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A doctor finally saw his patient after a month of trying to contact him. The doctor said: “I see you’re over a month late for your check-up. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”

The patient answered: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”

“Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”

The patient said: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates. They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife’s interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. “How much will this cost us?” asked the husband. “Nothing,” St. Peter responded. “This is Heaven- everything is free!”
Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. “This is… stupendous,” the wife asked. “What are the green fees?” Again, St. Peter said “Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of.”
Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat.
“How much-“
“Again, free,” St. Peter responded to the wife. “This is Heaven.”
The husband paused. “Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?”
St. Peter chuckled. “In Heaven, you don’t have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick.”
Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man’s wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier.
“What’s the matter???” the wife asked. “Why aren’t you happy here???”
The man responded, “This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren’t for your ‘bran muffins’ and ‘paleo chicken’ recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!”
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A minister in a little church announced: "Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -Jack Benny
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A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes.

"I'll have a 'jumbo jet'," he said.

When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.

He called his waiter over. "Was that the 'jumbo jet'?" he asked.

"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"
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An old minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, using his new dentures, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures and I couldn’t shut up.”
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A senior citizen was chatting with his 80-year-old buddy.
“So I hear you’re getting married?”

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Nah, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

“Well, then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!”
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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the Mother superior.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun.
“After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun.

“You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“IS THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Mother Superior.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the xxxx putt, didn’t you?”
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The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see …size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9- ˝ E.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said “Let’s see…size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
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I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… when I farted loudly.

One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!”

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next.”
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Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Officer: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Officer: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.....never really noticed.

Officer: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Officer: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Officer: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Officer: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2020, pearl white Ram Limited 4x4 manufactured September 16th, with 6.41 Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

Husband choking up

Officer: Take it easy sir. We'll find your truck.
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A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.

When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,

“I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.

I’ll have to get back to you then.”

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”
“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”
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If you were in a race and passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?

2nd place!
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When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
.. Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop: .. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained.

"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
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“In some large stores it is now illegal to buy more than one package of toilet paper.

The police have named it 'The Big Crack Down'.”
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. - W.C. Fields
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"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.

"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"
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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner
.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
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My Wife's Attention

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention?

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.
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One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

Several days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
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Edited by: SUNSET09 at: 4/30/2020 (00:09)
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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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The Collins family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. For generations, their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between Canada and the United States. Mrs. Collins, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and two grandchildren.

One day, her son rushed into her room with a letter in his hand. "Mom, I have some news," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother replied. "Jump at it! Call them immediately and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something!

No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
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A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25˘ each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watchin
g these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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Did I Go Back In Time?

It's like being 16 again.
Gas is cheap and I'm Grounded!!!
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A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.

Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.

Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.

After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.

The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."
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This doctor always got really stressed out at work. So every day on his way home, he'd stop and see his friend Dick, the bartender. Dick would know the doctor was coming, and he'd have an almond daiquiri ready for him.

The doctor would come in and have his almond daiquiri and go home. One day Dick ran out of almonds, and he thought, "Well, the doctor won't know the difference." So he cut up this hickory nut and made a daiquiri with it.

When the doctor came by, Dick put the drink in front of him. The doctor took a sip and said, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" And Dick said, "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
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Guru: "If at first you don't succeed…"

Charlie Brown: "Finish that sentence and you're a dead man."
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Debbie

Lives in Texas

From Pa.



To love is to become the bright, shining soul that God meant for you to become. by Joseph J. Mazzella
Lift up your eyes all around then you shall see and become radiant, and your heart shall swell with joy (Isaiah 60:4-5).


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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
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An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage.

Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.

She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there.

Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers,

"Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner.

The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
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The sergeant was in one of his rare moods as he lectured the recruits. "Let me ask you a simple question, what is fortification?"

There was no response. Nor did any of the rookies answer when he repeated the question.

Walking up to the new man who looked closest to normal, the sergeant barked right into his face, "What is fortification?"

The soldier gulped and managed an answer, "Two twentifications, Sarge!"
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The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”

The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: “Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come back.”

The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life.”

Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.”

The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”
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You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”
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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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Lady: "Is this my train?"

Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."

Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."

Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."
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A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
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Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.

Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!

Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.

Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.

Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.

Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS.
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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
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Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.
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A man on a train got pretty chummy with the passengers. He said to a group, "I can tell you fellows what you are__"

He said to one,"You're a blacksmith."
"Yes"

To another he said "You're a lawyer"
"Yes"

He looked at a little dried up, weazened man and said, "You're a preacher."
"No, I'm not" said the man, "I've just been sick three weeks."
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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health.

To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.

That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him,

"I walk five miles every morning!"
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Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return.

I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
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A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks, “Can I help you, sir?”

The man answers, “What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?”

The bartender says, “That would be $2.60.”

“Alright, I’ll have one,” says the man. He takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and throws them all on the ground. The bartender doesn’t want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.

A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge so when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The man drinks his coffee leaving the change on the ground.

A few minutes later he throws two dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
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Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying, "Shh, not another word." is super romantic.

However police don't seem to think so
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An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peaceful away, he is half aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches it as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese scones which he hasn't tasted in years, a wonderful tang of sharp Cheddar humming musically with a hint of paprika. And if anything could bring a man back from the dead...

He feels the tingle of returning circulation in his fingers and toes, and with trembling hands, he pushes the blankets aside and swings his feet to the floor. At first faltering, his steps become increasingly assured as he makes his way to the stairs and down to the kitchen.

There, on the cooling rack, are two dozen fresh-baked cheese scones, deliciously hot and steaming slightly, while his wife is bent over preparing a second batch for the oven.

With faltering hands he reaches out for one of the cheese scones... And his wife, without turning around, raps his knuckles with the wooden spoon and snaps, "Don't even think about it - they're for the funeral!"
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A grasshopper sits down at a bar.

The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve?'"
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A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow.”
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Some Police Quotes

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility …

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.”
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.”

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said –“I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!”
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9/12/19 8:52 A
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I stole a razor and shaved with it . . .

In case any of you are looking for a smooth criminal
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
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8/21/19 10:15 A
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Two men were in a restaurant and they both ordered a serving of fish.

The waiter brought over a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said politely to the other: “Please help yourself.”

The other one nodded, reached forward to the plate and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said angrily: “Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!”

With a mouth full of fish, the other replied: “What are you complaining for; you have it, don’t you?”
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8/19/19 8:22 A
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The sun came out and dried up all the rain. No sign of Itsy Bitsy. Spider family worried. Film at 11.
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8/15/19 11:14 A
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8/5/19 11:06 P
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My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
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A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
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7/23/19 8:30 P
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My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles
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Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
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On the way home, I saw a cop pull over a U-haul truck. Apparently he wanted to "bust" a move!
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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. “What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle.”
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There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.

All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who was saying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" asked the burgler. "Yes," replied the parrot. "By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.

"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?" "The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"
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In class, the teacher was trying desperately to get the students to think.

He asked, “If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?”

One student quickly responded, “Their age.”
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It's getting warm out . . . I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on a mosquito.
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I wonder what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would stare, you know, cuz he's a corpse and all.
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A guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.

“Excuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the guy, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
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