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BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (331,682)
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8/25/11 12:28 A

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Healing and recovery is an interesting process. My experience is that it is definitely *not* a one-time deal: "OK, I'll deal with it now, and then it will be over with and everything will be fine." Pleasant fantasy, perhaps, but neither reality nor truth. Nor have I found it to be constant. As my first, (what a blessing she was!) therapist predicted, I worked intensively for a time, took some time off, came back, took some years off, and have returned at a different level.

I'm OK with not being "all fixed." Life is mostly very good, I'm still learning, I'm doing what I can to encourage and support others with similar wounds and struggles, even as I continue to heal myself. Nurturing all the parts of me, and reaching out to connect with positive people is a large part of my recovery program.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.

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SARAHO228's Photo SARAHO228 Posts: 566
8/24/11 9:49 P

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I stay away from people and situations that trigger nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes it is hard to do. I write poetry and working out can help too. I try to do and think about things that make me happy. I went back to school. I started reading about semi precious stone magic which can effect chakra energies of the body and can help heal. I try to keep the idea that a person cannot treat another person like cr*p and not expect karma to get them later in life one way or the other.

It was rough trying to get over it. It is still rough and that was over 10 years ago. I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol for comfort because I've seen what they do to people (drugs was the abusers problem). I got therapy. I tried talking about it, but after awhile got tired of hearing myself talk over and over about it. I just wanted to get on with my life. So I guess I blocked out some things.

I do not forgive. Because he is sociopath (antisocial he was diagnosed) and doesn't care about anything and hates women (not in his words he used the "c" word to describe what he thinks of all women). So there is no point in it.

Edited by: SARAHO228 at: 8/24/2011 (22:06)
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MYSTIC_ANGEL13's Photo MYSTIC_ANGEL13 Posts: 159
8/8/09 3:01 P

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It took me years and how I did it was easier said than done... I forgave them and gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling. Now I just watch my thoughts and make sure I am not telling myself negetive things... I became my own best friend....

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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,414
8/7/09 11:31 P

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Emma my dear, I too have had to face the issues you describe, but not with a small child.

By the time I got into therapy I was in my thirties and my children were teenagers.

I turned to alcohol when I was young to try and get rid of the pain and trauma of my young life. As it turned out although I did not know it then, alcoholism runs in our family and I sure took to it like a duck takes to water. It did kill the pain for me for many years, but finally no amount got rid of the pain or depression, and by that time guilt of what I was doing. I have been sober thankfully for the last 39 year in AA. And that is where I discovered the AA programme and that was an absolute gift from God at a time I did not believe in God really. It was made so simple because I did not have to believe in the sort of God I had been brought up with, I could choose my own concept of a loving understanding God. Words can play such an enormous part in our lives. If you have learned Father is not a name that means love and forgiveness, there is very little chance of trusting a God who is called Father, or Lord. It was made so easy for me to come to believe in a Creator who was all those things I never had in my life, and the programme led me into therapy some years later where I was able to deal with my childhood trauma, and the voices and personality splits. It took time and patience, because I found it came in spurts. The memories or flashbacks, would come in bursts of several and I would work through those, then I would get a period of relative calm, and then the next batch would start up. I have no idea whether they are all finished now, but I have had no flashbacks for many years. When they started up again I always knew it was time to start the next therapy cycle. I can remember saying, Oh no, not again, surely not again, but I always went and did the work that was necessary, because the more I went on the more I discovered about myself and began to love myself and understand that all those awful things that had happened to me were not my fault, even though perhaps I had been blamed for them.

I did finally balanace my personality so that now all the voices are my own and I can resolve conflict within myself by finding out what is going on inside.

Forgiveness for myself and those who have abused me is a wonderful place to be in. Hanging on to anger and fear keeps us imprisoned too. But getting free is a journey, not something we can accomplish by wishing it would go away. I used all the tecniques others have mentioned also. The journalling is such a wonderful help.

Loving thoughts Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
JANETLEE40's Photo JANETLEE40 Posts: 3,253
7/23/09 4:28 P

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I have to agree with Laura too.
I myself was molested for 12years (mother knew about it) mentally and physically abused as well by my mother. I was teased by kids because I was "different". It turned me into a strong survivor. When I took therapy 5 years ago (depression and flashbacks were overwhelming) many new images came forward. Today, I still have flashbacks, but deal with them one at a time. I write them down in a journal type book and immediately write any feelings that I am feeling. Even if it is angry words....that is your book to vent and face the pain. I close the book and proceed to start up whatever I had plan for the day or moment and forget about it. Later, when I am calm, I go back to the book, review it, and open the Bible and find passages that help me on my journey to recovery and forgiveness.
I discovered alot of new things about me when I was in therapy...I am a fantastic organizer and that comes from trying to put order into my life where my past failed me. I am an excellent listener, because that's what I always wanted from others. I am my three daughters best friend, because I knew how I wanted to be treated and wasn't. I am calm during a crisis (earthquakes, fires, etc) because the abuse is worse than all things on this earth.
You can learn from your past and you become a stronger individual each day. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!! AND YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!!!!
Two of my daughters are grown and have moved on ...I have one left. I look at what I have accomplished and see how beautiful of individuals they have become and I know I did the best I could. That is a great reward in itself.
You are doing great and you will make it. MANY HUGS TO YOU!!!!
P.S. when things start getting hectic and chaotic in your life...take a break...read a book, listen to soft sounds, if you have a cat sit and pet him/her and talk to them, take a long bath with a candle (when no one is around or lock the door and say this is my time don't bother me)...we all need a break and time for ourselves. Chores will still be there waiting even after you do them. So be kind to yourself. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Edited by: JANETLEE40 at: 7/23/2009 (16:35)
Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever

achieve greatly.”

“Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you have tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible f

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NIKKIR123's Photo NIKKIR123 Posts: 362
5/23/09 8:38 P

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I love your advice Laurie. I myself have been through emotional and mental abuse as a child and most days I think about it. I don't talk to my abuser very often, but when I do I get angry. I find myself taking it out on my husband and my child, but not the way I experienced it. I just get mad. I have to learn to get past it. For me, I lean a lot on my husband and we talk about it a lot.


It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.- Eleanor Roosevelt

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CD1702105 Posts: 6,546
3/15/09 8:35 P

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I can only speak for myself, but my faith, my husband and my Christian doctors one being a therapist have been the greatest help.

HEALTHYBEAR24's Photo HEALTHYBEAR24 Posts: 13,108
3/15/09 7:36 P

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I focus on the positive influences and accomplishments in my life. I did get counseling and it did help me with the voices in my head. Welcome to our team, Em.

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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
3/15/09 6:59 P

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Emma...it is an ongoing process for me. I have raised 4 kids and they are all gone onto their own lives now. I have been married for over 32 years and have an understanding and supportive hubby. I have 4 great kids who have been affected but have not done anything but love me regardless of my past.
I think the most IMPORTANT thing is to NOT let the past ruin for life now. I did not abuse my kids. I did not call them names or beat them or neglect them like I was raised.
Spending my life making it go to a GOOD place is what I have done.
I carry a lot of baggage with my past and the flashbacks are there for me. I have blogged and written in my journals and have talked to people about my past.
I quit drinking and drugs many years ago. I have God in my life and he helps me cope.
There are wonderful people here at Sparks who will help you on your journey.
Don't give up on you! Your son needs you and you will get through this...like I said, do NOT let the past ruin what you have now.

I am here for you.

Edited by: LAURIE1076 at: 3/15/2009 (19:02)

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.

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EMMA78 Posts: 140
3/15/09 3:20 P

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hi all,
i was wondering how you cope with life and the flash back and live with stress.

I my self is so full of anger. As i was born with no mental health and with life and how people treated me i develop personality disorder and recurrent depression.

i have used distraction and try and focus on one thing at a time. But the thing is that therapy is giving me more questions and there for need to look at different stuff IE co dependency , disassociation , hearing voices.
If that not enough to go with i have my past to deal with.
how do you deal with all of this and work and keep a house going and be stable enough to look after my son.

how do you do it ?
em xx

Thanks for takeing the time out to care and help me.
with love
em xxx

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