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JUDY1676's Photo JUDY1676 Posts: 798,306
1/27/20 1:34 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
* Speak kindly
* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
Sparkle N Shine
Grandpas and Grandmas Are Special
Sensational 60's and Beyond
Creating A New YOU
Northwest Iowa
World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
New Beginnings
Passing the Spark
Over 60's


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1/27/20 12:13 P

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Sue of Seattle, WA
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1/27/20 12:13 P

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Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."

ME: Do I hear the screams?

laughfactory.com


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1/27/20 12:13 P

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LOL



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1/26/20 4:20 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
* Speak kindly
* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
Sparkle N Shine
Grandpas and Grandmas Are Special
Sensational 60's and Beyond
Creating A New YOU
Northwest Iowa
World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
New Beginnings
Passing the Spark
Over 60's


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1/26/20 12:49 P

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LOL



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1/25/20 1:20 P

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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and
two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.


Val

Moving More! Eating Less!
Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!

NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 49,330
1/25/20 12:40 P

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1/25/20 12:40 P

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Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

laughfactory.com


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1/25/20 12:40 P

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Education vs. Denial: "Fruit & Veggies/Recommended by the World Health Organization"; "Meat&Dairy/Whatever"



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1/25/20 12:03 A

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Val

Moving More! Eating Less!
Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!

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1/24/20 2:36 P

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1/24/20 2:36 P

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from DEE107
In morning service at our church, the pastor asked the
congregation if anyone had something to thank God for.
An elderly gentleman rose to his feet and said, "I want
to thank God for my new hearing aid. Now I can hear
you." He paused before adding with a smile, "When I
want to."

- From Da Mouse Tracks


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1/24/20 2:36 P

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1/23/20 3:15 P

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1/23/20 3:15 P

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Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!
Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.
Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS. (And politics!)
laughfactory.com


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1/23/20 3:14 P

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1/22/20 1:37 P

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1/22/20 1:37 P

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Q. What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns?
A. Go for the juggler.
Q. Why are mountains not just funny?
A. They are also hill areas.
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many Cheetahs!
Q: Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
A: Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What happens when you play a country song backwards?
A: You get a new truck, a new wife, and a new dog.
Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.
laughfactory.com


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1/22/20 1:37 P

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"I'll have what he's having, but change his order to the vegetarian special."



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1/21/20 1:33 P

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"Tell me when it's over, Doc."



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1/20/20 11:53 A

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1/20/20 11:53 A

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Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

laughfactory.com


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1/20/20 11:53 A

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1/19/20 1:38 P

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1/19/20 1:37 P

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"I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day."

gramma's funnies

ME: PWILLOW1 added in the comments: "A friend of mine tried that diet but he too got hit. He was chasing a little Frence Poodle across the highway."


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1/19/20 1:37 P

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1/18/20 5:04 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
* Speak kindly
* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
Sparkle N Shine
Grandpas and Grandmas Are Special
Sensational 60's and Beyond
Creating A New YOU
Northwest Iowa
World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
New Beginnings
Passing the Spark
Over 60's


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1/18/20 1:33 P

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1/18/20 1:33 P

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Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
Q: Which two letters in the alphabet are always jealous?
A: NV.
Q: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, what happens?
A: UCLA.
Q: A cowboy left Montana to go to Texas on Friday and came back on Friday. How did he do it?
A: He named his horse Friday.
Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: "Someday my prints will come."
laughfactory.com


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1/18/20 1:32 P

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1/17/20 12:13 P

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1/17/20 12:13 P

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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

laughfactory.com


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1/17/20 12:13 P

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"I knew it was too good to be true when my horoscope said I was going to get poked by a younger man."



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1/16/20 1:18 P

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1/16/20 1:17 P

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"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Nobel."
"Nobel who?"
"No bell that's why I knocked."

laughfactory.com


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1/16/20 1:17 P

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Much like his old truck, a plugger himself has been "refurbished." High and low beam "headlight" (bifocals). Valve job (heart). Security system (suspenders). Joint replacement (knee). New treads (walking shoes).



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1/15/20 1:34 P

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A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

laughfactory.com


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1/15/20 1:34 P

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1/15/20 1:59 A

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Val

Moving More! Eating Less!
Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!

NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 49,330
1/14/20 1:15 P

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1/14/20 1:14 P

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Q: Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
A: They always get stuck at "c."
Q: Can a match box?
A: No, but a tin can.
Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.
Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.
Q: Why is a river rich?
A: It has banks on both sides.
Q: Why is a river rich?
A: It has banks on both sides.
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: "Meet you at the corner!"

laughfactory.com


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1/13/20 1:21 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
* Speak kindly
* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
Sparkle N Shine
Grandpas and Grandmas Are Special
Sensational 60's and Beyond
Creating A New YOU
Northwest Iowa
World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
New Beginnings
Passing the Spark
Over 60's


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1/13/20 12:49 P

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Q: How do you create light by using water?
A: Clean the windows!
Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
A: Take it to the doc.
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Between you and me, there's something that smells.
Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
A: Because she ran away from the ball.
Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.
Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.

laughfactory.com


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1/12/20 4:02 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
* Speak kindly
* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
Sparkle N Shine
Grandpas and Grandmas Are Special
Sensational 60's and Beyond
Creating A New YOU
Northwest Iowa
World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
New Beginnings
Passing the Spark
Over 60's


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1/12/20 2:42 P

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1/12/20 2:42 P

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1/12/20 2:41 P

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Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

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1/11/20 8:44 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
* Speak kindly
* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
Sparkle N Shine
Grandpas and Grandmas Are Special
Sensational 60's and Beyond
Creating A New YOU
Northwest Iowa
World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
New Beginnings
Passing the Spark
Over 60's


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1/11/20 1:37 P

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Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

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"I inherited all these cookbooks from my Mom! Just not her desire to actually use them!"




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1/10/20 4:32 P

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Sue of Seattle, WA
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1/10/20 4:32 P

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn’t know what costume she’d be wearing, she thought she’d have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn’t around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.
She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said “Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “You know, I didn’t dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you…from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

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Sue of Seattle, WA
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1/10/20 4:31 P

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Vasco da Gama encounters the most savage tribe of all: "I can't really understand what they're saying, but I think they call themselves "lawyers".




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1/9/20 6:47 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 49,330
1/9/20 1:59 P

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Sue of Seattle, WA
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1/9/20 1:59 P

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Two old ladies were discussing their husbands over tea. “I wish that my Robert would stop biting his nails. It gets me very upset. “My Calvin used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.” “How?” the first women asked “I hid his teeth.”

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