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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
7/8/19 10:59 P

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
7/8/19 8:47 P

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What is a writer who sculpts called?

A word molder.

Lou

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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
3/31/19 3:01 A

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Made me smile! ...did you come up with that?



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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/30/19 8:58 P

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A good thing about being a writer is that we can write anywhere.

A bad thing about being a writer is that we can be a starving writer anywhere.

Lou

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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
7/8/18 9:39 A

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
6/19/18 4:09 P

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Saw this on Facebook:

What is an editor's blood type?

Type-o.

Lou

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/30/18 10:30 P

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Word play from a Facebook group.

Can you add to the list? If so, copy this list, paste it to your reply, then add your addition(s) so we can keep the list intact. Don't be shy about taking credit for your contributions. It got my brain working overtime. emoticon Enjoy!

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything, we would have:

1. Bras -- Breasty Nesties
2. Bumble Bees -- Fuzzy Buzzies
3. Counterfeit $20.00 Bills -- Funny Monies (Lou)
4. Defibrillators -- Hearty Starties
5. Falling Down Outhouses -- Droopy Poopies emoticon (Lou)
6. Forks -- Stabby Grabbies
7. Hippopotamuses -- Floatie Bloaties
8. Nightmares -- Screamy Dreamies
9. Pregnancy Tests -- Maybe Babies
10. Socks -- Feetie Heaties
11. Stamps -- Lickie Stickies

Lou

Edited by: IUHRYTR at: 3/30/2018 (23:02)
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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
3/30/18 1:59 P

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Their is the perfect joke for coping editors! :-D



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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/30/18 11:57 A

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The man who invented auto correct has died.

May he restaurant in piece.

Lou

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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
3/29/18 8:24 A

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Groan-worthy. ;-)



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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/29/18 12:10 A

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I attended a party for fellow editors where I met an interesting woman. After talking for a while, I asked her to dinner. I was disappointed when she said I wasn't her typo.

Lou

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/18/18 1:08 P

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From a special section about Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) in today's newspaper:

* What do you get when you get when you cross Samuel Clemens with a locomotive?
* Mark Train.

* What do you call Tom Sawyer's laughing friend?
* Chuckleberry Finn.

* What do you get when you get when you cross Mark Twain with a skyscraper?
* A tall story.

* What did Mark Twain use to build his house?
* Writer's blocks.

Lou

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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
3/16/18 12:14 P

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Okay. I'll confess - I did actually LOL on that one...
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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/16/18 9:03 A

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Read today on Facebook about a guy who bought a thesaurus. When he got home and opened it all of the pages were blank.

He had no words to describe his anger. emoticon

Lou

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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
3/15/18 10:48 A

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This latest one is my favorite... so far. emoticon



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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/15/18 10:17 A

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."

Lou

Edited by: IUHRYTR at: 3/15/2018 (10:22)
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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
3/15/18 10:16 A

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How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Ten.

1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.

Lou

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
10/2/17 1:16 P

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Three guys are sitting at a bar...

#1: “…Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.”
#2: “What do you do for a living?”
#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: “I should clear $60,000 this year.”
#1: “What do you do?”
#2: “I’m an architect.”

The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”
#3: “Gee… hmmm… I guess about $13,000.”
#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”

Lou

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KASEYCOFF's Photo KASEYCOFF Posts: 9,826
9/25/17 3:39 P

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I'm no good with jokes - I don't really know many and I tell them (or write them, as the case may be) poorly.

But that "surprising twist at the end" actually make me laugh out loud. Good one!

My carrying it away to tell someone is akin to my carrying water in my hands. It'll be long gone before I get where I'm going... ;-)



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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
9/18/17 4:49 P

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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

Lou

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
6/18/17 3:46 P

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Writers' Heaven or Hell

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

Lou

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
4/8/17 8:02 P

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If you have read the Peanuts cartoon strip, you likely have read Snoopy's usual book opening when he types, "It was a dark and stormy night."

I laughed when in one strip sarcastic Lucy told him he needed to write something that wasn't so gloomy and he ripped the paper out of the typewriter, inserted a new piece of paper and wrote, "It was a bright and sunny day."

Little imagination but right to the point. emoticon

Lou

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
12/12/16 11:18 P

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A number of years ago I was asked to write an article for a long-time magazine client but was also a contributing writer for a competitor magazine so the first magazine's editor said I would need to use a pen name for that assignment.

He didn't have a sense of humor when I said my pen name byline should read "Bic."

Lou



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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
10/4/16 1:07 A

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Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"? She was having contractions.

Lou

Edited by: IUHRYTR at: 3/15/2018 (10:13)
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9/26/16 12:26 P

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A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."


Lou

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
9/14/16 12:26 P

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Ode to the Spell Check
*************************

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It cam with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew!

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IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
9/3/16 7:41 P

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A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is—”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

Bada bing, bada boom.

Lou

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CD16003960 Posts: 551
9/2/16 4:30 P

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LOL - what a great way to recall these, Lou. I hope your schedule is less intense. I tend to crave food when I'm sleepy or fatigued.

IUHRYTR's Photo IUHRYTR Posts: 20,630
9/2/16 1:03 A

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Remind me to never let my participle dangle uselessly. emoticon
*******
HOW TO WRITE GOOD emoticon

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the antecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

Lou

________________________________________
_____________________

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CD16003960 Posts: 551
9/2/16 12:33 A

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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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