HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH YOUR LOSS

HOW I DEAL WITH MY LOSSES? I SAY PRAYERS AND TAKE 1 DAY AT A TIME. tHAT HELPS SOME, BUT I'M STILL DEALING THE DEATH OF MOM. SHE WILL BE GONE STARTING ON SEPTEMBER 3 AND MISS TALKING TO HER. WE WOULD TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.

Sorry for your losses. I know pet losses can be felt very strongly, too. I had adopted my brother's gold capped conure after he passed, and felt so honored to have him, "Goldy." Then a year later after my brother's passing, the bird got sick and passed. I felt so bad. He passed in the birdie ER. I would have rather been with him when he passed, but I had to work. I actually left work early that day to see him, praying that he would wait for me. He had literally just passed when I got there. I later had a dream that both he and my brother were in my backroom. I was so happy to see them, and so happy that they were together.

I LOST MY DAD IN 1/2000, AND COULD NOT GO TO HIS FUNERAL. MY OLDER SISTER IN 5/2002 HAD TO FLY TO ALASKA TO HELP HER KIDS WITH THE FUNERAL, LOST MY MOM IN 9/2009, TOMMY CAT 9/ 2010 (OUR CAT, GIZMO 9/9/2010, AND MY WALKING BUDDY 12/2011. SO YOU CAN SEE WHY I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE PETS. WE ALSO HAD A GERMAN SHEPARD DOG IN 9/2007.IT TOOK ME AWHILE TO GET OVER MY MOM'S DEATH AND NOW BUDDY IN 12/2011

I didn't deal with my losses very well, as they came in succession very quickly. First my Dad passed. Then I got my identity stolen. Then my best friend passed with cancer. Then the brother closest to my age passed, and then my mom passed, all in a one year time period.

Thereafter, my pals continued to pass from cancer and the like. Another brother passed. I almost (but thankfully not) lost my remaining brother. (He survived a heart attack called the "widow maker.") I had so many losses that I just continued forward for years until I finally couldn't move forward anymore.

I am now taking the time to heal for myself. I hope that no one gets into my situation. You have to find a way to deal with your loss, or it can make you very ill.

I hope that everyone is taking time to heal from their losses. A good therapist can be invaluable, too.

I realized - while I don't really know what I do to deal with my loss - I know what I DON'T do: EAT. Or drink, or party hard, or drive insanely fast in the middle of the night on winding deserted roads, or any of the other self-destructive and risk-taking behaviors of the past. But MOST of all...
I DON'T BINGE!

Even though DH has been gone for large blocks of time for the last three days, I didn't binge/overeat at all! I reached for fruits and veggies, tracked my food without being obsessive about it, and get this: I didn't even have to fight myself to do it!

It's my DD's 25th birthday today, and it's been a rough day for me emotionally. Between her being in Colorado now instead of a few blocks away, and facing another milestone without Scott, and feeling guilty about being sad when it's her happy day...

My heart literally HURT today.

But, I made it through, and had a good day too! DD Aubs and I had a long talk, and I got a lot of work done, watched a movie and napped. Now, back to work, Sparking and so forth, and then bed. It wasn't just like any other day; but, I realized, survivable!

Edited by: MIMAWELIZABETH at: 8/9/2010 (05:04)

I am still going from catastrophe to catastrophe here. (having no water and having to replace 2 breaker boxes with one maybe not solving the problem to more breakers, my car being in and out of the shop for almost a month and a half now (4 times) and he still hasn't got it fixed), my mom having heart problems and having to take her to ER, a propane leak in a tank the propane company had inspected and losing $250 worth of propane they are not wanting to replace, my floor in my bedroom falling 5 inches which has led to having a new foundation being put under that addition,a window about to fall out because of the old foundation shifting and roof leaks, etc.) I don't know if this is good or bad. The repairs needed done, and it does keep my mind on other things and not my grief for long periods of time.

That seems to be the key for me to keep a balance in my life is to get busy and keep busy. If I run out of things to do I tackle another part of the house work that has been neglected and throw myself into that. Of course, that has pit falls in that I run across my dh's things and that can make me sad or happy depending on how it hits me, but generally it works out and as long as I choose positive things I can usually stay pretty positive.

It is those slow days that get me when I don't have anything to do but think. Then I think of my dh and cry and cry and get all distraught, so maybe the Lord knows what he is doing to help me and also give me periods of comfort. Also, as I deal with calamities I find I feel more confident and that gives me strength to deal with other calamities. It is just so unnerving to go through them, though.

Well, I am not sure where I am now. If I am in a lull before another storm or just have a day's respite. However, today has not been bad so far, but of course I have only been up for 2 hours. LOL

I found a poem I wish to share - "My Mom is a Survivor" - but I'm going to post it in a new thread, so new readers have a chance to see it too. Thank you, Heila, for your kind words. A lot of people have said that Scott lived life so fully - and touched so many people's lives - in the short time he had, it was enough for two lifetimes... TRUE!

I appreciate your watching Scott's video... I don't know how I managed to help put that together for his funeral, but it will always be the perfect reminder of his life. (A professional did the tech, and my friend/his Godmother was with me for support during the decision-making time.)

Elizabeth, thank you so much for this post. You have helped me realise what a deep person you are.

I managed to watch Scott's Eulogy this morning and it left me sobbing uncontrollably. What a beautiful memory to your beautiful son. The music is so moving too I will remember this forever.

He is blessed to have a Mother like you. He is loved beyond measure and will live within your heart forever.

My impression is that Scott lived his life to the full and this is so wonderful to behold.

God Bless You and your beautiful family.

Heila

Edited by: HEILAS at: 7/5/2010 (23:44)

I think the term "the new norm" fits perfectly, Elizabeth. I am trying to discover what that is for sure.

I've been looking at this thread for days, trying to think of how I can contribute. Overall, I don't think I AM dealing with the loss of my son Scott - at least that's the way it feels most of the time. The sadness weighs so heavily on me. Only with my precious GD Kaile do I "forget" that I am alive and he is not.

Char, I understand what you mean about people looking at you like you should be "getting over it" (although in your case, at three months, they're crazy to think so). At first, people thought I was SO strong... Now, it's been over two years, and most people are discomforted by how deeply I'm still grieving!

I'm still shattered by my son's death, but I do see ways in that I AM "better." For example, I am able to talk about Scott, even to explain how he died, without breaking down into inconsolable tears. I get mixed reactions, but it seems that for MOST people, for ME to talk about Scott is too difficult for THEM.

How do I directly deal with grief? I lost my Mom at 19, my Dad at 32 after a reconciled estrangement, two pregnancies, and the death of two marriages through acrimonious divorces. There's been a lot of loss in my life, but when I'm asked this question, all my references go to my son Scott - his is the deepest blow.

Well, like Heila, I often listen to music that reminds me of Scott, of faith, of family, and of our love. He's my first-born: he literally saved me from myself, and the downward spiral I was in (drinking heavily, reckless behavior). For him - first, for a safe pregnancy, and then to keep him - I changed my life.

I watch his memorial video, even though I know I will cry harder than ever. Sometimes I watch the news report about his death (it's on my DVR). I've also recorded songs and bits of movies that relate to him, both sad AND fun. I also go on YouTube, and watch videos of "Scott" songs, and sing along for as long as I can...

Yes, it all causes the deep sadness to come out, and I know I will not be able to stop the tears and heartbreak... but I feel like that ALL the time! It sits inside of me, with nowhere to go; although it will occasionally overwhelm me and I "cry for no reason." Letting my feelings out in this private way is a relief.

Oh my, I sound like a basket case, one step away from being sent to the nut house. Obviously, posting on a thread like this helps! It makes me think about it - to be conscious. I also search online; I found a phrase that helps me explain to myself how to deal with - well, with everything: "A New Normal."

Unfortunately, this phrase has been taken by economists and applied to business, but it's in the original forms that it's most true: when you've lost a loved one - or been diagnosed with cancer - life will never be the same. To survive it mentally, we must realize and develop a "new normal" for our lives.

Most of the time, I'm stuck... but, sometimes, like at a moment like THIS, I'm working on it! Elizabeth~

I have good days and bad days. The past 3 months have been very hard.

Having lost my soul mate and then my mother a year later was a double whammy.

I have been truly blessed and for this I am eternally grateful. To have been loved to the enth degree and loving in return the same way this love will remain in my heart forever.

I still feel the pain of my immense loss and always will just need to learn to live with it a bit better.

My heart goes out to everyone who is dealing with

the same pain.

The link below is a song by Josh Grobin which helps with my pain.


God Bless You.

Heila www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUfTlEoVqbE&
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Edited by: HEILAS at: 7/1/2010 (00:48)

I LOOK TO THE LORD FOR SUPPORT. I ALSO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES MY SISTER AND I HAD. KNOWING CANCER CAN'T HURT HER ANY MORE AND KNOWING SHE IS IN HEAVEN NOW. I WILL SEE HER AGAIN ONE DAY.

Hello Char,
I know that it's hard to deal with a loss of a family member or friend. Try to think of it this way: at least he/she is no longer suffering, they are in a better place, watching us daily from heaven, and to keep you safe from harm. I have s shoulder to lean on if you need it. spark me if you need to talk and I will read it. Might give you an opinion or just to listen. Remember we are here for you any time.

Trying to deal with the loss of my Mom is difficult. She will be gone 10 months on July 2. We were so close that we had the same thoughts and said them on the phone each and every time we would talk on the phone. My youngest son lost his great uncle this past week.

Char those people who think you should forget in 3 months are them. You are you and I am I and we never ever forget we learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one remeber always his good qualities and how much fun you two had and never forget any of this this will always keep you going now and forever!

Read my last three blogs on my spark page and you can pretty much learn these answers.

I am so busy just trying to stay afloat here that I don't have time to think much and I guess that is good. I cry when I do think too much.

I try to focus on others and other things to keep me going. I play my fiddle at the nursing homes on Wednesday and that has proved as big of a blessing for me as them.

Holding friends close and not withdrawing seems to work best for me. If it were not for friends asking me eat with them, coming by and helping with the things I need help with, and generally keeping me moving, I would be in deep dark depression I am sure.
God has been a major source of strength and his mercies to me answers to my prayers have sustained me. Never forget to pray and expect answers. Write it down so you can see later how your prayers have been answered.

I am still reeling here and things don't get better quickly even though there are those who think that in a few months you should be over it and carrying on fine. Wait until they lose a soul mate, though some people are never lucky enough to have someone they are that close to.

Hi everyone we need to get back to what our team is all about. Lets state what helps us in our motivation to keep going. I lost my mom in 1991 and I miss her terribly i always wanted to call her then and every day now. I think if i dial the number she will be there. I have learned to deal with it as she always taught me to love from the heart and she had a heart of gold. I have that in me and i know i am the same way she is so my dealing with her loss is knowing that i am my mom so i can say she is with me each and everyday and every minute of everyday. I know she is with me when our song plays in the car and i know she is listening me sing to her thats what keeps me going.I have her picture by my bedside and i kiss her goodnight everynight i know she is there with me also.