors every time
- I did spontaneous exercise (every opportunity / some of the time / once or twice / not at all)
I did planned exercise
I wrote out a food plan for tomorrow
I monitored everything I ate in writing right after I finished eating
I worked toward accepting what I have to do to lose weight (Oh, well) something I couldn't have
I created a response card to deal with the issue of unfairness

Edited by: WALKMAMA at: 3/23/2020 (20:12)

Day23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome chapter is again about a specific sabotaging thought:
(It is OK to eat this unplanned food because) others are eating it and it is not fair I can't have it.

I think it is the first time in the book that we look at how eating behaviors of others affect us - so far we dealt with what's going on in our own head! : )
Thinking rationally, of course a calorie is a calorie, whether or not others are eating it,
and (hopefully) I wrote a good food plan last night, incorporating all the calories and nutrients I need for today.

What are you thinking?
Please share here!

Day 22 To Do List:
I read my Advantages, NO CHOICE, It's Not OK and Get Back On Track response cards at least twice today - once
- I read other response cards as needed
I ate slowly, sitting down and noticing every bite (most of he time )
I gave myself credit for engaging in helpful eating behaviors (some of the time)
- I did spontaneous exercise (every opportunity / some of the time / once or twice / not at all)
I wrote out a food plan for tomorrow
I monitored everything I ate in writing right after I finished eating
I worked toward accepting what I have to do to lose weight (Oh, well) when I wanted to eat something I couldn't have
- I created a response card to deal with the issue of unfairness

Edited by: KRISZTA11 at: 3/24/2020 (09:00)

I think at an unconscious level I do think it is unfair when people eat something rich and are skinny or whatever. I don't like to think I am this kind of person, but I might be a little.

so no matter what, I have to disconnect myself from people like this and just stay focused on my own body and it's abilities and its faults. I can't have ice cream or lots of meat or I get fat fast! within a few days I can gain 5 pound, real pounds. Pounds which took me probably a month to get off I can gain back permanently after a few days. Also, my tummy doesn't like it either. I love eating it but my stomach will make me pay for that moment on the lips desire.

I have to focus on what works for me. To lose the weight I want, I have to eat what is right for it. I live in this body and have to eat certain things to be healthy and lighter.

I'm cycling back into the thread since this is where I stopped my individual book reading in September. I am surrounded by family members who have limitations on what they can eat - so even when I am "dieting" I have more options than others closest to me and I don't feel my food restrictions are unfair compared to others around me. And yet, I often feel like my guidelines are too restrictive and that I am being "unfair" to myself. My helpful response to this sabotaging through is that my food plan is self-care, not punishment.

Edited by: SUZYB53 at: 10/24/2019 (10:17)

@SUSAN_CDN you go ahead and claim that TOTALLY AWESOME badge with no excuses or disclaimers. You are awesome, so there! Own it.

I can honestly say that I don't think it's unfair that other people can eat things that I can't, or that they can have larger portions of food.

I know that everyone's metabolism is different, they may be much more active than I am... there are all kinds of reasons that they can have more/different food than I can.

What's important is not comparing myself to other people, but learning what is right for me. I am working hard to develop skills to help me lose weight... step one... then, I have to build confidence in my ability to use these skills consistently.

I CAN do it, and I WILL!

I sometimes think that I should be able to eat what others eat and feel it is not fair that they seem to be able to indulge and still have no weight problem and I eat less and have a weight problem. What I have to keep in mind is that some of those people are usually much younger than me and can handle the extra calories, and some of those people may be indulging themselves at that time, but do not indulge on a daily basis.

I know someone who allows herself 1 donut a year. If I was with her when she had that 1 donut, not knowing that she only had 1 a year, I would think it is not fair she could eat donuts and still be slim. In reality, she is far more disciplined than I am.

The bottom line is I know that if I want to lose weight I need to stay in my calorie range and I can’t eat whatever I want regardless of what others are eating.

* The Totally Awesome thing beside my name is just something the leader asked us to use for our profile photo in the Fall 5% Weight Loss Challenge that is going on right now. My team is called the Awesome A’s. I just realized my Beck Team wouldn’t know that...and it looks like I think I am pretty special .

Edited by: SUSAN_CDN at: 10/23/2019 (08:25)

Day23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome chapter is again about a specific sabotaging thought:
(It is OK to eat this unplanned food because) others are eating it and it is not fair I can't have it.

I think it is the first time in the book that we look at how eating behaviors of others affect us - so far we dealt with what's going on in our own head! : )
Thinking rationally, of course a calorie is a calorie, whether or not others are eating it,
and (hopefully) I wrote a good food plan last night, incorporating all the calories and nutrients I need for today.

What are you thinking?
Please share here!

Personal note: usually I don't suffer from this kind of thinking, not when I'm on track and my thinking is rational.
But summertime is such a long chain of tempting food events, that my rational thinking is eroded slowly but surely, and I find I feel entitled to have a beer or ice cream or pizza (not on my plan) just because my friends or family are eating it.
Obviously irrational thinking, as my meal plan has all the nutrients and calories I need to Maintain my healthy weight, so any extra will lead to weight gain, especially if I behave this way for 3 months...

Edited by: KRISZTA11 at: 10/23/2019 (05:53)

I seldom feel that it's unfair that other people can eat things that I can't, or in quantities that I know I shouldn't have, because I know it was my poor eating habits, whether it was healthy foods or junk, that got me to 192 lbs.

Now at 169, I've been struggling with 10 lbs. for several years. This year I'm determined to break this plateau and lose the "final 15". To do this, I have to stick to my food plan, increase my exercise, and keep a positive attitude. I have to learn to control emotional eating, and not slip up when I'm socializing with friends.

........................................

Added later:
Today turned out to be a day in which many things changed. I changed some of the food I'd planned to eat because Peter wasn't home for dinner. This gave me a good chance to clean out the fridge and use some left-over cooked vegetables. I also changed my exercise plan, walking downtown with Aria instead of using the treadmill, and doing more decluttering than I'd expected to do.

All in all, it was a very successful day. I had fun with my granddaughter, stayed within my calorie, carbs, fat, protein, and fibre ranges, and got more exercise than planned. The greatest thing, though, is that I didn't use my husband's absence all evening to binge on foods that I know I shouldn't eat. I stayed completely on track!

Edited by: MARITIMER3 at: 3/26/2019 (23:57)

Day 23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

I think I could write a book about life not being fair. I do sometimes wonder "why". Some people do make living appear to be so easy. I absolutely hate the idea of Karma, that people get what they deserve. Truth is good people are sometimes dealt raw life deals. I am not worried about what other people are eating or what other people have. Most days I am just getting through the real moment that is happening in my life.

I choose to focus on what I can change and what I can do to make my life the most that it can be. I can provide my family with healthier choices. I can work on being the best that I can be. I can embrace the positive things in my life.

Day 23 Counter unfairness of planning and monitoring - everything
Positive perspective • read advantages and make response cards


u.nu/fooej Why You Should Be Reverse Engineering Your Goals
u.nu/gyie Which Meditation Practice Is Right for You?

Edited by: AURA18 at: 10/21/2020 (11:24)

I used to really suffer from the feeling of unfairness in regards to food. But that has been a lot of years ago. I think as I got older I realized that food should first be eaten to nourish in a healthy way and then it is also important that food satisfies emotionally to some degree, but that should not be the focus.

Mostly it took me a lot of years to realize that my general food choices for meals were really OK, and that I had more of a problem of stopping eating foods that had become more of an addiction -- those simple carbs and sugary sweet delicious non nutritional foods. Those were the foods that I would binge on, that I would buy and hide to eat alone, the ones that I didn't want anyone to know I was eating. It has really only been a few months since I decided that this addictive behavior would kill me from either heart disease or diabetes.

So accepting that I did this to myself and now I am in control of healing myself - I accept with that the responsibility of making healthy choices. Nothing unfair about it. I could also accept the other way - but being healthy just appeals to me more at my age.

Olia, your analysis and problem solving is brilliant, and you came up with a great solution.
As you navigate the situation successfully time after time, your new way of eating after a long stressful day gets reinforced, and grow into a new habit.

My scene of unfairness gets overblown when I have a 12-14 hour work days and feel deprived of personal time. So on those days even when I get home after 11pm [which is way to late to eat dinner and I'm not even hungry] I would binge on everything in site. It took me a while, at least 6 months, to even realize that this was happening.

Once I did, I was able to problem-solve and came up with this solution:
- I have 2 reminders popping us several times a day stating "Food is NOT the only way to feel better" and "If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer."
- I ready my Advantages and other response cards in the car before I go up home at the end of the day.

It's still a struggle, but at least now, I have a better scene of control and it's actually a manageable problem that I know I can and need to keep working on. Seeing this strategy help me a few time to prevent a nutritional disaster, I now know it's just a matter of time before I irradiate this issue completely.

As for comparing what other people eat at any given moment I agree with Kriszta 100%. I don't know what's happening in this persons life. Maybe this is the first and only meal they have today. Maybe they were genetically blessed with a skinny body. There could be million other reasons why other people do what they do when I see them. I don't know the whole picture. What I see is NOT all there is. So I should not be using an instance of someone else's behavior as a template to build my entire life.

Mostly I don't have an attitude that life is unfair as I have many things in my life that I am grateful for. In the eating arena, sometimes I think it is unfair that I need to decline eating pastries, ice cream, chocolate... and am working on eating these things when planned and in a balanced way that supports my calorie cap, other times I wonder why I want to eat empty calories and be a glutton. What I do think is unfair is how low the calorie cap is in menopause, how much harder it is to keep fit. Oh well, that is reality. I do enjoy the satisfaction of living in a way that is good for me and supports on-going good health. Most of the time I do enjoy the lower level deep satisfaction, sometimes I just want to follow my passions and feel the intense pleasure of living extremely.


Kriszta, I remember when I went to boarding school and the adult at our table seemed to eat so much and she was slim and actually commented on the girls that had next to nothing on their plates about what they must be snacking on. The girls wondered how she could be slim when she ate so much!! For sure it was the between-meal eating that was the problem, eating 3 regular meals seems like a lot of food, but eating high calorie snacks and not eating much at meals is distorted thinking.

Edited by: JUNEPA at: 3/23/2019 (12:08)

I made a card for this. It has, "Eating my plan will benefit ME." "It doesn't matter what everyone else is eating, they have their own plan (or not)." "I will feel better about myself sticking to my plan" "My long term benefits outweigh the short term pleasure (imagined) of that food in my mouth."

Love what everyone else posted!

Not fair were feelings I had a lot ~ whenever I started dieting because it was less than I wanted... and darn, I still tend to want more... I still will have those same feelings in a lot of situations unless I stop and think through them... I am practicing eating enough, and not too much, for me, when & how I choose to eat food.... and when I choose to eat food, then to enjoy it, no guilt, every bite.

I still struggle with a few major triggers

old habits die hard like the related candies & tv ads at certain holidays.... like right now the Easter candy ads... which intend to trigger us into eating... I am practicing releasing all that extra eating.... because too much food hurts me, and if I do choose to have some, when I choose it, I will enjoy it... but I'm not going to go get it just because of the tv ads.

social eating.... generally, the people at these social events are not interested in changing locations or foods... so I go to catch up and enjoy visiting with the people. I am trying to ignore what other people eat, that is their business... and focus on what I choose to eat, for my own reasons, all things considered - like how much is enough for regular day food and is this really special so do I want to eat a little more and enjoy my usual amount or maybe a little more of my favorite foods?

at some point, it boils down to stepping away from the extra eating and I don't want my choices triggered by what other people choose, or tv ads, or the external/craptacular stressful event that happened that day - these are not my reasons to eat anymore, and this is when the "oh well, I don't do that anymore" really helps me... and then turn and focus on what I can do and enjoy it.

I don't think of fairness when it comes to filling my plate.

When I look around, those who are slim and healthy looking don't have their plate filled with food. I have in the past fallen into the "I deserve it, others can why can't I etc.

But then I really observe what is going on around me and decided I didn't want that plateful of food

Day23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome chapter is again about a specific sabotaging thought:
(It is OK to eat this unplanned food because) others are eating it and it is not fair I can't have it.

I think it is the first time in the book that we look at how eating behaviors of others affect us - so far we dealt with what's going on in our own head! : )
Thinking rationally, of course a calorie is a calorie, whether or not others are eating it,
and (hopefully) I wrote a good food plan last night, incorporating all the calories and nutrients I need for today.

What are you thinking?
Please share here!

We can't judge eating habits based on seeing what someone else is eating in a given moment. They may not have a weight loss goal.
Maybe they are struggling with weight gain. They may do intermittent fasting. Or this may be their one planned splurge for the week and they stick to their plan at all other times.
If you saw my meals you could think whoa she eats large meals it is not fair... And miss the whole picture that I don't eat snacks nor random bites between meals, only the 3 meals I planned the night before.

Day 23: Counter Unfairness - Focus on what I can eat and forget the rest.
Learn as I go, document what works!
~Metabolism boosters: water, green tea, ginger, spices, herbs, green banana fiber, leafy greens, foods rich in omega-3, calcium + vitamin D3. u.nu/khto
Progress New foods : (replaces)
Protein - fatty fish, liver, eggs (dairy, egg whites, tuna, deli meat)
Natural fats - ghee, olives, coconut (butter, refined oils, processed foods)
Veg - leafy, cooked cruciferous, limit yams (starchy potatoes, nightshades)
LC fruit - avocado, berries, green bananas - limit HC apples, citrus, melons
Limit nuts & seeds for WL - 1 Brazil nut /day for selenium
Realize, tendency to buy extras. Working on behaviors to achieve healthy buying habits. Patience, eventually easier, I won't struggle with off-plan food in home, too many choices! "4 Types of Eating" u.nu/s01y
Whole olives, limit EVOO

Edited by: AURA18 at: 3/24/2020 (00:34)

I love this thread.
I honestly think that Beck has encouraged me to simply "grow up". I can be such a brat when it comes to my food and what I think that I "deserve".

I often dwell on feelings of unfairness. Its unfair "I've always been fat and my family is fat." I might as well eat, right, its just the way things are. In any other area I would get angry and do what I need to do to even the odds. This is not different. I want to feel strong and in control and be proud of myself- that's why I will accept the unfairness as life and keep battling.

I completely agree with you, TNcountrylife. This tasks helps us let go and move on from the unfairness simply by acknowledging that it is a reality. Something that will always be there and that we work with in order to reach our goals. I like how you've explained it.

Day 23

"Think about the following: Is it better to struggle about unfairness—or accept it and move on? After all, everyone has unfair parts of life. This is just one of yours. Besides, wouldn’t the greatest unfairness be to allow the “unfairness excuse” to prevent you from losing weight? "

Unfairness in life is everywhere!! Sometimes a good ugly cry to release the emotions is needed before I can "Oh Well" and move on. I do think the greatest unfairness is to let anything stop us from reaching out goals.

this was a very timely lesson for me. I sometimes do need to reinforce my determination and not let my "wants" or "can'ts" or "feelings" or " emotions " sabotage me from reaching my goals. Life is always going to be unfair. Losing weight isn't going to make all our problems magically disappear. People are still going to be mean. There are still going to be "can't haves" and "can't do's". This exercise is something that is so important in helping us to learn to "let go" of things and to move forward in life and towards our goals.




Edited by: TNCOUNTRYLIFE at: 10/27/2018 (19:42)

Edited by: AURA18 at: 3/24/2020 (00:34)

I went to boarding school as a teenager and used to think it was unfair that the skinny girls could eat the same as me but stay so skinny. Of course, they were also on the hockey team and exercising most days of the week, too, and I wasn't. I see that in hindsight.
So, the unfairness issue is a trigger for me and I do have to stop and rationalise with that fifteen year old within me. Right now I am recovering from an injury and not exercising as much myself, therefore I have to eat less. I am also getting older, so need to be aware that I probably will not get away with occasional splurges like I used to, or like my friend who is ten years younger than me can. I have to track my calories if I want to lose / maintain weight - that is my reality and helps me. This chapter has helped me see the psychology behind changing my thought-processes. But, I have to stop and find what thoughts are going through my head before the extra food, or junk food, gets into my mouth.

Right now, the unfairness feeling hides behind my rebelliousness. Oh well Oh well Oh well, there is always a trade off. I always have the choice: be rebellious, careless and gain weight, or acknowledge that if I want to feel good and healthy, I have to set limits to my eating. It sinks in slowly.

The first time I read this book, I thought "this isn't me, I dont think about fairness that way, I just want to eat what I want to eat." The second time, I thought, I don't know if it's about fairness, but there is a rebellious streak in me that makes me want to eat this thing. This time, when I am able to stop myself between the thought and the action and identify the feelings and thoughts running through my brain, I think that yes, it is probably a feeling of unfairness and anger and irritation that spurs that rebellious reaction of eating the thing I know I shouldn't be eating if I want to reach my goals. But again, the trick is stopping and identifying the thought and countering it. So, it isn't fair? Oh well, life isn't fair. And it really is about making a choice about whether I want this unfairness of not being able to eat whatever I want versus the unfairness of continuing to gain weight. Oh well oh well oh well. I'd rather be thin!

Idgie, you are so right, it's easy enough to enjoy the advantages of the many unfairnesses that work to our benefit. I also normally realize that I am so lucky in so many ways in ways that so many other aren't... but it's easy to forget them in the moment...

Maria, I'm going to plan a Halloween treat too! Good idea....

Edited by: KRISKECK at: 10/23/2018 (21:33)

It's interesting to reflect that the "not fair" response is most often an issue for me at family gatherings, when my more slender sibling are offering tasty treats and cocktails as part of a celebration. It makes me feel childish again, when we were all so focused on getting the exact same number of cookies or candies, or exactly equal slices of cake. I do try very hard to plan ahead and to overcome these feelings. For the most part, my brothers and sisters are delightful charming adults, and I want to focus on those positives in our relationship instead of what each person eats (or feeling deprived if I can't have exactly the same as everyone else). And I ALSO don't want to be the fattest person in the family photos!!!

I still occasionally experience brief waves of "not fair" especially after practically tripping over all all the holiday chocolate candy and treats in the store aisles right now. To combat this, my go to is "Don't EVEN look" and I don't. I also mentally put up a no fishing sign in my mind (borrowed from Corrie ten Boom's book, "The Hiding Place") which helps stop any further negative thinking or discussion.

I have been planning a small special treat splurge for Halloween. I have it narrowed down to two options all involving chocolate. The anticipation and planning help alleviate my feelings of deprivation. I eat very little sugar so DH lets me plan it all. It's fun and gives us something to look forward to.

I've been feeling exceptionally fortunate lately. I am able to spend money on convenience foods that make it easier to stick to my eating plan in spite of a fractured wrist that makes cooking, washing dishes, and even eating into challenging tasks.

But I also have experienced feeling that it's not fair that others get to eat cake and icecream (for example) when I only get to take a small, measured slice of b'day cake. I think I tend to get angry and annoyed at the people around me when this happens. Not the most helpful feeling Or alternatively, sometimes I feel superior to them because I am in control and they are being self-indulgent.

I am going to work on a more constructive framing, which is that I am doing what I need to take care of myself. Even if this feels "unfair" at the moment ,I am really giving myself a gift and an investment in a long term happier and healthier me.

Sometimes, when I feel like it's unfair that others get to eat how they want, I remember the things that are unfair in my life that actually benefit me: it's not fair that I was born and grew up in a prosperous country when people all over the world are starving. It's not fair that I have a good job when lots of perfectly good people are out of work. Etc. Yet somehow I accept the benefits of that unfairness. "Fair" just isn't something I need to think too much about. Better to think about putting my unfair advantages (like the fact that I seem to have been born to have low cholesterol no matter how fat I get) to their best use.

Unfairness is not my issue either. I am usually aware of how privileged I am. Most times in my life the bad, and unfair things that have happened to me have had really good outcomes eventually. Even being overweight has led me to Spark and Beck and Cognitive Behavior tools that benefit me beyond diet. When I am thinking, when I am rational, I totally buy in to the Advantages of losing weight. Eat a pint of ice cream or be healthy, move easily without foot and joint pain, maintain my vitality, and mental clarity? Not even close. When I do make terrible choices it is not because I have even thought about it long enough to think it is unfair. But the chapter reinforces my Advantages Card. This morning my advantages are very compelling.

Day23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome chapter is again about a specific sabotaging thought:
(It is OK to eat this unplanned food because) others are eating it and it is not fair I can't have it.

I think it is the first time in the book that we look at how eating behaviors of others affect us - so far we dealt with what's going on in our own head! : )
Thinking rationally, of course a calorie is a calorie, whether or not others are eating it,
and (hopefully) I wrote a good food plan last night, incorporating all the calories and nutrients I need for today.

What are you thinking?
Please share here!

We can't judge eating habits based on one meal. If you saw my meals you could think whoa she eats large meals it is not fair... And miss the whole picture that I don't eat snacks only the 3 meals, and everything is planned and measured.

Edited by: KRISZTA11 at: 10/23/2018 (03:01)

When I feel like things are unfair, I will:

1) Remind myself that I committed to do this because I want the results, period.
2) Remember that it's also not fair that my life is so easy when other people's lives are so hard.
3) Remind myself that the people who don't have to diet may not be healthy, or if they are, they are not my business. My body is my business.

Day 23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

This lesson is timely!!!
My son's birthday is Tuesday. Each year he wants a pineapple cherry Jello poke cake with cool whip icing. Tried to talk him into skipping the cake this year- but that went over like a lead balloon. He has been very supportive of my diet and lifestyle change. Not making his birthday cake isn't worth his disappointment. I am going to make the cake. I am only making a small 8" round cake and not a big one but I am making him his cake. Life is unfair.

My counter is that I am going to work it into my plan. I am only making a small cake and not one that we will eat on for days.

I have been turning down, refusing, resisting and avoiding my trigger foods and they are everywhere. Dieting is not fair. Life is not fair.

Working a restricted food into my plan is better then just impulsively eatting a trigger food.

I will reach my goal and I will continue to do what I have to do to lose weight.

Edited by: TNCOUNTRYLIFE at: 7/15/2018 (16:25)

Message Removed

Edited by: AURA18 at: 3/24/2020 (00:35)

Edited by: AURA18 at: 1/23/2019 (07:56)

Oh dear, that Romaine lettuce recall sounds scary!
Yes it is unfair that you had to throw it out, and I guess thousands of others had to waste otherwise perfect Romains. What a waste!
On the other hand, who knows, if you ate it unaware of the recall, you might have got the E.coli infection and get seriously ill.
I loved your analysis of unfairness related to food.

Day 23 Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

I have to really dig deep for this one. Many years ago I was in an abusive marriage and did a lot of therapy around the PTSD that left me nearly paralyzed with fear. So in this therapy I learned how to not be a victim. When I hear the words -- this is unfair, I immediately thing, stop being a victim. But I am sure my mind has found a way to work its magic to twist words around so it doesn't sound like UNFAIRNESS.

I am thinking about this Romaine Lettuce recall. I just bought a package of romaine hearts and I would have eaten them yesterday for dinner, but I already had a head of ice berg in the fridge that was older. So I used it up instead. This morning on TV they are saying to throw out all Romaine. So I am thinking, they can't mean my new lettuce? I have spend half an hour trying to investigate if it is my lettuce, instead of just saying OH WELL, better to be safe than sorry. But somewhere in all of that I am sure is a thinking that this is unfair. Now I have to go out and buy new lettuce and I have wasted money and thrown out what is probably perfectly good food. You see -- it all sounds like the unfairness syndrome.

As far as judging myself against other people, I don't think that has ever been a problem. I know that everyone has a different metabolism, muscle mass, etc. I have lived around a lot of athletes in my life and knew I could never eat the same things they could. Of course I tried to keep up at times and this is a reason for a lot of extra pounds.

My unfairness syndrome rears its ugly heads when it comes to food. I like to eat food that tastes good. When I have made a meal and it isn't delicious, I really feel cheated that I only get a few calories, and this doesn't taste good. So a lot of times I just throw it out and eat something else that I know is going to taste good. What I could do is say to myself, sometimes food is just like medicine, it is what you need and it doesn't always have to be delicious.

I am going to keep thinking about this and see if it comes up.

As I wrote this I just realized that thinking that I have so few calories and I want them to taste good, is in itself saying -- this is unfair that I have to limit my food intake. -- So how to change this? I could change this to a positive - because I want to be healthy and feel good, I am changing my eating habits. One of these habits is to limit my food to a healthy portion that has the right nutrition to feed my body. My emotions will meet their needs in other healthy ways. Because my ARC's are so important to me, I will stay on track with the program I have chosen that will give me the results I want.

Edited by: JMARIES51 at: 4/21/2018 (13:33)

BECK Day 23 - Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

Let’s look at this a different way. Maybe it doesn’t seem fair that other people can eat more than I can without gaining weight,

BUT... is it fair to my body that I’ve eaten so much more than I NEEDED over the years that I’m putting extra strain on my heart, lungs, joints and feet?

OF COURSE IT ISN’T!

So shop and cook mindfully, track your food and water, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, read your BECK daily and embrace the steps you need to take to get in shape. Stop wasting time thinking that it isn’t “FAIR”.

Edited by: MARITIMER3 at: 4/12/2018 (08:47)

Hey Beck Day 23

I used to think life was unfair. I have no thyroid so I feel tired all the time and have very little metabolism to burn off the food. I have a pacemaker which I used as an excuse not to “over-do”. I have a total knee replacement and Achilles tendonitis which is painful almost all the time. I take meds for high BP. And I turn 70 in August!

I used to think of all this as being unfair, but what is the alternative? Sitting in bed all the time and be lazy and gain weight. Staying in the Obese range?

My adult children and I could see not always having what we want and as much as we want, as being unfair.

Instead, won’t it be better instead of thinking of it all being unfair and instead think of it as all opportunities to get and stay healthy? None of us have diabetes, which is a great gift.

I think Jung or someone would have called UNFAIR as STINKING THINKING.

Linda

Counter the Unfairness Syndrome?. Frankly, I don't believe I've experienced unfairness as it relates to food and dieting. I believe I spent more emotional energy in being disappointed that I could eat something I craved. Or maybe I'm focusing some much on resisting the urge to eat until unfairness doesn't come to mind. Nevertheless, "oh well" is the mantra in either case.

I too have a lot of limitations due to 1.inflammation-and I am even reacting to "safe" foods like quinoa that I like so much, for instance-, 2.GERD, 3.tendency to low blood sugar. It is frustrating at times and I tend to cave in after a longer stretch of compliance. I am still working at establishing a way of eating that will not lead me to a binge after a while.

But, no, I never think "unfair". Even when i am with company that can eat everything. It is just a concept that is not in my mindset. (maybe like people who are color blind can't se certain colors?).

"Oh well" is what I really have to work at.

Edited by: 36BEATRICE at: 3/23/2018 (23:58)

I'll admit that I have a habit of feeling it is unfair that others can eat a lot more than me or have desserts and yet still have perfectly normal weights. I have hypothyroidism, I'm post menopausal, and 68 years old and I think I have a slow metabolism (my resting heart rate is 46). My guess is that my body just doesn't need as much food. So I feel it is unfair. Oh well, life is not always fair. I have a lot of advantages in other areas of my life that a lot of people don't have, so I'm grateful for that.

Dirob, I like your attitude towards eating what you want to eat and not feeling it is unfair that you can't eat what others are eating.

www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
ur
nal_individual.asp?blog_id=6475191

Certainly I wish I could eat like I perceive others eat, but I know how I must eat, so I don't worry about it. I could eat (whatever) if I really wanted to, but I have made my choice to eat in a healthy way.

I have mixed emotions about this lesson.

I can eat anything that I want ... just like everyone else.

My body might not process all foods the same as other people ... but I can still eat what ever I want to.

I have over eaten in the past ... that's why I got 100+ pounds over weight.

So for now I chose to eat less and avoid certain foods so I can regain what I once had ... a healthy body.

I have been struggling in the last months with binge eating ... mainly coz of this lesson. I want what I want and need to eat it ALLLLLLLLLL before I start over. I want off the roller coaster.

Interesting that the unfairness syndrome might be the one sabotaging thought that I don’t have. I grew up around dieting and my female family members often joke about “the family tendency� to gain weight. . I tend to normalize self punishment and denial,rather than to think “it’s unfair.�
Of course- that doesn’t keep me from eating the extra piece of cake at a birthday party or tasting all the food at a fancy restaurant. Just not sure that “fairness� is the issue for me.


Edited by: SUZYB53 at: 3/23/2018 (08:46)

I got behind and did Day 22 & Day 23 together. They are sort of along the same line of thinking...dealing with disappointment over not being able to eat like others and dealing with unfairness of the same...similar thought process.

If I think like this, I'm not really aware of it....I don't feel disappointed about not being able to eat certain things or feel my way of eating is unfair because I don't judge what I do based on what others do in the area of eating. I eat to maintain my weight because that's what makes me happy so not eating something doesn't seem unfair because it's a choice I'm making for myself. I also don't put any food in the off limits category so perhaps that helps not to feel like the way I eat is 'unfair'. I choose what I will eat of my own free will so it seems fair & satisfying to me.

On another note, I do much better if I plan my day's eating out in advance. I'm super busy right now and I tend to eat too much toward the end of the day because I haven't eaten enough during the day and that's a bad habit I don't want to continue. Off to plan out today's eating before the day is upon me!

Today's (Day23 Counter the Unfairness Syndrome) chapter is again about a specific sabotaging thought:
(It is OK to eat this unplanned food because) others are eating it and it is not fair I can't have it.

I think it is the first time in the book that we look at how eating behaviors of others affect us - so far we dealt with what's going on in our own head! : )
Thinking rationally, of course a calorie is a calorie, whether or not others are eating it,
and (hopefully) I wrote a good food plan last night, incorporating all the calories and nutrients I need for today.

This used to be a serious issue for me, but not anymore!
This chapter gives many helpful ideas to see this in a different perspective.

For me, these are the most relevant:
"It is not fair that I can't have what X/everyone is eating"

-eating too much has consequences for everyone - not only for me!
Observe people who eat what I cannot have because it is not on my plan.
They may be overweight, not able to lose, or even gaining weight (while I'm at goal)
They may have cravings, struggle to stop eating and suffer from feelings of guilt and shame (while I don't)
They may be at goal weight and follow a healthful diet when I'm not watching (good for them! ; ) )

-life is not fair - and I have many food-related advantages over others
I have access to healthy food and clear water
I get to choose 3 delicious and satisfactory meals every day, and I get to eat them in a safe, calm and beautiful environment
Others may go hungry every day, and may not know if there will be food tomorrow, and even if if there is, it may polluted or lack important nutrients.

Some days are loaded with things to think about. I can already tell that I will need to back to this day and the previous one more than once as I work through what is being written and what it means to me.

A lot has to do with acceptance. Accepting that I am actually dieting. I'm not just "seeing what will happen". I'm deliberately losing weight. And acknowledging that with that does come a feeling of unfairness (for me). I did just want the baby-weight to fall off naturally. And I did just want to stay back in my range without needing to work too hard at it.

The truth is that I do have to restrict my calories. I do have to diet. And, even when I do reach my goal weight, I do have keep working at it. I think there is a deeper truth I need to acknowledge, which is that, although I did not gain a lot of baby weight, I did relax my eating habits, then, and in the last two months of my PhD thesis writing. And I really enjoyed that freedom. However, as we all know, and as Beck writes in this chapter, if I eat too much food I will then gain weight. So, I get it. Do I want to lose weight, or do I want to eat what I like and gain weight. Which will it be? Is this unfair? Or just a reality check?

I'm so close. I look fine and probably the only person on the planet who feels I need to lose these 2 kgs is me. But I need to do this for myself. I need to feel disciplined and in control of my eating habits.

You rephrased this brilliantly, June!
Congrats to reaching 125 pounds!


Edited by: KRISZTA11 at: 11/4/2017 (14:31)

Day 23 - Counter the Unfairness Syndrome ... Overcome feelings of Unfairness

The Beck take in this chapter doesn't really resonate with me. It isn't fair that some people go hungry or die young (this is true) is not the same thing as thinking it isn't fair that I can't eat what everyone else is eating(this is not true). I can eat what everyone else is eating if what they are eating is on my plan. Everyone else who is eating what I want to eat that is not on my plan or are eating sugary and fatty foods are most likely not at their goal weight. If I want to eat what "everyone else is eating" and I want to be at goal weight, that is illogical, not unfair, I don't want to be realistic. Even people at goal weight don't eat whatever they want. According to what I have read, and this seems representative of what I see, 10 % of people can eat whatever they want and stay at goal weight (although I will qualify this with saying these people most likely have no problems with eating when they are truly hungry and stopping when they are full), 40% of people are at a healthy weight but struggle with maintaining it, put effort into not eating whatever they want to, and 40% of people are overweight and eat what they want.
So realistically, be responsible about how you eat, don't say reality is unfair.

Rethinking this day and why Beck might write and seemingly go along with "It's not fair that I can't eat what everyone else is eating". She is pointing out distorted thinking without actually saying that is what she is doing. I think this is an example of cognitive therapy in action. Cognitive therapy is based on the concept that the way people think affects how they feel and what they do (Beck Pink page 20). Cognitive therapy is about changing distorted thinking to realistic thinking. If one thinks "It's not fair that I can't eat what everyone else is eating", one is likely to feel negatively and discouraged about eating on plan. Negative thinking leads to sabotaging thoughts. The original negative thought may be a distorted thinking unrealistic thought, but if one is thinking that way, one feels deprived, uncomfortable ... and thinks eating what they want will solve their negative feelings. It may provide momentary comfort but it does not contribute to their desire to be at goal weight. Changing the thinking to It is fair and realistic that I can choose what to eat, if I eat on plan, I can get to or stay at goal weight, if I eat what everyone else is eating and that includes going higher than my calorie cap for the day, then I can't get to or stay at goal weight. Nothing unfair about it, it is plain reality.
If I want all the benefits of being thinner (being at goal weight), I just can't eat whatever I want without planning, I have to make "I deserve to be thinner (I prefer being healthy and strong at goal weight to being thinner as the diet or lifestyle nutrition goal) and feel good about myself" a much higher priority than "I deserve to make spontaneous choices about what I eat." Beck Pink page 151
You will discover - You'll feel good about turning down food instead of feeling deprived
page 47
At some point you'll shift from "I hate depriving myself" to "I'm so happy I didn't overeat"
page 25

I just hit 125 today, now I have to find a day for the all-day hike. Maybe next Wednesday. The last few days today, yesterday, the day before ... 125 - 126 - 127.5 - 126.5 - 127.5 - 127. I'm feeling really good about that :) :) :) Now to balance out and maintain and then continue toward goal weight (122).

Edited by: JUNEPA at: 11/4/2017 (17:38)

This is not really an issue for me with anything in life. Life is what it is. Everybody has different things thrown at them, everybody is different, accept it and move on. I made a response anyway.

For today
-Read ARC twice
-Ate sitting and mindfully most of the time, and gave myself credit. Monitored fullness after each meal and if I could take a walk.
-Did Sun Salutations this morning and gave myself credit.
-Stayed on plan, No Choice
-Took an unplanned walk today
-Have planned my meals and snacks for tomorrow in Spark Nutritional Tracker and gave
myself credit.
-Read my “It’s Not Okay” and “Get Back on Track” response cards twice
-Wrote a response card dealing with the unfairness issue

Difficult to stick to my chosen "diet"? Yes (major binge last night...back on track today)
Unfair? No, that's the way it is.
The comparison game makes me luckier than some, and worse off than others.

Some how over the last 8ish months eating gluten, dairy, soy and sugar free ... the poor, pitiful, deprived victim feeling went away.

Just this morning ... I told hubby ... I have seen the light and tasted healthy without pain. I want MORE.

I exercised today!!!

Day 23 - Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

I sometimes get de-railed on my healthy eating plan by disappointment. If I get on the scale and don't see what I "think" I should see then later in the day I am more likely to feel I deserve a break. I know in my head that this justs sets me back further; but it can be hard to reason with the little devil sitting on my shoulder. When these situations come up, I need to remind myself that everyone has disappointments in their life and gets discouraged. Continuing to be consistent will pay off in the long term and I just need to concentrate on doing what I need to do for today. Life is not fair and I am soooo lucky that I am dealing with a weight issue rather than not having enough to eat. My problems pale in comparison to issues that others have to deal with and life certainly didn't deal them a fair shake. I need to remind myself that I really need to be grateful instead of resentful. Also need to remember I'm not the only one that is a "sugar addict". I get refined sugar in my system and I just want more more more. Other food combinations have the same effect... basically flour and butter/oil... and add sugar it is nuclear. If I take even one bite of uncooked cookie dough, brownie mix, things like that it is a bomb. Again just need to remember "Not My Food" and have a fruit plate or something similar that will satisfy that urge.

This is not an issue for me. I chose to limit the types and quantities of food that I eat. It's an educated choice. I pretty much know what I'm in for. How can I say something is unfair if I'm the one who chose it?

It's no different than choosing to leave my raincoat at home when there are dark clouds looming, and then getting upset when it rains and I get wet. Unfair? Nope. Just following the predictable course of events.

Or, knowing that I get a 12-hour lift from a cup of coffee, yet choosing to meet friends at the coffee shop after work. Fair or not, I'll be awake until 4 a.m. I know that, and sometimes I do it anyway. But unfair? Nope. Just predictable. Oh well.

What would be fair about chowing down a double cheese pizza, a party bag of Ruffles and a pan of brownies and still maintaining a healthy weight and healthy body? That's not how it works, people. The body cries, "Foul! It's not fair to treat me that way and then expect to stay vibrant and healthy!" This amazing body is made to run on premium fuel. It's unfair to damage it with substandard fuel. Be good to your bod!

I'm in for Day 23. Going off to read other's blogs as Kriszta suggests.

www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
ur
nal_individual.asp?blog_id=6424111

This used to be a serious issue for me, but not anymore!
This chapter gives many helpful ideas to see this in a different perspective.

For me, these are the most relevant:
"It is not fair that I can't have what X/everyone is eating"

-eating too much has consequences for everyone - not only for me!
Observe people who eat what I cannot have because it is not on my plan.
They may be overweight, not able to lose, or even gaining weight (while I'm at goal)
They may have cravings, struggle to stop eating and suffer from feelings of guilt and shame (while I don't)
They may be at goal weight and follow a healthful diet when I'm not watching (good for them! ; ) )

-life is not fair - and I have many food-related advantages over others
I have access to healthy food and clear water
I get to choose 3 delicious and satisfactory meals every day, and I get to eat them in a safe, calm and beautiful environment
Others may go hungry every day, and may not know if there will be food tomorrow, and even if if there is, it may polluted or lack important nutrients.



Edited by: KRISZTA11 at: 10/23/2017 (03:22)

Edited by: AURA18 at: 5/24/2018 (09:03)

I like the Response Card to this! I read it every day along with the other Response Cards. Sure, when I start my new job, I will be experiencing those thoughts when it comes to cooking or prepping meals after work when I'm tired. Sure when I'm feeling stressed and i want to go out to eat instead of eating the lunch i packed i will experience those thoughts. the list goes on and on! But, All is Fair in Love and War :D

I don't get caught up in the unfairness thing either. I have the choice to do this and I know some feel like a victim that they have to do this, but I don't. I don't have to do this, I chose to.

I think because it is my choice to diet, my choice of what foods I eat and my choice to pursue a healthier life I don't get caught up in the fairness thing. Instead I feel blessed to have access to enough food to have a weight problem! Many don't through no fault of their own and that is what's unfair.

Being overweight is unfair ... and I have control over this.

I focus on allllllll the great things that I have to eat and enjoy each bite.

No more pity parties.

I am not expert but I think you have your head on straight! When we can turn things around and see the good or how blessed/lucky we are then I believe only good will follow. Reminding ourselves of how fortunate we are is key!

Edited by: UPTOIT59 at: 3/24/2017 (17:59)

Day 23 - Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

I sometimes get de-railed on my healthy eating plan by disappointment. If I get on the scale and don't see what I "think" I should see then later in the day I am more likely to feel I deserve a break. I know in my head that this justs sets me back further; but it can be hard to reason with the little devil sitting on my shoulder. When these situations come up, I need to remind myself that everyone has disappointments in their life and get discouraged. Continuing to be consistent will pay off in the long term and I just need to concentrate on doing what I need to do for today. Life is not fair and I am soooo lucky that I am dealing with a weight issue rather than not having enough to eat. My problems pale in comparison to issues that others have to deal with and life certainly didn't deal them a fair shake. I need to remind myself that I really need to be grateful instead of resentful.


Edited by: GOING-STRONG at: 3/24/2017 (22:24)

Day 23: Counter the Unfairness Syndrome

Not a problem for me anymore. When I see people eating something I shouldn't, I actually feel good about it. I've accepted what I need to do to achieve my health and wellness goals. I like the way I feel and look and that's the motivation I need to pass on foods that I enjoy but can't have at that time.