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YOUNG-AT-HEART's Photo YOUNG-AT-HEART Posts: 1,667
7/7/19 1:50 P

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Day 90 - Bitterness and resentment



When you ignore feelings of hurt or push them away, they tend to become deeper, eventually growing into bitterness and resentment. The longer you hold these feelings, the harder it becomes to heal a wound..



Today

• Identify times when you’ve been hurt or let down by another person.
• Write about your feelings around this, including any bitterness or resentment.
• Resolve to let go of the hot coal in your hand and work on healing.

I wrote about this on Day 69, Hurt Feelings. After being married for 18 years, I was very hurt and let down when my husband wanted to divorce and break up our family. I lost my “happily ever after” picture of what I expected my marriage would look like in the future. I felt very bitter and resentful as he continued a financially successful lifestyle and mine was just the opposite. Our teenage children were deeply hurt when they lost their family home and had major changes in their daily lives. The affect I saw on my children hurt much worse than the financial issues. Everything suddenly changed in my life and I needed to find a way to survive and go on with my life.

I still feel a sadness about the hurt and loss of trust I experienced, but going through it all forced me to make many positive changes in my life and become a stronger and more independent person. I found my way out of the bitterness and resentment and learned to have a polite and friendly relationship with him after the divorce.




~~~MARILYN ~~~
Virginia - Eastern Time Zone
The worst thing to be without--hope.
The most effective sleeping pill--peace of mind.
The main reason my past diets failed--lack of motivation.
The greatest "shot in the arm"-- encouragement.


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ROADTOFREEDOM's Photo ROADTOFREEDOM Posts: 1,830
7/7/19 11:37 A

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Grudges ... yes, I certainly do hang onto my emotional *stuff* for far too long.

I obsess over things I said and did decades ago. Things that weren't done because I mean-spirited or vindictive. I was just awkward and unaware. Clueless. I feel bad about myself. Surely 50 years is too long to feel bad about things from teenage years?

Then there's the other side of the coin.

I have always felt like I'm not welcome ... the outsider ... and so on. It's a long story.

Lots of hurts over the years. Abuse that I've probably never completely processed. In the scheme of things, it all could have been much worse. Being betrayed / abused by former husband. Being betrayed by so-called adult women "friends" that I trusted.

Any hint of word, body language, etc. now and I do a "classic INFJ door slam". It's not healthy. Always was emotionally sensitive. I'm hyper-sensitive now, I think. The old wounds are not yet healed. And here comes the emotion. Starting to cry as I write this, which is probably not a bad thing.

Thanks for reading, if you dared.

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SWEETENUFGILL's Photo SWEETENUFGILL Posts: 18,795
7/6/19 5:00 A

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I did a little guided meditation last night which included forgiving people who'd caused me grief, and asking them to forgive me. I guess you can never wipe the slate completely clean.

One thing I'm aware of is that I'm a lot happier since I had a pay-rise! A source of great resentment was being on the minimum wage and not being able to afford to do things.

I said this to my friend the other day - it was so great to be able to go out and join in with things. Previously, if someone mentioned doing something, my first thought was always "I can't afford it"

Same if people bought new clothes or things like that - I'd be thinking "I can't afford that"

And whilst I can think that my resentment was justified......... I can also see that nurturing those feelings, and doing nothing about it, is not very helpful.

Relative deprivation is a real thing. But also, comparing ourselves to others all the time is not good for us.

I do think that I will probably be relatively poor when I retire............. but I am better-placed now to manage my resources and to manage my responses.

Gill

Time Zone GMT (London) - yes, I'm hours ahead of most of you! Cornwall, UK

"...regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being." Daisaku Ikeda

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JUNEPA's Photo JUNEPA Posts: 14,198
7/5/19 7:13 P

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Day 90 Bitterness and resentment

When you ignore feelings of hurt or push them away, they tend to become deeper, eventually growing into bitterness and resentment. The longer you hold these feelings, the harder it becomes to heal a wound..

Today

• Identify times when you’ve been hurt or let down by another person.
• Write about your feelings around this, including any bitterness or resentment.
• Resolve to let go of the hot coal in your hand and work on healing.


• Identify times when you’ve been hurt or let down by another person.

The more I do these exercises, the more I realize I am very blessed and don't have too much to complain about. I had a hard time in my life between age 15 - 30 when my dad became sick with Parkinsons and my brother took over running the farm and did a very poor job, ran down the farm, took money (her personal money) from my mom, convinced my mom that my dad had left the farm in a very bad place and needed major investment to become profitable again, and wanted my mom to bankroll all this. My mom had a considerable inheritance from her dad, but in a just world, this money was my mom's to spend as she wanted and eventually, this should have been divided between all my siblings, and my brother was wanting to absorb it all, plus, as he is a bad manager, would have gone broke anyway. I managed in this time frame to go to university and get a degree in agriculture, but there were always crisis at home and I spent my summers working on the farm. I could have had a more balanced education and life experience if I had worked for other farms, been freer to make some vacation choices, instead of continually living to stave off and fight the next crisis. On the other hand, I was able to go to university, and between what my dad taught me and what I learned, I was able to run the farm profitably and stop my brother from taking money for the farm from my mom and paid my mom back the money she had put in. But it was a hard road. I met DH when I was 25 and we married when I was 29. While I was not actively looking for this solution, in fact at age 23 after part-time since I was 12 and working full time on the farm for 2 years after university, I decided I would do this for another 5 years, and it wasn't worth my whole life and future choices. I was planning, if things didn't improve, to encourage my mom and dad to sell the farm so that everyone in the family would be better off, and it would be the fairer than the continual counter battle and risk of losing money due to my brother's management style. I met DH in year 2. DH is also a farmer, and a very good one, and his family had three young people interested in continuing their farm and only place for two, and he liked our farm, and my brother was more respectful to DH, an outsider with knowledge, than to his own family in considering and making better management decisions. So DH and I managed the farm, my brother worked with us for 10 years, then asked to be bought out, we bought him out and continued on our own. DH does most of the work and management, I had the freedom, privilege, and enjoyment of working part time and spending a lot of time raising our three children, truly one of the most wonderful periods of my life. I do believe (in fairy tales, just kidding) that my life has been so much easier and pleasant and with very few things to complain about ever since, DH is a treasure and a perfect fit for me and hopefully me for him too.



• Write about your feelings around this, including any bitterness or resentment.


I did for a while feel resentment and some measure of feeling trapped in that time period between 15-30, but I also loved working on the farm, so the work was not a problem, just the crazy and unnecessary continual crises. Now that is years ago, so it is not a hot coal in my hand any more. I do have the ongoing trust management issue with my sister for my brother, but that is mostly doing okay.

• Resolve to let go of the hot coal in your hand and work on healing.


I feel I have some awareness and take necessary action when I feel I have a hot coal in my hand. At the stage I am at, I feel there is not too much to take issue with, I am very happy with how my immediate family is and there are no threats to our well-being, at the moment, and pretty much since I was 30, we are healthy and thriving, and life is good.

Edited by: JUNEPA at: 7/6/2019 (02:51)
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Where you end up is more important than how fast or where you start out.
- Improved fitness and nutrition, energy and confidence are my rewards.
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
A PH (personal high) is the main goal, a PB is the sometime icing on the cake.
Never underestimate the inevitability of gradualness.
Sopra le nebbie delle valle e le vicende della vita sorge una promessa di luce e serenita.


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MASTERPIECE8's Photo MASTERPIECE8 Posts: 9,835
7/5/19 9:08 A

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Difficult. Painful. Bitterness and resentment towards ex-husband, bio father of my GD, as well as my DiL! Oh, yes, I have a few out there.

However, just as the lesson states the bitterness and resentment hurt me. Once I accepted that I began working on letting things go. Of course, I won't 'forget' but I can let it go. My how much better I feel. Why focus on the negative when I have so much positive in my life?

Babs
SW Illinois - CST


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FUNLOVEN's Photo FUNLOVEN Posts: 2,592
7/5/19 8:34 A

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DAY #90 BITTERNESS AND RESENTMENT - ROUND 2

For years I let my anger (a result of hurt feelings) turn into bitterness and resentment. Not any more! I learned that this kind of attitude only hurts me! As Linda reminds us - the other person doesn't feel the intense hurt or pain you want them to. Instead you sacrifice your own health for the sake of staying angry and bitter.

Sure, I still get angry, but after a bit of a simmer I remember what my faith has taught me. We are all children of God, none of us is perfect, we are all different and see situations differently. And I truly believe that no one intentionally sets out to hurt another. Some may call this view nieve, but I prefer to call it loving.

Linda tells us that to recover from bitterness, you have to be willing to process, feel, cry, and let go over and over. And that is what I have done with past hurts and continue to do with present ones. For years I was bitter about my mother because she moved her and my dad so far away from where we lived. For years I was angry and bitter at a couple that bowed out of our close group of friends (4 couples) without any explanation that we could come up with and this essentially broke our group up. Although, I will always remember these things, I have learned to let them go. Now days I get a bit resentful when I am feeling slighted by my friends; when they don't call for a chat or invitation to get together. I remind myself that it is not "all about me" and that they have their lives and priorities which are different than mine. Or our neighbor who is upset enough with us to put up a fence right on the property line which will prevent us from being able to walk on that side of our house. Yes, I am at fault. I overstepped my bounds when I trimmed a the side of the shrub that faces her house (even thought I did it with good intentions).

When my feelings get hurt and I find myself feeling bitter and resentful I try to remember this:

THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY.

Sue

Michigan - EST

LIVE-BREATHE-ENJOY LIFE!
"Live life to its fullest and make the most of every day."


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DSJB9999's Photo DSJB9999 Posts: 6,641
7/5/19 7:47 A

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Sorry to hear that MADAMEJEANNE, hope it gets sorted soon. I gave my dh answers that he found 'too long' I think yesterday as he said 'so is that Yes or No' Love 'em don't we but they can be 'challenging!' emoticon emoticon

Donna
Lancashire, UK

dsjb99@yahoo.co.uk

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MADAMEJEANNE's Photo MADAMEJEANNE SparkPoints: (80,104)
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7/5/19 6:42 A

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I was hurt by my dh’s reaction to me yesterday because of my reaction he decided to walk off and shut himself off. This keeps me frustrated because after 46 years it does not improve our marriage at all.
But because Christ hath forgiven me I have asked Him for grace to forgive my dh.
Plan: Try to talk to him about communicating better and trying to help him see where I am coming from

Matthew 11:28 Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest unto your soul.


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DSJB9999's Photo DSJB9999 Posts: 6,641
7/5/19 4:34 A

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Day 90 Bitterness and resentment 

When you ignore feelings of hurt or push them away, they tend to become deeper, eventually growing into bitterness and resentment. The longer you hold these feelings, the harder it becomes to heal a wound.. 

• Identify times when you’ve been hurt or let down by another person. 
I posted for day 89 last year that my Sis in Law let us down last year as she didn't let us know when she could look after her Mum and that made me very cross.

She does annoy me at times when she lets her Mum down too or my hubby but I know I need to let that coal go sometimes as she is Not worth it! I try to support my hubby too as it he has learned to accept that we just have to continue to look after ourselves and his Mum. Oh and she did learn from this 'issue' last year as this year she gave us times she is busy next year written down so we can arrange ourselves something at a different time. emoticon


Donna
Lancashire, UK

dsjb99@yahoo.co.uk

don't have a facebook account
MADAMEJEANNE's Photo MADAMEJEANNE SparkPoints: (80,104)
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9/15/18 11:20 P

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1. Identify times of hurt. I attended a church and worked in the Christian school there. For whatever reason I had about 7 years of people gossiping about me of things that were not true..
2. The hardest thing was my coworkers not asking me about the truth and treating me like the biggest lie was truth. For whatever reason I know the Lord allowed it in my life.
He has shown me and given me grace to forgive. ( not that my hurt or bitterness from time to time didn’t cause me to eat too much.

3. When I find myself bitter about something I pray agin! He is still working on me.

Matthew 11:28 Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest unto your soul.


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FOCUSONME57's Photo FOCUSONME57 Posts: 7,356
9/15/18 1:03 P

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As a loving and caring person, I am sometimes hurt and try very hard to not hold onto hot coals of bitterness towards the one causing the hurt.

The old me would eat away the pain, the new me, which sometimes needs to be reminded she *IS* the new me maintains and "act on it or let it go" theory. If something has hurt or upset me I can choose to pause a few and feel the pain, decide if it's worth the possible argument to discuss it with the other person, or just let it go and accept that not everyone is perfect.

This isn't always easy and I do rely on journaling to vent my frustrations, either by handwriting it in my BUJO or typing it in to OneNote.

Another thing you can do, is type it into an email addressed only to yourself. Type what you WOULD say to the other person and then instead of saying it to them, say it to you. Read it the next day and see if you still feel that way, if you do, CALL them to discuss or edit the email to get rid of some of the emotion, and send it to them.



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SWEETENUFGILL's Photo SWEETENUFGILL Posts: 18,795
9/15/18 9:18 A

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emoticon Gloria!
How awful! Bullying! If anything like that happens on this team please let me know!
emoticon

Edited by: SWEETENUFGILL at: 9/15/2018 (09:19)
Gill

Time Zone GMT (London) - yes, I'm hours ahead of most of you! Cornwall, UK

"...regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being." Daisaku Ikeda

www.sparkpeople.com/system/howitwork
s.asp


Body Thrive - Autumn 2019 Anchor statement "I live a courageous life with energy and confidence"
FUNLOVEN's Photo FUNLOVEN Posts: 2,592
9/15/18 9:17 A

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Day # 90 Bitterness And Resentment

I really liked what Linda said in today's lesson:

When you ignore feelings of hurt or push them away, they tend to become deeper, eventually growing into bitterness and resentment. The longer you hold these feelings, the harder it becomes to heal a wound. After a while, hurt builds into a chasm of resentment you can't escape from.

I can only hold things in for so long. If I'm mad at DH about something he said, did, didn't say, or didn't do, the injury seems to build over time and add to other injuries until I just can't hold it in anymore. I find myself emotional and on the verge of tears. Then I let it all out and an argument starts. That is not a healthy way to do things. So I try to watch myself closely and not let my emotions get to that point. After 45 years of marriage there has been a lot of forgiving - on both of our sides!

I have a very good friend who is like my soul sister. Even though we are similar in so many ways and always have a good time when we are together, out relationship has not been a smooth one and for a time I even thought of it as being toxic for me. Our issues all revolved around jalousies and ownership and insecurities in ourselves. I have persisted in approaching her with painful conversations over the years. The healing really came with me changing, not her. I learned to love myself, to trust myself, and to let go. I accepted that if our friendship was meant to be, than it would happen as it should and there was nothing I could do to force it. She was not mine to own. I was not alone. I always have God as my friend. I even shared all of this with her. Funny thing is that once I let go of her and accepted what she had to offer to our friendship, I felt a real sense of peace which has made of friendship better.

My examples are by no means as traumatic as the ones you all have shared that's for sure - divorce, disowned, rejected, stabbed in the back. Geez, my heart aches just to think about it!

emoticon to all of my Spangle Sisters!

Sue

Michigan - EST

LIVE-BREATHE-ENJOY LIFE!
"Live life to its fullest and make the most of every day."


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GLORIAZ's Photo GLORIAZ Posts: 1,326
9/15/18 8:23 A

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Reading these posts makes my heart hurt for you girls. Being hurt by someone close to you is devastating,.......I too have been hurt and you feel like your Life will never be the same. I have been hurt here on Spark People who sent me a private message in caps to do as they say or leave the team. I was so hurt I cried, left the team, and thank God I didn’t leave Spark People because one thing I have learned is that for every mean heartless person there is a wonderful kind person to take their place. Life is short, find those nice people.......walk away from toxic ones, they suck the life out of you. Even if you don’t feel like it........forgive them.......don’t let them take away one minute of your happiness. emoticon emoticon

One day at a time!


Gloria.
EST Pennsylvania
2017 Spring 5% Challenge Tiger Monarchs
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MAWMAW101's Photo MAWMAW101 Posts: 12,419
9/15/18 7:32 A

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Day #90 Bitterness and resentment
All through my life I have helped one of my sisters more than anyone else. During that time she became the taker and I became the giver.
When I realized she is very self-sufficient I stopped paying her way, using my car for her appointments, and made the unpardonable comment that she should be grateful for the help she receives instead of expecting more.
She no longer speaks to me and although I know I’m the one who changed a lifelong pattern between us, I’ve learned some times I just need to walk away.


Phyllis ~~
Indiana - Eastern Time

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CAT125's Photo CAT125 Posts: 28,404
9/15/18 7:01 A

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Day 90 Bitterness and resentment


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Cat, in Florida
Eastern Time Zone


Pounds lost in 2020......


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SWEETENUFGILL's Photo SWEETENUFGILL Posts: 18,795
9/15/18 2:11 A

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Linda writes: "Remember that healing comes slowly and incrementally. Like the turtle creeping toward the finish line, eventually you’ll look back and see the progress you’ve made."

What can I say? Yes, I worked through bitterness about my divorce, about being disowned by my father, about being abandoned at 5 months pregnant by my son's father, etc



Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start coming back up.

Edited by: SWEETENUFGILL at: 9/15/2018 (06:25)
Gill

Time Zone GMT (London) - yes, I'm hours ahead of most of you! Cornwall, UK

"...regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being." Daisaku Ikeda

www.sparkpeople.com/system/howitwork
s.asp


Body Thrive - Autumn 2019 Anchor statement "I live a courageous life with energy and confidence"
AURA18's Photo AURA18 Posts: 11,050
9/13/18 7:23 P

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Day 90 Bitterness and resentment u.nu/pxy4 u.nu/s1jk
Many years ago, I was hurt by a friend/co-worker, her lies interfered with my marriage and employment. Felt betrayed, I dropped everything whenever she "needed me." Meanwhile, she was stabbing me in the back. Learned to be careful what I share with other people. I enjoy my newfound privacy. picbear.online/pearlflaxcoaching

Edited by: AURA18 at: 9/15/2018 (07:47)
Maribeth MN CT Black Panthers draxe.com/ dance u.nu/ixjy planks u.nu/9w-u hands u.nu/httpsunu7lag
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FOCUSONME57's Photo FOCUSONME57 Posts: 7,356
5/8/18 10:24 P

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Day 90 Bitterness and resentment

When you ignore feelings of hurt or push them away, they tend to become deeper, eventually growing into bitterness and resentment. The longer you hold these feelings, the harder it becomes to heal a wound..

Today

• Identify times when you’ve been hurt or let down by another person.
• Write about your feelings around this, including any bitterness or resentment.
• Resolve to let go of the hot coal in your hand and work on healing.

Days 81-90 completed!

You’ve come this far in your 100 days… Don’t stop now. If you’re struggling to stick with it, push yourself to finish one more day. You’ll immediately be another day closer to achieving your weight-loss goals. Just do one more day!

Link to Day 89 www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/
team_messa
geboard_thread.asp?board=200
58x211
94x69021180


Link to Day 91

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/
team_messa
geboard_thread.asp?board=200
58x211
94x69021186


Edited by: FOCUSONME57 at: 5/19/2018 (17:17)
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