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DSJB9999's Photo DSJB9999 Posts: 6,641
7/7/19 4:54 A

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Day 85 Dealing with grief

Knowing you don’t ever have to be done with grief gives you a tremendous sense of freedom. Remind yourself those memories are part of your healing.

• Identify a time you’ve been through the loss of a person or even a pet. Describe how you felt at the time of the loss.

I did think I didn't feel I had something serious about this as my losses of grandparents and pets are quite a long time ago so I have worked them through. Yes I will never forget them or their deaths like finding my granddad passed in the garden but I have moved on with other things. Then I remembered how my hubby felt when his dad was very ill at least 4 years ago and think he was a little angry with the hospital and the illness as he had 'had enough!', and I was worried he was going into a depression.
I think caring for his mum here has helped even more with the healing, he always helped her as much as he could as he promised his dad that he would but now he knows that he will have nothing to feel guilty about with her!

• Write about the memories that will always remain in your last 20 percent of healing.
I will always care seriously about all the people that have done and I think that is the 20% that is in my heart and psyche.

Donna
Lancashire, UK

dsjb99@yahoo.co.uk

don't have a facebook account
YOUNG-AT-HEART's Photo YOUNG-AT-HEART Posts: 1,670
7/3/19 10:17 P

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Day 85 - Dealing with grief







Knowing you don’t ever have to be done with grief gives you a tremendous sense of freedom. But when it does show up, don’t fight your feelings. Instead of pushing to get past them and forget your loss, remind yourself those memories are part of your healing.

Today

• Identify a time you’ve been through the loss of a person or even a pet. Describe how you felt at the time of the loss.
• Picture the healing road and identify some of the sections you’ve gone through.
• Write about the memories that will always remain in your last 20 percent of healing.



My losses of many loved ones over the years have filled me with grief and sadness and I have learned a lot about how to live with grief. When I first started learning how to cope with grief, I learned about the stages of grief and thought there would be an end point and the grief would be over. I was looking forward to that day! But it did’t happen that way. Grief is not linear. It comes and goes and has its high points and low points. It is not the same for everybody. It is a personal experience. The grief never goes away but instead it becomes a part of your life experience and you learn to endure and find ways to live with it.

I loved this explanation of grief. When I read the words, it felt so true to me.











~~~MARILYN ~~~
Virginia - Eastern Time Zone
The worst thing to be without--hope.
The most effective sleeping pill--peace of mind.
The main reason my past diets failed--lack of motivation.
The greatest "shot in the arm"-- encouragement.


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JUNEPA's Photo JUNEPA Posts: 14,213
6/29/19 12:04 P

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Day 85 Dealing with grief

Knowing you don’t ever have to be done with grief gives you a tremendous sense of freedom. But when it does show up, don’t fight your feelings. Instead of pushing to get past them and forget your loss, remind yourself those memories are part of your healing.

Today

• Identify a time you’ve been through the loss of a person or even a pet. Describe how you felt at the time of the loss.
• Picture the healing road and identify some of the sections you’ve gone through.
• Write about the memories that will always remain in your last 20 percent of healing.


• Identify a time you’ve been through the loss of a person or even a pet. Describe how you felt at the time of the loss.

- Dealing with grief - could parallel dealing with death, although not every death brings grief and things other than death bring grief. Because I was born in Canada and all my extended family lived in Europe, I did not have a connection with older members of my family and feel connection to them and then loss and dealing with loss and grief as part of life. My biggest losses were my parents when their time came. I was close to my dad, he died at 82 after 15 years of Parkinsons illness. I felt a deep ache for a whole year. My dad used to say our pain associated with death is kind of selfish, as the departed are in a better place, so it is about our loss, not about them and where they are now. (As I write this, I think he was talking about when people older than us die, I feel he would have had a different view of loss of a child, I think that would be a crushing loss not only for parents but also for the child's unrealized potential) I suppose he said that because his first deep and heavy loss was when his mom died when he was 19 and his youngest sister was 9 and how he dealt with it, trying to distance himself from the pain and making the best of what happened. He acted as the main nurturer and guide for his youngest sister. His other two sisters ( 17 and 21 ) were totally self absorbed in their own lives. His mom died at 52 from heart failure, she had a weakened heart due to a bout of rheumatic fever as a child. His mom was a super nurturing mom, and his dad was a very responsible man but emotionally distant, most likely because his dad had lost his mom at age 6 and his dad at age 13 and he was raised by an super nurturing step mom, which is probably why he was successful in life with no major vices, but still the wounds of losing both biological parents so young must have left deep wounds. My dad also said that even though his mom died too soon, he felt her presence guiding him his whole life. My dad died when I was 31 and my mom died when I was 54. Interestingly, while I was much closer to my dad and he is my guide, I talk more about my mom. maybe because I always had a good relationship with my dad and feel more at peace, while with my mom, I didn't appreciate her until I was in my mid-30s, and often think about her with regret regarding my behaviour towards her.

• Picture the healing road and identify some of the sections you’ve gone through.

I knew (from my sister) about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - 7 stages of grief and felt my way through them when my parents died.

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

I can add to this, new to me and helpful, that I don't have to be done, I can feel and respect I will have 20% as a permanent presence, I don't need to resolve and leave grief behind.

• Write about the memories that will always remain in your last 20 percent of healing.

As my dad said, I remember my parents' love for me and their precepts continue to guide me



Edited by: JUNEPA at: 6/29/2019 (12:18)
June -- Pacific Time Zone
Where you end up is more important than how fast or where you start out.
- Improved fitness and nutrition, energy and confidence are my rewards.
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
A PH (personal high) is the main goal, a PB is the sometime icing on the cake.
Never underestimate the inevitability of gradualness.
Sopra le nebbie delle valle e le vicende della vita sorge una promessa di luce e serenita.


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FUNLOVEN's Photo FUNLOVEN Posts: 2,592
6/28/19 11:06 A

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DAY #85 DEALING WITH GRIEF - ROUND 2

I didn't bother to go back and review what I posted during the last review. I do really try to avoid rehashing this sadness. As today's example, Lynn, said it only serves to "push open my memory bank".

I would have told you that I was compete with my Healing journey. So I was surprised to read that Linda says we will always be left with that final 20% where we hold memories, love, and meaning. My memories always go back to "I wish - - - ". I wish we could have done something different, something more that would have prevented this sad outcome.

Yes, Phyllis, Babs and I surely understand the loss of a child with you. And, Trout (geez, I wish I knew your real name), I understand some of what you are saying about your mother. I was a "mistake" child and in recent months my father revealed that my mother never wanted children. That explained a lot about the strained relationship I always had with my mother. Although my mother never came right out and said "I don't love you", Gill, there was always that underlying feeling so I can imagine how crushed you felt also. Despite our difficulties and my attempts to heal and forgive, there are times when I even come face to face with the 20% of my memories of her.

It is comforting to know that the 20% opens up less often and that accepting my grief can give me a sense of freedom.

Well, this is enough of this sad subject. I want to move onto something HAPPY!

Sue

Michigan - EST

LIVE-BREATHE-ENJOY LIFE!
"Live life to its fullest and make the most of every day."


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THETROUT's Photo THETROUT Posts: 1,722
6/28/19 6:55 A

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Wow, heavy topic! Gill, your husband's comments at divorce break my heart.

One thing that makes grief harder for me is grieving not only the loss itself, but what I never had and should have had. When I lost my mother, I felt like I never had her understand me at a deep level. She just wasn't interested in being an understanding person. That made losing her even harder, and I think of this when someone close does not understand me.

Janet in Georgia

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Perfection is not the Goal; Slow and Steady wins the race


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MAWMAW101's Photo MAWMAW101 Posts: 12,429
6/28/19 5:33 A

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Day 85 Dealing with grief
I’ve not been through a lot of things, divorce, domestic violence, gun violence, etc and so can’t say for sure but the loss of a child surely is the worst thing there is.

At the beginning of this week I knew I didn’t want to “rehash” my pain but here I am, before daylight, doing it “for my own good!”
The healing road is long and winding and never really ends. Thanks to Babs and Sue it is easier to share that road to recovery.
It’s been many years since the death of our son but when those memories flood back it feels like yesterday.

Phyllis ~~
Indiana - Eastern Time

20/20 Vision- What we focus on expands. “Never give up on the dream!”


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CAROLYNINJOY1's Photo CAROLYNINJOY1 Posts: 12,173
9/14/18 2:30 P

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100 More DWL, Day 85 Dealing with grief

Knowing you don’t ever have to be done with grief gives you a tremendous sense of freedom. But when it does show up, don’t fight your feelings. Instead of pushing to get past them and forget your loss, remind yourself those memories are part of your healing.

Today

• Identify a time you’ve been through the loss of a person or even a pet. Describe how you felt at the time of the loss.
• Picture the healing road and identify some of the sections you’ve gone through.
• Write about the memories that will always remain in your last 20 percent of healing.

This validates what I have believed about grief for a long time. It never ends. Time does not heal it. It only allows me to be able to tolerate the pain and loss of missing my loved one.



Joy is a Choice. Choose joy moment by moment.

When all else fails, persistence prevails.

Injoy:) Carolyn

(Arizona - Mountain Standard Time)

My personal story as a blog:
https://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6
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FUNLOVEN's Photo FUNLOVEN Posts: 2,592
9/10/18 9:33 P

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Grief is all about the people who are left behind, not about the ones who have moved on!

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Sue

Michigan - EST

LIVE-BREATHE-ENJOY LIFE!
"Live life to its fullest and make the most of every day."


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SWEETENUFGILL's Photo SWEETENUFGILL Posts: 18,829
9/10/18 10:01 A

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Oh, Carmen - how very sad........... thanks for sharing.
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Gill

Time Zone GMT (London) - yes, I'm hours ahead of most of you! Cornwall, UK

"...regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being." Daisaku Ikeda

www.sparkpeople.com/system/howitwork
s.asp


Body Thrive - Autumn 2019 Anchor statement "I live a courageous life with energy and confidence"
ASH2HEALTH's Photo ASH2HEALTH Posts: 1,330
9/10/18 9:36 A

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I've experienced grief in the past - losing close family members, in-laws (4!), a miscarriage and a favorite pet. All pains that have faded over time.

Right now however I'm grieving for someone who hasn't passed away yet. My best friend announced last month that she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. As you may know, a diagnoses like that is a matter of "when" then go, not "if". She is a strong woman of faith so she doesn't fear this transition, so I am grieving more for myself - because I know that I will soon lose the support of this loving, compassionate woman. (My husband is equally affected because he's known her for even longer!)

I like these chapters that Linda has in the book that show us it's ok to "feel the feels" as long as recognize that food is not going to fix the problem, nor is it going to make us happier.

Carmen in Wisconsin (US Central time zone)

Current challenge: BLC42 Winter challenge (co-cappie)

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)


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SWEETENUFGILL's Photo SWEETENUFGILL Posts: 18,829
9/10/18 8:40 A

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How painful it is even to read about all these griefs................... thank you all, for being brave enough to share.

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Gill

Time Zone GMT (London) - yes, I'm hours ahead of most of you! Cornwall, UK

"...regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being." Daisaku Ikeda

www.sparkpeople.com/system/howitwork
s.asp


Body Thrive - Autumn 2019 Anchor statement "I live a courageous life with energy and confidence"
MAWMAW101's Photo MAWMAW101 Posts: 12,429
9/10/18 8:15 A

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Day #85 Dealing with grief
When my life is moving along in a happy place there is no problem sharing it all but when I am dealing with grief it isn’t easy or sometimes possible for me because there is no place to put this grief that makes any sense.

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month—a time to share resources and stories in an effort to shed light on this highly taboo and stigmatized topic.
Please don’t ever put the blame on those left behind for not stopping what is sometimes impossible to stop.

I have learned walking 20 minutes helps so today I will walk.
I will go to lunch like I planned and I will start a “Matter of Balance” class at the local hospital.
I will also go to the funeral of a dear friend from my past, I will cry, and I will move on.
I am grateful for this book, this great team, a dear friend who lets me talk and a safe place to share.

Phyllis ~~
Indiana - Eastern Time

20/20 Vision- What we focus on expands. “Never give up on the dream!”


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GLORIAZ's Photo GLORIAZ Posts: 1,326
9/10/18 7:05 A

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Yes....I have to agree with you Gill......these lessons stir up some unhappy memories and that can be a good thing if those stored up memories keep us in an unhealthy mode.

Now that I have processed my thoughts about grief, I hope it will help me mentally and physically! Thank you!

One day at a time!


Gloria.
EST Pennsylvania
2017 Spring 5% Challenge Tiger Monarchs
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CAT125's Photo CAT125 Posts: 28,418
9/10/18 7:03 A

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Day 85 Dealing with grief






Cat, in Florida
Eastern Time Zone


Pounds lost in 2020......


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FUNLOVEN's Photo FUNLOVEN Posts: 2,592
9/10/18 7:01 A

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Day #85 Dealing With Grief

The year 2002 started out with my uncle, whom I was very close to, passing away suddenly as he signed himself out A.M.A. from the hospital, but never even made it onto the elevator. He died in the hallway.

Three months later our son took his life and I cannot begin to tell you the depth of that pain I felt.

Two months later my aunt (the wife of my uncle who passed away in January), who was like a second mother to me, died unexpectedly in her sleep.

Yep. The year 2002 was the worst year of my life! And within 11 months (April 2003) my sister-in-law would die also from sudden cardiac complications. She was my DH's only living relative as his parents had both been killed in a car accident when he was 9 yrs. old.

Yes, I know all about grief and that 20%. And I'm glad for once that Linda doesn't suggest we try a nurturing activity instead of eating on those days when that 20% hits the hardest.

Sue

Michigan - EST

LIVE-BREATHE-ENJOY LIFE!
"Live life to its fullest and make the most of every day."


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SWEETENUFGILL's Photo SWEETENUFGILL Posts: 18,829
9/10/18 6:56 A

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Living for the day is how I'd like to be - it's not always easy, is it!?



I think, what these lessons DO do is make us realize how many unhappy memories we have stored up - and how they might affect us at certain times. I find myself in the age-group where funerals are a regular event.



Charlie Brown and Snoopy are my 'fluffy teddy' kind of comforting friends (coming up in tomorrow's lesson)

Edited by: SWEETENUFGILL at: 9/10/2018 (06:58)
Gill

Time Zone GMT (London) - yes, I'm hours ahead of most of you! Cornwall, UK

"...regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being." Daisaku Ikeda

www.sparkpeople.com/system/howitwork
s.asp


Body Thrive - Autumn 2019 Anchor statement "I live a courageous life with energy and confidence"
GLORIAZ's Photo GLORIAZ Posts: 1,326
9/10/18 6:10 A

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My mother buried two daughters......experiencing my grief and then watching her go through those losses was almost unbearable.

I thought writing about this would make me feel better, but for some reason I’m feeling very sad. Thinking about all my family members who aren’t here makes me wonder why so many died young.

I’m learning to appreciate everyday and appreciate those who are close to me. I want to do everything I can to be healthy and enjoy my senior years.

I hope these past lessons helped you feel better about grief........

One day at a time!


Gloria.
EST Pennsylvania
2017 Spring 5% Challenge Tiger Monarchs
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FOCUSONME57's Photo FOCUSONME57 Posts: 7,356
9/10/18 5:27 A

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As a widow this one is painful for me. I have written multiple blogs and posts about it.

There is no handbook for us, we are suddenly a new, strange identity and flail about trying to find our way. We screw up. We cry, we get angry.

Somewhere in the midst of all that we have what I call "widow brain" where we will flounder to make a decision, then change our mind multiple times. We are numb, not dumb.

Then, one day, we start focusing on the good memories, that last 20% as Linda calls it, and we begin to remember that our loved one will always be in our heart. He liked to write notes on cards when he gave me flowers, I still have those cards...





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SWEETENUFGILL's Photo SWEETENUFGILL Posts: 18,829
9/10/18 4:58 A

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Grief. I know a lot of people are widowed - I'm not. I don't have that grief. Both my parents are dead, and I had two early miscarriages - I still think of those unborn babies, but i don't think I feel a deep grief.

Apart from the grief of leaving the safety of the womb (I'm kind of joking, but some schools of psychology consider this to be our first trauma..........), I think my first really painful grief was being told I'd failed the 11-plus exam! I lost my identity as a bright, intelligent, girl. I doubted myself ever after. I now know that the 11-plus exam was rigged, flawed, and not by any stretch of the imagination any measure of my intelligence - it still has a 20% unhealed wound in my heart. I've been through many courses of learning since that time, and always dropped out before the final exams. I now work in a minimum wage job as an 'unskilled' care worker. (of course, I am not unskilled - but you don't actually need qualifications to get the job!)

Another painful grief was my husband saying that he'd never loved me when we went through divorce. "I never loved you". Again, I lost my identify as someone who had been loved and lovable. I lost my own sense of judgement - I thought I'd been in a loving relationship............ I still have at least 20% unhealed hurt in my heart, and I've never had a successful love relationship since then. I live alone now. After my divorce I put on 30lbs in weight - I'd never been overweight before, and I got depressed.

Those are two that I'm super-aware of. I guess that's quite enough!

Gill

Time Zone GMT (London) - yes, I'm hours ahead of most of you! Cornwall, UK

"...regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being." Daisaku Ikeda

www.sparkpeople.com/system/howitwork
s.asp


Body Thrive - Autumn 2019 Anchor statement "I live a courageous life with energy and confidence"
AURA18's Photo AURA18 Posts: 11,053
8/31/18 9:05 A

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Day 85


Day 85
7 Things You Can Say To Support Someone Grieving A Loss u.nu/uc7y
What To Eat When Grieving u.nu/qnh6 wikihow.com/Cope-With-Grief

Edited by: AURA18 at: 5/23/2019 (13:13)
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FOCUSONME57's Photo FOCUSONME57 Posts: 7,356
5/8/18 10:21 P

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Day 85 Dealing with grief

Knowing you don’t ever have to be done with grief gives you a tremendous sense of freedom. But when it does show up, don’t fight your feelings. Instead of pushing to get past them and forget your loss, remind yourself those memories are part of your healing.

Today

• Identify a time you’ve been through the loss of a person or even a pet. Describe how you felt at the time of the loss.
• Picture the healing road and identify some of the sections you’ve gone through.
• Write about the memories that will always remain in your last 20 percent of healing.

Link to Day 84 www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/
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Link to Day 86

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/
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Edited by: FOCUSONME57 at: 5/19/2018 (17:09)
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