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Top 10 Signs You Need to Lose Weight

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather laugh than cry when life sneaks up on me and cracks me right between the eyes. Case in point: my weight.

It wasn’t that long ago that I was arguably in the best shape of my adult life. But being the yo-yo dieter that I am—with emphasis on the yo-yo part—I not only lost most of my muscle tone and gained back the fat, but I packed on a few extra pounds for bad measure.

Now, I could look at the number on the scale, throw myself on my bed and sob over my self-inflicted misfortune. But that’s not my style. Instead, I’m gonna take a lighthearted look (at least something around here is light!) at the top 10 sure signs I desperately need to lose weight. See if you can relate.

#10: You find yourself sucking air after performing the acrobatic maneuver needed to get socks on your feet.

Like some contortionist from Cirque de Soleil, I have to perfectly gauge the distance I need to bend at the waist with the distance I need to lift my leg. Accuracy is everything. I can only hold this position for seconds at a time without aborting the mission and gasping for breath!

#9: To button your pants, you have to lie on the bed.

I usually flop about and groan like the demon-possessed girl in the Exorcist. Scary behavior like this means you’re fat or that you are too cheap to replace the jeans you wore in high school…20+ years ago!

#8: You steer your car with your knees since both hands are busy holding a sugary 64-ounce fountain drink.

When I'm drinking the bucket-sized sodas, I know that I'm in trouble. It means I have chosen gluttony over portion control.

#7: You have a gut.

Occasionally, the lower portion of my gut sports the unmistakable markings of my car's steering wheel. This phenomenon usually leads to...

#6: Your driver's seat is reclined so far back that you can easily touch the rear window by scratching your ear.

Yep, this is a sure sign that I'm fat and desperately trying to escape sign #7.

#5: Your pile of picked-clean chicken bones resembles the sun-bleached skeletons found in old pirate movies.

I know I've been especially thorough if Scruffy, my ever-hungry golden retriever, turns up his nose at the barren bones I've just finished working over.

#4: Shirts with a single X on the size label aren't comfy enough anymore.

Same goes for pants with waistlines of less than 40. When my larger than life clothes are tightening, I know it's time for a change.

#3: The Mansierre (or Bro) episode of Seinfeld stops being funny.

Because, like Frank Costanza, I too could use a tad more support...up there.

#2: A wrestling match with your kids clocks in shorter than the commercials aired between evening news segments.

I need the remainder of that annoying Cialis ad to catch my breath…and to slurp a little of my supersized Pepsi.

#1: I know I need to lose weight when I play Dracula and avoid mirrors at all costs.

Hey, it's easier to remain in denial if I don't have to come face-to-face with those chipmunk cheeks that sort of resemble mine...only much heavier!

Please don’t get mad at me for picking on a fat person—I am that fat person. But I won’t let this knowledge mire me in the sadness and depression that leads to inaction. So laugh a little, and smile too. With the proper motivation and support, a little exercise and some healthier food choices, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Member Comments

Reading it again doesn't make the hit any softer Report
These are funny! It's good to look at it like this rather than chastise yourself harshly. Good points! Report
Ouch! It hurts when it hits this close to home! Report
Thank you. Report
Humor helps in viewing weight loss since it's not going to happen all in 24 hours. Report
Chuckle
Great tongue in cheek approach to a delicate subject. Report
EVIE4NOW
yup, i need to lose weight lol. thanks for the grins. Report
You gave me a good laugh on a day when it was really needed. Thank you so much. Report
Has he been looking over my shoulder? Report
It's been 11 years. I hope you are doing well! Report
#7 OW! direct hit!
#1 I'm gonna laugh off 100 calories first and then catch my breath and tell all my friends! Report
Nothing is funnier than the truth! Report
My Gawd! I could have been reading my diary. If I kept a diary! Report
Ha! I loved the humor in this article!! Well done! Report
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About The Author

John McGran
John McGran
During his 25-year writing and editing career, John has written for several newspapers, magazines and websites.